🅱️oofessor Killosk 👻🔪

me: pendants annoy me him: why? me: they think they know everything him: I think you mean “pedants” me: *under breath* fucking pendant

I'm just delusional enough to remain stubbornly optimistic.

Back by unpopular demand

i have too many opposable thumbs to be this incapable

A great drinking game I invented: Take a slug every time one of your friends or family says, "Jack we're worried about you."

Never friend your current coworkers; it allows them to see how cool you are and then they want to hang out with you.

We apologize for telling people to "Come see Wicker at Clover Kiss" when we obviously meant "See Wicker come at Clover Kiss."

“First, I’d like to say how excited we both are to be here with you this morning.”

This day in history. 1975. Bruce Springsteen appeared simultaneously on the covers of Time, Newsweek, and Bolo Tie Quarterly.

I wonder if DoorDash will deliver to my bedroom. I’ll give them five stars.

Sorry for the confusion. Our "Buy us a vowel" drive isn't a game show. We literally need to buy vowels. No one is buying tickets for STRT FGHTR.

"with all due respect" no bill 𝙮𝙤𝙪 fuck off

if you’ve got nothing nice to say, say it with interpretive dance

after I post I make another little post so the first one doesn't get lonely

Disappearing under mysterious circumstances sounds nice

Pumpkin Spice Chloroform

SOMEONE'S GOING TO GET HURT IN THIS SITUATION AND ITS NOT GOING TO BE ME *its totally going to be me

What if I want to adore you instead of the moon, what then

Sneaking a bite out of all the potatoes in the produce section

meh, I’ve seen fuller moons

Thinking about going to prison so I can learn to play the harmonica.

A guy in a cloak with sharp fangs keeps knocking on the door, asking to be invited inside. I told him not without an offering of cheese.

Frankenberry is the name of the doctor

post-post-posting

butter things are just around the corner

I fear that the best years of my life are behind me, and they want revenge

Bringing all the skeletons out of the closet to decorate with flair

Oh my god that was so exhausting -me making plans 9 days in advance

"lectern, not a podium" versus "trebuchet, not a catapult" in: THE PEDANTRY WARS

Two weeks in a row of feeling normal would be a fucking dream at this point.