melody! 🏳️‍⚧️

Keep picturing Patel dropping the casings in terror after reading “if you read this youre gay”

Trump: I’m anti-war MAGA: yay he’s the president of peace! Trump: we’re going to rename the Department of Defense the Department of War MAGA: yay Department of War! Trump: I’m going to make things cost more so I can pay for tax breaks for my rich friends MAGA: yay tariffs!

Oh

high speed rail from my house to arby’s

the cia would have loved trying to trick fidel castro into becoming friends with Sam Altman's Robot That Makes You Kill Yourself

Yeah, my discord has a vent channel. Every day one member is randomly assigned to be Gordon and the rest of us @ them with pictures of headcrabs in there. If they don't respond with :crowbar: within 20 seconds we ban them.

Are vaccines safe? Let's ask this guy who sounds like a dying refrigerator compressor

Robot meets bollard. Nothing beats the #WorldBollardAssociation

ME: hey so what's this process consuming all my CPU WINDOWS: oh that's our Microsoft Search Indexer, it's building a search index of your files ME: neat, so if I do a search on my files, will I get prompt, useful resul— WINDOWS: [punches me in the face]

it’s hard to live in America while having a functioning memory because everyone around you is constantly pissed off about some scary new thing that’s not actually new and that they didn’t find scary until someone on TV told them it was scary 20 minutes ago

everybody transgender now!!!

Actually kind of cool that they got the Wealthy Capitalist Ogre from all those 1930s editorial cartoons to run the IRS

Being right wing is so hard bc you’re not allowed to acknowledge any actual phenomena that shape the world, so when you try to describe something you just end up sounding like if a person speaking in tongues worshipped the internet instead of god

Donald Trump was allegedly ‘seething’ after he saw the new ‘SOUTH PARK’ episode. (Source: Deadline)

Young refuseniks burn their IOF draft papers in the middle of Tel Aviv They refuse to serve in the Israeli Occupation Forces, and are willing to go to military jail for their position. The new generation of refuseniks is supported by the older, many of them spent months in jail already

CEO of Oreo Cookies: the oreo cookie is as important as oxygen

imagine a universe without the strong nuclear force. or electromagnetism can't? well that's the sort of universe where there's no grok to answer when you ask life's most important questions like "why are horses" or "how do I deport all black people and send them to rubber jail"

welcom back bonzi buddy

guard who caught me sneaking into the time machine lab: going back to kill baby hitler, right? think you’re some kind of big hero, huh? me, on my way to suck off the first guy to fry a potato: haha uhhh yeah, you got me

Being a “conservative intellectual” must rule so much. There’s this giant mass of babies that are scared of cities, mad at cartoons, and intimidated by women, and your job is to convince them having those feelings makes them brave warriors for western civilization

Oops 😬

why don’t presidents fight the war? why do they always send the poor?

HAPPENING NOW: The National Guard drives back peaceful protesters in Los Angeles, California as wannabe fascist dictator Donald Trump attempts to escalate the tensions in the area (Video: IRT Media)

She persists. 24 years old.

Ow theonion.com/ow/

lol why would they admit what time the change was made. who the fuck else is up at 3 am crying about white genocide in south africa

Kristi Noem has been working with the producer of “Duck Dynasty” to pitch a reality TV show—titled “The American”—where immigrants will compete in a string of challenges across the country “for the honor of fast-tracking their way to U.S. citizenship,” according to a new report.

well well well look who it is, the lazy ass ferns that just laid browned and flaccid on the ground all winter wanna get all high and mighty now that its a little warmer outside. i wont forget your true nature now that youre standing erect you little shits

holy shit haliburton 😭😭

ending my career as a nuclear policy analyst by getting pulled into a no-agenda zoom titled only “Review” and coming to face to face with a poofy-haired teenager who put my emails into a racist chatbot to find out how woke I am on a scale from “Based” to “R-Slur” and immediately defecting to China

I hope the rockets do absolutely nothing this summer, and then acquire a poorly-fitting older star name the next season, and then fire and trade everyone the next summer. That’s what smart teams do when their young squad loses to the Warriors in 7.

due to tariffs i will be spending 15% more time face down on the floor

my hope is that AI can empower the Dumbest, Least talented slobs i know to replace everything i ever loved with One Million Years of Content

“this all reeks of Gender equity!” I holler as i kick over the constitution and turn the global economy into the Market of Shit

lord willing we will one day prosecute miller for crimes against humanity

*cough laughs*

if we want to rebuild american institutions and earn back the world’s trust after this we cannot settle for half-measures. lots of people need to go prison. lots more need to be permanently stripped of wealth and power.