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How many rocks and how many quarts of glue per serving?

So, one in five lobsters won't be lobsters but instead gobs of glue, your boss will insist you eat there even though everyone is getting sick, a slew of extremely divorced men will insist the lobster loves them, and Red Lobster will be worth a trillion dollars despite never having made payroll

isnt it weird how the companies that lean into AI the hardest are always like pogs incorporated or burlington coat factory or blockbuster home video

Cool.. I've shifted from uninterested in Red Lobster, to directly opposed to. Interesting strategy.

I recently went to outback where they have an app and like 2 servers. It was fucking hell. Enjoy your the dumpster with Hooters, Friday’s, etc.

Was anyone really clamoring for an AI Seafood restaurant?

The all you can eat.

Number 2 remember?

say it aint so @tolkoto.com

Money really does liquify people's brains at a certain point.

Is the Math Whiz paying subsidized rates or by the token for all this AI?

first, they took the awesome nautical decorations…

He's praying for AI investing because the customers don't care or like AI. 😒 sounds like a toilet flush to me

So the breading in the shape of fish will now be don’t by robots?

@corgicam.tv no more Shrimpfest :,3

Thing is, AI, like the blockchain, has potentially revolutionary uses, but in carefully considered, well targeted ways. Blarting them over everything and using them for short term grift and PR is an absolute recipe for disaster

Probably float for 2tn ?

Replace people's jobs with automation? How novel. The thing is, with most all other automation, you can tell when they are broken and doing things wrong. Can't wait to see what happens when he gets Claude to do his books. Now they can get away with fraud by blaming the AI!

Endless Shrimp II

First they ruined red lobster by being bought up by an equity firm...

He just means that prices will be different on every digital menu.

This won’t work unless they put it in the blockchain first.

Red Slopster

Where even is there computer in a restaurant? Are they going to mess with the supplies? Hallucinate the cash register? Rearrange payroll? Write a recipe with glue? This stinks of AI for AIs sake

Time to nuke Cheddar Bay

AI You Can Eat Buffet

Aiming for a second bankruptcy.

I give you money and you give me cheddar biscuits. We do not need to bring Claude and Grok into this.

Bankrupting harder than anyone has ever seen.

Can you eat a chatbot?

Rocks in those cheddar bay biscuits!

CEO said a thing!

This seems very dumb but that dude’s bio/resume is insane.

I’m out

Wait this is not the Onion

There's another reason to not eat at Red Lobster.

corpses for everyone

The company stock increased 268% after the announcement. Jim Cramer added: if they can send shrimps in space, they could reach a trillion valuation.

Wait maybe he’s cooking, hear me out. Crab People.

I’m going to bet the AI messes up and orders large quantities of Sea-Monkeys, as brine shrimp are even cheaper than the ones they currently order.

If there's one thing a sub par seafood chain with OK biscuits needs, it's AI

Can’t wait till a pissed off and underpaid staff manager convinces Claud to buy and send a million pounds of shrimp to every Red Lobster location.

"How would this work? YOU figure it out. but you gotta use it." Many such stories

As a former restaurant guy I shudder to think what kind of employee schedule AI will write and what it will order This will save maybe five hours of manager labor a week per store Good luck with that

Used to be a dozen Red Lobsters in the Los Angeles area. Now there is only 1 left...

👋 bye ✌️

This is “K-Tel going dotcom in 1997, but not explaining WHY it’s going dotcom” energy.

Seems a bit weird, but I'm willing to find out what a data center tastes like with enough butter and lemon.

Best case scenario: plate of multiple lobsters served like shrimp scampi priced at $0.89. Worst case: horrific death.

I'd be more inclined to give this guy the benefit of the doubt if he didn't look so much like a young Gus Fring

If I were on the board of directors of this company, I would throw him out of a window.

what a fool, he's trying to catch the falling ai knife? the OG red lobster business freaks knew what was up, they snorted enough cocaine so one of their synapses fired and said "fill em up on cheap stuff: bread and noodles, so they feel like they got a lot for their money"

Trained on Reddit, the AI determined "shrimps is bugs", and bulk purchased live Madigascar hissing cockroaches to maximize profits on the all-you-can-eat Shrimpfeast.

Haha. Red Lobster is barely seafood.

