The Onion

The Onion

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The Onion
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“Applicants often worry they’ll come across as overly assertive or annoying if they reach out to threaten a hiring manager more than once, but most employers we’ve spoken to appreciate a reminder that a candidate has a video of them in a compromising position.” — William Blumington, staffing coach

theonion.comCareer Experts Advise Job Applicants To Send Interviewer Follow-Up BlackmailNEW YORK—Stressing the importance of circling back to how much a prospective employer has to lose if they don’t follow instructions, a group of career experts issued a recommendation Monday advising j...
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“Unfortunately, finding a stray tabby under a car and gently tying your ballot to its tail with a ribbon almost certainly ensures your vote will miss the deadline for counting.” — Jocelyn Benson, Michigan Secretary of State

theonion.comElection Officials Warn That Ballots Tied To Stray Cat Unlikely To Arrive In TimeLANSING, MI—Urging the public to use the most reliable methods available to submit their vote, election officials across the country warned Monday that a ballot tied to stray cat would likely not arri...
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“Well, I guess that’s decades of attempting to maintain a positive view of myself up in smoke now that I’ve accidentally caught sight of my disgusting, sweaty frame on the screen there.” — Alena Reese, area woman

theonion.comYears Of Learning To Love Self Undone By Single Glimpse Of Body In Self-Checkout CameraSAN DIEGO—The brief moment proving to be all that was necessary to completely eviscerate her self image, area woman Alena Reese reportedly had years of learning to love herself undone Monday by a sing...
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“To the faithful gathered here, thank you for your support, and know that I now feel better than ever before—so good, in fact, that I will shortly be back in shape and able to take on the Lord God Himself.” — Pope Leo XIV

theonion.comIncreasingly Healthy Pope Asserts He Will Soon Be Strong Enough To Battle GodVATICAN CITY—In the latest sign that his health continues to improve, Pope Leo XIV declared Friday in an address to Catholics around the world that he would soon be strong enough to battle God. “To th...
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“With so much confusion over the large-scale world-building we’re doing, we wanted to clear things up and officially state that Clayface is its own separate property that is in no way related to my DCU, but is also directly tied to every other DC project that I am producing.” — James Gunn

theonion.comDC Clarifies ‘Clayface’ Not Connected To Matt Reeves’ ‘Batman’ Unless It Actually IsBURBANK, CA—Attempting to outline plans for their cinematic universe to fans, producers at DC Studios clarified in a press statement Friday that the new film Clayface was not connected to Matt Reeves’...
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“Fans at the game on Mar. 11 will not only get to see their hometown Pelicans, but they’ll also get a chance to immerse themselves in the game of basketball through an array of special programming designed to capture the excitement of NBA competition.” — Sam Shannon, Pelicans spokesperson

theonion.comPelicans Announce Upcoming ‘Basketball Night’NEW ORLEANS—In an effort to boost attendance and reach new fans, the New Orleans Pelicans announced Tuesday an upcoming “Basketball Night” promotion honoring the popular sport. “Fans at the game on Ma...