Nate's Scary Myth

"are you going to be ok?" no i am going to be weird, just like yesterday

capitalism is an old man paying someone else to hold your neck down with their boots while he complains you're not being productive enough at his factory and calling you soft for needing medical care

Menu à la carte: you can order one or more dishes from a menu Menu à Descartes: you question every dish on a menu

You can have it all My empire of dirt And I’ll lend you my Tide pen for your shirt

walking through a doorway is like shaking the etch-a-sketch where I store my short-term memory

dogs like to arrange their belongings according to smell, in a process known as "funk shui"

tortellini comes from the word "torta" which means cake but it has cheese in it so it's a cheesecake

now every app has a button like "summarize this email/document/post" no thank you, I would rather walk straight into the woods with no protective gear and never return

ground beef implies the existence of air beef, water beef, and fire beef. long ago, the four beefs lived in harmony. then, everything changed when the fire beef attacked.

WIFE: *watching a documentary about foraging* This guy is brilliant at finding mushrooms ME: He has a strong morel compass Sharon HER: Get out!

Okay these chores aren't going to postpone by themselves

If conjoined twins got bitten by a werewolf they’d become a we’rewolf...and send

I could have used common sense, but I rarely stoop so low.

Chow, bella. Not goodbye, but an invitation to eat something, beautiful.

i touched grass once. it made me itchy so i went back inside and got back online.

Cut my lunch break short because somebody sat next to me

riff is short for “terrific chat, best friend”

There should be less songs about love and more songs about fjords

Wife: You're very quiet. What are you thinking? Me: If I had a pet stick insect I think I’d name him Twiggy Smalls because The Notorious T.W.I.G. doesn’t sound quite right. Her: Sometimes it's ok to say 'nothing'

4:04 sleep not found

do you denounce the sultans of swing

when the end times come i am planning to get raptored (fly away on a giant bird of prey i have been cultivating the loyalty of)

Love me like my dog loves a crunchy leaf pile

Keeping my eyes open during my massage so they know I'm paying attention

I grew up in the church and the Bible says that in the end-days Christians would be hated and I always wondered why until a few years ago now I'm like yeah makes sense these assholes are insufferable

I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named George. And, honestly, there’s no difference.

Recreational flonase

How did the people who designed airplane seats know we would one day be shaped like shrimp

Roast beef and gravy scented lip gloss

Dont talk to me until ive had my fall of the billionaire class

I’m a strong independent woman but it’s hand lotion season; so if you could turn this doorknob for me, that would be great

my time of year has come (when having 247 mugs isn't seen as excessive)

*takes a drag off my candy cigarette and tells the neighborhood kids…yeah we didn’t have water bottles and had to actually pedal a bike

Feeding my idiot venus fly trap raisins

ME: I got kicked off the jury at uncle Alan’s trial. MY MOM: It’s probably because you know him. ME: [wearing my t-rex costume] Probably.

we really don't do enough avowing anymore

Why is this student so upset about the mushroom, though? What could it have done to make her protest across the whole continent

a disney cover band called beauty and the beastie boys

Wake Me Up when Eternal September ends

her: how about a little music? me: *taking out ukulele* good idea