Plug McSassy

Seeing adult twins is weird. Like this isn’t cute anymore

whoever did elon's facial masculinazation surgery really fucked that dude up

me: pendants annoy me him: why? me: they think they know everything him: I think you mean “pedants” me: *under breath* fucking pendant

can we just leave them in there

weird how the world series only has one team in it this year, the rays. and they are losing? somebody said the other team is the brewers, but that obviously can’t be true

Cheesecake Factory Architect: The vibe I’m going for is “insane sultan sorcerer who keeps murdering his wives and constructs an enchanted palace designed to forever trap their souls”

It’s good that cheesecake factory is decorated like an occult temple to an eldritch deity. Any restaurant can feed you cheesecake, only Cheesecake Factory makes it feel like part of a ritual

Half the stuff in the monster mash probably didn't actually happen

IME all Google software is approaching being so broken now, that it is actually impossible to use, for any real purpose

"Barney" was the name of the friendly barnacle creature in Half-Life 1

so hey, FUCK nintendo. I just bought and downloaded a swtich-2-only game on my switch 2. But I can't play it because the "virtual game card" was sent to my old switch 1. wherever that is. and where it can't even run. like What the fuck

Eric Pratt, the republican running for Angie Craig's open seat in MN-02, left the AI restating his prompt on his website. "The President is not popular, so all messaging should be focused on local politics and needs." amazing

a below-average woman could break me in under 10 seconds 😏

[at second rodeo] no, no, no, none of this is right

can't explain right now but please note I disavow Neo Zalmoxianism

running a guy over with my car and then propping his body up in the driver's seat so it looks like a suicide

bad news: turns out bluesky was connected to the internet this whole time

all my bestiality vids only have unattractive horses 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

add a photo you took of something good

real grown ups don’t waste their precious time playing video games. they spend all day posting online

"When you die, St Peter plays you a slideshow of all the insects that flew into your ear canal and died during your life." "Does... does that affect whether you get into heaven?" "No, he just thinks it's neat."

Welcome to adulthood, your fingernails are made of glass and your toenails are made of tungsten

“send trump to iran” as your entire platform = win in a 71% landslide

When you visit Harrison Ford's house, he's going to tell you "get the fuck out of my house" anyway, so you might as well do a magic trick for him.

i installed the ebay app hoping to get notifications for like, if, my item sells. Instead I get "IMPORTANT NOTIFICATION!" *tap* "Ebay thinks you should buy this random thing!" 😒

Well, if it isn’t my “best if used by” date

sorry i haven't been posting much today. the data center that generates my posts has been destroyed

that a man thinks his opinion about the “aura” of a woman he doesn’t know is in any way relevant to anyone at all is very close to the core of roughly everything that’s wrong with humanity

sometimes you just don’t need to win, and it’s more fun to like, scoot around a little bit

unicorns seem so much more realistic than giraffes

My dead husband came back as a skeleton — but I'd already remarried a better-looking skeleton!

look. does it EXIST or NOT??! someone just tell me!!!

maybe if nobody could tell it was Jos A Banks until he showed the label, that just means it doesn’t matter who makes your suit

gavin newsom looks like a resident evil villain

christa pike's botched execution has really shown how BOTH SIDES of the debate are unreasonable anti-death penalty: this is gross and weird, let's stop pro-death penalty: why the fuck didn't they just drag her body to the exit and slam the door on her skull until her heart stopped?

incredible news: we’re having the same arguments over and over for the rest of time

Zombie fiction is, at its core, about the fear of seeing your own body age and decay. Ghost stories are about the impossibility of grappling with the past. Vampires are about what if you got so horny you died

Sad news everyone. Our beloved friend the computer has now become a hated enemy

hollering I’M SUBMISSIVE over and over at the shareholder meeting