Good reason not to go there

www.theatlantic.com/magazine/202...

Do they know we can just log off and go do things in the real world lol

"We're gonna kill this chain once and for all."

Private Equity is just a giant Ponzi scheme now, huh. I mean, this is the restaurant that just went Bankrupt, and now it's going to become a Bankrupt AI restaurant, whenever the Fire Sale needs to happen, and rewash as a cryo head revival restaurant...

The only way it would work would be if they hired Ai Weiwei to redo their branding and layout

Hey, kids! Who wants to go out for VECTOR PATHS THROUGH THE TOKEN SPACE OF A LANGUAGE MODEL!!

I thought this was going to be an onion article.

I really didn't expect this much, and I'm pretty sardonic

So they bring this guy in to save the restaurant, he essentially does, and now he kills it again just for fun? Business! RIP cheddar bay. I knew ye well.

Death knell

"We're sittin' here talkin' 'bout scampi. Not a ribeye. Not a ribeye. Scampi."

Funny

Certain locations. Prices may vary.

bsky.app/profile/semm...

"ChatGPT, is bleach a safe ingredient in lobster dishes?"

If my options are go to the AI restaurant or starve my ass is staying home.

AI can help us with forecasting inventory levels, which we currently do at HQ by hand??

“When you sit down in my restaurant, I want you to think, ’No human being was ever involved in procuring or preparing this meal.’ I want you to think, ‘My organic taste buds are an evolutionary failure and must be purged.’”

Dam RIP I guess

This AI lobster tastes exactly the same as the imitation crab meat I bought the other day... 🤦‍♂️ As I like to say "just because you can, doesn't mean you should"

WTF does that mean, can you please just make good food ?!

With Japanese Maine Lobster.

oops it's a basket of cockroaches

Unlimited shrimp backfired, now we'll try focusing on a tech that consistently costs more to use than it generates. This is a great idea.

Do hallucinations enhance the flavor?

😂

I am going to start saying "do you want AI with that?" in the most dejected, miserable server voice possible.

Its odd that Red Lobster has been in it's worst decline in the last 2 years so what the hell has he been doing?

They should put AI in the lobster, crabs, rolls and butter so I can enjoy the fresh taste of McDonald's dog shit centimeter thin patties.

OK... where's 'The Onion' logo on this clearly satirical story?

I'm going to miss their cheddar biscuits

This might be the thing that finally makes my mom stop forcing us to go there for her birthday every year......she has very strong feelings about AI that I never would have expected coming from her

Egads, now its fkn Grok Lobster?

Who doesn’t love AI food

Actual laugh out loud

That's too bad.

Hallucinate the lobster.

This not the onion?

Unlimited AI shrimp! A guaranteed winner.

I dont think you could invent a more ridiculous example of a company shoving AI into an industry that in no way shape or form could benefit from it at all, even if the tech wasnt garbage. Probably just trying to lure investors in.

…Red Lobster still exists??

O yeah thats a great idea. Make people unsure if the seafood they see in an advertisement. Questionable seafood has never been a recipe for disaster before....

30 shrimp? Great choice!

I don't need AI to tell me I've met my limit of cheddar biscuits, that shan't be tolerated.

WHEN WILL WE MAKE CEOS FACE REPERCUSSIONS ALREADY?! FOR FUCKS SAKE.

"We tried cramming bullshit little computers into everything, and it generally sucks and made very little any better, so we need to wedge in bullshit software of, at-best, dubious provenance in terms of data, and which everyone who's paying attention hates and wants nothing to do with, everywhere.

In related news, some guy named Bob just had 17 million lobster claws delivered to his office that he very much did not order

what, are they going to AI generate the cheddar bay biscuits? the fuck does that even mean

the sky will be the limit on AI profitability synergies

An AI forward restaurant. WTF???

How does The Onion even compete with this kind of stuff?

Grand opening Grand closing

oh no. my cheddar bay biscuits. oh no.

This outta finish them off.

look of seriousness right there

LOL cant wait to see how that goes with their customer base. fucking morons.

New Business Plan: Copyrighting Biz Buzzwords AI is the new "cutting payroll" tho they seem to mean the same thing

i don’t like AI but for some reason i like this, i like picturing it with my mind

Does anyone know what he even means by this? What's it going to do for a restaurant or logistics?