andy vs.

A lot of what's wrong with me would be fixed by hugging a baby giraffe

Animals probably think clothes make you smart

“i'm a top" "i'm a bottom” Yeah, that’s how a horse costume works pal

I fear I may not be loving you all from afar enough.

Therapist: Wow, you're extremely self-aware Me: I know, what meds stop that?

this skeet will not reach any commercial success, but will be available for streaming immediately

excuse me sir but do you have a permit for that shitpost

One day you’re young and wild. Next thing you know you’re using “sexy” to describe food instead of people.

I hope ‘star wars kid’ is doing well.

it's called the grapevine maybe you've heard through it

[date] her: I’m an astronomer me: oh cool, I’m a capricorn

One evening, several years ago, after nearly half a century, I was finally able to fulfill a lifelong ambition. A man walked into my store, obviously drunk, and asked me to call him a cab. I looked him squarely in the eyes and said, “You’re a cab.” Keep the faith, people. Dreams really do come true.

If you’re going to patronize me, at least slowly explain what that means.

out of all the muppets, elmo is one L away from becoming emo

Once you switch from one alcohol to another, the healthy drink count starts over.

If you’re genuinely looking for a sex type thing, maybe being more specific would help.

Halloween candy is expensive this year so I’ll just be handing out razorblades

Feeding my idiot venus fly trap raisins

Corrigible people exist. You never hear about us because 'Local Man Accepts Feedback, Adjusts Approach' doesn't trend.

You scare me. Do it again.

Log me out unsafely, daddy

If our conversation lasts longer than 5 minutes I'm flipping my phone screen towards you with an option for 15%, 20% or 25% tip.

Roast beef and gravy scented lip gloss

If these walls could talk, I would tell them to stfu

ME: I got kicked off the jury at uncle Alan’s trial. MY MOM: It’s probably because you know him. ME: [wearing my t-rex costume] Probably.

I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named George. And, honestly, there’s no difference.

One criminal thing Elizabeth Holmes did was making it impossible for blondes to wear a black turtleneck at work

The drugs were so good in the ‘90s that one day some guy said “we should start listening to swing music again” and everyone else was just like “that’s a fucking great idea which isn’t weird at all”

I grew up in the church and the Bible says that in the end-days Christians would be hated and I always wondered why until a few years ago now I'm like yeah makes sense these assholes are insufferable

I know it isn’t a contest but my coworker’s grandchild announcement really overshadowed the news that I have a new favorite flavor of celsius

Maybe she’s just using me for my unflinching loyalty and wealth of Marlboro Miles™️

asses to asses butts to butts

it's called gossip maybe you've overheard of it

screaming isnt enough i need to turn completely inside out