Nick Eyeball-Bones

perfect, no notes

Trump: JD, I need you to do some damage control -- Vance: No problem. You said some things that could be misconstrued and -- Trump: The problem is I didn't talk about man-ass enough.

STING: I wrote a tale about a summoner. Took a long time. Not a lot to say about summoners but I really worked all the angles. RECORD EXEC: Awesome. How about nine more of those bad boys STING: …are you taking the piss

Brazil’s results tonight are a big endorsement for the idea that every country should have a second “are you you sure about that” election a couple weeks after the first one for the important stuff

Using the death cult robot to keep your daughter from getting fired from grade school, the future is now

My neighbor’s Halloween yard inflatables are a dinosaur, a dragon, and a shark. Sir you are 0-for-3 on understanding the Halloween canon.

Columnist: And this is why Obama’s remark about the Cheesecake Factory makes him ridiculously elitist and out of touch. (submits column) (checks phone) Ah, my gold-flecked caviar blowjob has arrived

Nathan Fielder: Do you understand the joke Elizabeth Holmes: The farmer had more daughters than you would expect

Nathan Fielder: Do you understand why the joke was funny Elizabeth Holmes: Steamed hams is a funny thing to call a hamburger

NATHAN FIELDER: So now that you’ve seen it, can you tell me what was funny about that bit? ELIZABETH HOLMES: *smiling like the Smile Demon from the Smile horror movie series* The guy took a really long time to describe what his family’s act was

If we’re just saying now that the President and anyone who works for them is above the law, I guess let’s see what happens when we have a Dem POTUS who wins on a “revenge” platform

It even fails the “in bed” test, please stop ruining our world

One day I looked up the worst boss I ever had on Facebook hoping that their life was absolute shit and the cover photo was them with Obama so thanks for reopening that wound. (One)

Cheese! They just keep coming up with more kinds and they keep being amazing. When I was a kid it was Swiss or American, Cheddar if you were supremely lucky.

(Shania voice) let’s go, squirrels

"big guys, great asses, tears in their eyes "sir...sir" they pleaded "please take this cognitive test again sir" and what am i going to do refuse have u seen their asses"

I’m pretty sure the reason Trump will never support Vance for POTUS is because Vance’s mother sold him for drugs and not only does Trump not respect Vance as a result, but he also thinks it’s hilarious

Today I saw his name mentioned as a contender. Hmm.

Darth Thiccius

The bit starting at 4:04 was goofy at the time. Ha, the ridiculousness of Borat comparing the guy to Stalin! In 2026 this is just how Republicans actually campaign.

In my most curmudgeonly moments, I don’t see why presenting the prose output of a machine built on mass theft as your own scholarly work should be evaluated less harshly than old school plagiarism. Traditional plagiarists at least had to identify and evaluate the works they were going to copy.

Any time Alexa starts saying “by the way”

Heck no, you keep it going full steam ahead because it’s unsinkable! As we learned in the amazing one hour and thirty nine minute movie TITANIC

With the election looming, the GOP is calling in the big guns. Which means having a megachurch freak named Timmy dispatch an army of walleyed 23yo home-school casualties with YouTube diction to opposing candidates' rallies, where they will demand those candidates reject and denounce the WNBA.

New iPhone presentations should focus exclusively on the camera’s ability to make your pets the cutest.

Struggling to engage with the concept of “father and son Republican operatives Timmy and Tommy Teepell.” Come on man can even one thing be like 5% less stupid

All he needed to say was that he denounces not just the Muslim Brotherhood, but all Muslims except the good ones who believe in the Lord Jesus Christ, just like all the good Buddhists and Hindus. What would have been so hard about that?

Is the idea that we’re supposed to replace the billionaire tax with a charge to punch this guy in the face? Because I’m not not on board

Very rare to see a movie that pushes moviemaking itself forward. I was thinking a lot of ADAPTATION during YCSE but that movie couldn’t fathom this level of ouroborosness.

Carville has reached Glenn Greenwald levels of defining his political ideology based on whomever has been mean to him, personally

Now let’s revisit the longtime ban on sitting on your front porch in a rocking chair and fanning yourself while saying “my, my, my”

[at second rodeo] no, no, no, none of this is right

“The internet is a store but it used to be a library” hits me like a slug to the chest

Can’t dismantle the master’s house with the masturbator’s tools. That vibrator might be real powerful but it’s just not enough