Jack Boot

I'm not a liar. I have an English degree. I'm an unreliable narrator.

That's similar to mine: Take a slug every time someone reads one of the 12 steps.

A great drinking game I invented: Take a slug every time one of your friends or family says, "Jack we're worried about you."

MISSED CONNECTION: You were waving at me out of a train window as it entered a tunnel. I have your arm.

Me and my twin brother, oh the pranks we pulled on our grade school teachers. Ha! They still haven't found Mrs. Grady. And they never will.

You probably don't remember me, but I was your sommelier once. I kept returning to your table with the same bottle of wine until you found it to your liking.

By almost every measure, I'd be nearly the perfect specimen were I only handsome, more understanding, wealthy, taller, stronger, honest, funny, clever, and better endowed. So close.

Word of warning if you’re thinking of buying the old gray mare…

Most arrangements are edible, including the ones made of eels.

Remember when Dick Cheney shot Dan Quayle in the face? It's been a while. Some of the details are fuzzy.

My heart is heavy. Walter Koenig, our Ensign Pavel Chekov, passed away early today. Walter and I met on the bridge of the Enterprise in the 1960s, and we stayed friends for nearly six decades. When Brad and I married in 2008, Walter stood beside us as our best man.

There are those people who wear Halloween costumes to work. Surgeon: What are you dressed as? Like, a patient going into surgery? Patient: I AM a patient going into surgery. And what are you supposed to be? Surgeon: Duhh, the Hulk! Patient: Take this thing out of my arm.

I only want to be conscious enough to appreciate being unconscious.

All standing pangolins look like Bob Cratchit asking for Christmas day off.

If you rake leaves over my grave I'll reach up and grab your ankles. But it's just my little joke; I won't drag you to hell kids, I promise.

What are we going to do about the parasites draining our life-force and destroying humanity the other 364 days of the year.

looking to hire a murder of crows to murder one particular crow

A haunted house featuring nothing but one window with closed mini blinds where the bottom blind collector thing is slightly lifted on one side & the other side rests on the sill.

Maybe we'll get lucky and their AI will turn up the heat and boil these fuckers in their infinity pools.

I never truly understood what “like the cat that ate the canary” meant until I ate my first canary.

Who's up for a nice 37-bean soup

When you tire of writing the narrative of your life there’s always shitposting

Tidepooling in Monterey CA last week. Striped shore crabs

Not sure what “deliberately obtuse” means but I don’t think I am being it.

I discovered this museum sofa isn't as squishy as I had assumed. Don't sit down too hard and fast if you prefer to keep your balls in their present shape.

To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance, press 3.

Skipping joyfully in the fall has an entirely different feeling to it, especially in the old graveyard, even a zombie can pronounce tra la la and then it's cynicism that's dead

When you realize there are only five squares of toilet paper on the roll and you must devise a plan. Every square has a VERY specific assignment. - "One and two, you boys are going in together. You're the advance strike team! Cardboard tube, stay frosty son, we may need you."

When you realize there are only five squares of toilet paper on the roll and you must devise a plan. Every square has a VERY specific assignment. - "One and two, you boys are going in together. You're the advance strike team! Cardboard tube, stay frosty son, we may need you."

please say it’s twizzlers please say it’s twizzlers please say it’s t

it's called being a hipster maybe you've probably never heard of it

I’m considering rioting, but will probably start with a melee or fracas

The second you get to the top of the escalator in a crowded place, stop. Don't move just stand, slack jawed and look around while you decide where you want to go next. Don't worry about the crushing masses on the escalator behind you trying to get past you. Those are just NPCs. This is YOUR moment.

Some of my best friends are just persistent people that wouldn’t take no for answer

The next time you try lying to your doctor about your alcohol consumption, maybe don’t have wine stains on your sneaker.

It's been a long time since I've crotched any weed.

She orders a big salad then eats almost half of my dinner and takes the salad home in a box.

I wish I would be invited to a Murder Mystery Dinner Party so I could murder someone and shake things up.

I dreamed of the funniest post ever and woke up and wrote it down on the pad of paper I keep by my bed in this other dream I have.

Spell check is so inadequate. It's like Ai doesn't even know me.

flying cars ? what’s next sitting ducks ahahaha gtfo

My kid at the Chicago Athletic Association. Ain't she cute?

Since getting into miniature golf I've become one of those guys who never shuts up about windmills.

Can’t, I’m trying to use my nose to float on an aroma ribbon wafting from a freshly baked pie cooling on a window sill in a 1940s cartoon.