Dennis is a bastard man

[smiling as I add carrots, celery, and onions to my soup] ah, the holy trinity [a cloud crosses my face when I drop a bay leaf into the pot] …and the sin eater

We’ve basically cured cancer, the only thing left to do is detect it earlier and figure out how to get the drugs to the right spot and get them to stay there. The pope just got lung cancer and is cured and back to his popemobile like a week later!

Wastewater treatment fact: If you flush a dollar bill down the toilet, we'll find it, bleach it and use it to buy Doritos from the vending machine

Every single republican is a pedophile, part 8 million

Ok, let’s start with taxing things that have no productive value to society, like political think tanks founded by the Koch brothers that dodge paying any taxes under 501(c)(3) protection

Runner up

what the fuck is happening fgjkfsdhg

Yeah that’s what it’s gonna have to be. Probably not going anywhere with the current people in charge but at least we can make em vote on it so we can find out who our enemies are

Ms Rachel from the top ropes

Looking into the constellation Lacerta for 5 hrs and you end up with quite the star field. I just find this amazing. This is through the local Milky Way disk and into the outer arm regions, Wow! There are are over 200,000 stars in this one image. Exp: 5 hrs, 10/05/26 #astronomy #astrophotography

Very funny

I felt dumb watching Iowa-UW at 10 PM until the Iowa QB tried to get the defense to false start by yelling FUCKING JUMP and now I’ve left the wheel of samsara so I’ll see you guys later

Divide and concur — this radical plan from 1920, for "lasting peace" after WW1, proposed uniting central Europe into 24 wedge-shaped cantons which would radiate out from Vienna’s St. Stephen’s Cathedral: https://publicdomainreview.org/collection/unionization-of-central-europe/

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Avalanche game announcer just said Jared brudner has won 63% of his games, which he then characterized as “3 out of 4”. The hockey mind is beautiful

LMFAO the official America.gov AI website uses a Chinese open source model

When one kid is out of the house so the other one turns into a zen master because there’s no one around to drop kick

I hate when Florida might be good again

no!

[Solemnly] he’ll yeah

Can I say something without everyone getting mad at me

Sometimes a drug trip is a profound experience where you realize that you’ve been carrying pain in your heart for years, that you can forgive yourself. Other times you come up with a concept called “gay money” (money that’s gay) and you text your friend “gay money” days later. Both are healing. ❤️‍🩹

This is Bob. They are a hermaphroditic comb jelly that recently underwent reverse development from adult lobate to larval cydippid, following a period of stress. The event reduced our colony to just Bob. Once our food source stabilized, Bob began to flourish & what was 1 Bob is now 500+ Bobettes! 🦑

Nice world you’ve got here. Be a shame if it was completely ruined by evil ghouls beyond your control

Maybe the broncos should just take the rest of the year off

mmygod

memento but he's trying to figure out the mystery of the kids daycare activity carpet with the roads all over it

GEFILTE PHISHING

Not joking I can’t stop telling people this, probably at least once a week. “Google blastopores” and so on

PAUL: What’s in the box? REVEREND MOTHER: Pain. [PAUL hesitantly puts his hand in the BOX, then FROWNS IN CONFUSION. He pulls out A BAGUETTE.] REVEREND MOHER: Hōn hōn,

As usual @theonion.com is ON IT

The best film about 9/11 is only indirectly about 9/11. It is also IMO Spike Lee’s best film, period. en.wikipedia.org/wiki/25th_Hour

We’ve run out of missiles and they haven’t so we are in the middle of actively losing a war right now and it’s barely in the news

When they christen a ship are they smacking the bottle into the ship’s face or it’s lil ass

LRT the president is senile and crippled and the press has absolutely nothing to say about it and it’s driving me fucking insane. You guys killed the last president for stuttering and have nothing to say about this one being a blood clot off from hell