Dak

Ordering dinner via QR code feels less like going out for hospitality and more like submitting an IT helpdesk ticket for a bowl of pasta.

Kyoto nights.

My love language isn't physical touch or words of affirmation. It's walking into the living room unannounced and dropping a bag of chips on your lap while refusing to make direct eye contact.

Being an adult is mostly just walking around your house looking at things that need to be cleaned, repaired, or replaced, and then deciding to sit on the couch and stare at a smaller screen.

musical chairs is a children's game about layoffs

“Oh baby, you’re making me ______” hard | cum | regret this - predictive sext

Roast beef and gravy scented lip gloss

My current daily self-care routine: 1. Drink 8 glasses of water 2. Take a 15-minute walk outside 3. Gently reorganize my closet 4. Fake my own death and start a new life as a goat farmer in rural Maine

Since kind people have reached out and asked if I’m ok, I am. Like we all feel, life gets to us and we need a break. So I’m taking one. Enjoying offline and in the real world absorbing new experiences and travels. A pic or two from today.

Thought becoming a librarian meant I’d get to dramatically shush people, but everyone just sits here in complete silence on noise-canceling headphones while I struggle to quietly unwrap my lunch.

Travel update: Flight Sydney : Tokyo was great. Hotel is well a hotel but it’s good sized room. Headed into Shinjuku if you’re around say hi.

I can tell if someone is judgemental just by looking at them

i love that most DMX songs start with him loudly airing grievances

How did the people who designed airplane seats know we would one day be shaped like shrimp

rip stands for "really inportant penis"

If I were the White House press secretary I would just call in sick every day for 3 months so they couldn't fire me.

Normalize getting out of small talk by fake dry heaving

HOA called to tell me I have 30 days to limit the amount of graphic tees I wear

I bought a small coffee today just so I could hold something warm for twenty seconds while I decided whether to cross the street or go home and lie down on the kitchen floor.

I’ve been too busy to write jokes so if you could like this post it would be a great way of contributing to the delinquency of a shitposter which is like double points for getting into heaven

halloween is just goth easter

I bet this email finds you silently screaming on the inside.

ZOOKEEPER: So lions are what we call apex predators ME: *way too loud* And humans are ex ape predators lol ZOOKEEPER: *taking out her tazer* look away kids

it's called drivng to a cemetery maybe you've hearse of it

I’m staying in my pajamas today because dress for the job you want and I want to be a couch potato.

they made a robot that can actually dance like a human I don't know how it twerks

In a complicated relationship with taking it easy

There’s no moment more powerful than walking into the kitchen at 2am, eating shredded cheese by hand, and disappearing again like a haunted raccoon.

I earned the cork on my fork

Might go wild and start listing chatGPT as my primary care doctor.

when you die all the jokes you forgot before you could post them flash before your eyes

opening your heart to someone? ew gross

I put a piece of tape over my laptop webcam so the FBI can't see me eat shredded cheese at 4 AM. But I know they can still hear the bag crinkling.

Professor X: So what’s your power Me: I can make things bigger Professor XL: Whoa!!