FᎪᎢ ᏩᎪNᎠᎪᏞF

All I’m saying is if I was going to write a book about a boy who never grew up, I wouldn’t have called him Peter Pan. I would’ve named him Constanteen.

I’m putting surgical masks on my Crocs so they don’t get any sicker yo

I tip $20 extra if the priest keeps the mass under 45 minutes.

meh, I’ve seen fuller moons

I just think it's a little suspicious that Pete Townshend has nothing to do with Whoville.

Does everyone look better at closing time or do mai tais deceive me?

[hanging out by the office paper shredder] SCISSORS: there he goes ROCK: nice SCISSORS: *high fives Rock and dies* ROCK: hell yes

I need a new hobby, maybe I’ll become one of those guys who like to get kicked in the balls.

Remember, a T-Rex costume is not just for Halloween. It's for doctor's visits, staff meetings, bowling alleys, jury duty, church

ME: I want a cool nickname like the Rock or the Boss WIFE: how about the Sloth? ME: *from the couch* no

Seth is a name that sounds like it should be short for something but it isn't which is why I don't trust them

ME: the existence of spare ribs implies the existence of strike ribs and gutter ball ribs WAITER: well we don’t have those

Nothing makes you feel older and fatter than getting out of a bathtub.

I’m gonna love you forever, she threatened

Skipping joyfully in the fall has an entirely different feeling to it, especially in the old graveyard, even a zombie can pronounce tra la la and then it's cynicism that's dead

I Put My Shirt On Inside Out When I Got Dressed Three Hours Ago and I Just Now Noticed -a memoir

Dressing up as Sarah Conner and hitting some data centers, I mean Skynet, on Halloween.

My neck, my back, they’re both aching, shit is whack

respectfully calling sonic mr. the hedgehog

dying from too many one-liners is being sentenced to death

“Classic example of why we can’t have nice things.,” he says as Jack Black karate chops the furniture.

Animals probably think clothes make you smart

HER: omg are you playing with that damn potato again ME: don’t listen to her Mashleigh she’s just jealous of what we have

My favourite thing to do with a thought is perish it.

Buying up all the circus peanuts to make an edible foam pit

Her: Do you go down on the first date? The Sun: I go down every date.

You can have it all My empire of dirt And I’ll lend you my Tide pen for your shirt

Menu à la carte: you can order one or more dishes from a menu Menu à Descartes: you question every dish on a menu

In the early 2000s, we all believed in Ja Rule of law.

ME: *through a mouthful of fries* Imagine if Grimace lost weight. They'd have to start calling him Trimace CASHIER: *into walkie talkie* Security! He's back!!

You can just call it chess and need not say rooksmaxing.

It’s the weekend baby, you can do whatever you want, and must even if you don’t really want to

I wanted to go into ballet but they don't serve drinks at the barre.

Ladies, stop wasting your time on men you think you can fix and find one you know you can break

One time when I was a kid my Dad made a point to introduce me to a 100 year old man who proceeded to give me a quarter. I remember thinking I should keep the quarter and take care of myself so I could give it to a kid when I turned 100. I was a weird kid.

I say we should let those central park horses draw whatever they want, landscapes, still-life, even carriages. this is about equine artistic expression it doesn't have to be studio level art they are just horses