Tru-ghost Spook-otle

"Being a grown up sucks,' said Ramona just before taking a large swig of Malört straight from the bottle. — an excerpt from 𝘙𝘢𝘮𝘰𝘯𝘢 𝘘𝘶𝘪𝘮𝘣𝘺, 𝘈𝘨𝘦 45

You're in her DMs. I'm in her spam folder offering her a free Oral-B dental kit if she clicks a link that almost looks like it's from her health insurance company.

How bad can life be if I can dream about Sheryl Crow’s cameltoe?

More love songs about anti-psychotics, please.

Sing me a lullabye, but with lots and lots of daggers.

'Fun in the sun' is probably the greatest rhyme in history. Surprised Shakespeare didn't think of it.

A shot for shot remake of every James Bond film except the lead character is named Oregano Burps

"You there, boy. What day is it today?" "Why it's a doner kebab, sir." "That's not what I asked, but fuck it. Merry Doner Kebab. Merry Doner Kebab to all"

EMPEROR PALPATINE VOICE: Now witness the firepower of this fully armed and operational 2004 Honda CRV

Studies suggest that the mysteries of the origin of life can be found in the dirt that's settled under my fingernails, but I have just contaminated that shit by digging it out with my teeth, sorry.

This is always the stage in the hair growing out process where I really just want to shave it all off.

hey! mr tambourine man, shove this ice pick into my temple

"Oh sure, why not," as I like and repost your weird ass post.

I’m allergic to most metals so I wear spaghettios on my fingers instead of rings

I'd be more into it if it were a wall climbing, rocket powered Costco rotisserie chicken instead.

How did the people who designed airplane seats know we would one day be shaped like shrimp

Perhaps you will suffocate the sadness if you fill your holes with posts, or maybe this will just crowd out whatever joy is left too.

It's a Go Away party, a party where we tell you to go away.

Hoping the 4 different Beatles movies show different perspectives of no one wanting to tell Paul there are only 7 days in a week.

Peggy Sue Got Married for Tax Purposes

Editor says my writings are too short, so I'm going to start adding hard of hearing characters that constantly ask the other characters to repeat themselves.

Selma Blair once bit my sister… No realli! She was Karving her initials øn Selma Blair with the sharpened end of an interspace tøøthbrush given her by Svenge - her brother-in-law - an Oslo dentist and star of many Norwegian møvies... Mynd you, Selma Blair bites Kan be pretti nasti!

i’ll beat your ass half way to Texas with my Barbie skateboard so please reconsider fucking with me

A Fistful of Dollars for Tax Purposes

sorry I’m late I got stuck in my larval state

Ask your neighbour for gardening tips, not AI. It's a nice way to learn from another, build community and they probably won't even just tell you to kill yourself when all you wanted to know is how often to water your ficus.

Almost my turn at the town hall to pitch my environmentally sustainable armadillo-pulled sled citywide micromobility proposal

I was one of the runaways found as a result of the Runaway Train music video and other random lies I tell

qp but change the lower back tattoo ✨ s’pןɐuoꓷɔW ✨ ✨ ✨ ✨ ✨ ✨ ✨ ✨ ✨ ✨ ✨ ✨ ✨✨✨ ✨✨✨