Post

Jess Morrissette

BREAKING: The monkey has been banned from campus. Its owner is apparently considering quitting their job to pursue a career breeding monkeys full time. I cannot stress strongly enough that this is NOT a joke.

Jess Morrissette@decafjedi.com

Someone at my office has started bringing a monkey with them to work every day, and it's shitting everywhere. The university is powerless to act because we don't have a "no monkeys" policy on the books.

11/9/26, 8:33 pm84 reposts474 likes

@umberhulk.bsky.social

It took me a second to register the concept of "breeding monkeys". Are they gonna start having monkey shows? What's going on?

SwagKirby from Twitch and YouTube

@swagkirby.bsky.social

Was your co worker Eliza Thornberry

churgerable opportunibees

@midgetnazgul.bsky.social

it ....it took a year and a half to do that?

@h264-encoded.bsky.social

@redsonja.bsky.social

In all fairness to the monkey, I would take it over your run-of-the-mill college administrator any day.

wrangler of level 1 goblins

@machminotaur.bsky.social

took them about this long to realize the monkey wasn't on the payroll after someone tried to promote it

@redsonja.bsky.social

Simian shades of one of my favorite comedic characters: Milton Waddams.

@durinde.bsky.social

Did someone not hear the ancient song about having multiple monkeys jumping on beds?

@nottristsn.bsky.social

Greatly anticipating the 2028 monkey update.

@j.holmes.codes

This is a wild update

@tyschalter.com

great googily moogily

@mpborts.bsky.social

Have you contacted Eric Goode yet?

@cwheezy22.bsky.social

This monkey really couldn't have been banned earlier for a different reason? Like health code violation because of the shitting. I'm glad you are finally free though

@bardicknowledge.bsky.social

I confess I am seeing this saga in reverse order. Do these post dates imply you have been dealing with this monkey for 18 months?!

Jess Morrissette

Closer to two years, but yes.

@bardicknowledge.bsky.social

It is gonna be a long time before I complain to my chair about anything again - uffda.

Storm Surge Gainsbourg

@wesflinn.bsky.social

A shame, because the monkey had already published two articles and had a third in the pipeline.

@darmato.bsky.social

In all seriousness, I thought it was convention that when one brings a monkey into public spaces, the monkey wears diapers?

@darmato.bsky.social

(I have no experience with this, but apparently my wife does.)

@darmato.bsky.social

Or has the MBM broken containment?

@trialbydiarrhea.bsky.social

I worked in a marijuana factory and on the weekend a coworker snuck two pet squirrels in. Every weekend for months

your pal caitlin

@sacaitlin.bsky.social

that sounds like the kind of person I want to make friends with

eminemerald fennell

@fireh9lly.bsky.social

Ok I need to know what happened because it was my understanding the monkey was unremovable due to institutional corruption and cronyism

@mechtexas.bsky.social

Jess…I need to know. Did that person bring a monkey to your university for a YEAR AND A HALF?

Jess Morrissette

Maybe a little closer to two years.

@mechtexas.bsky.social

WHAT THE WHAT