mindflakes

My cat yells at me every time I sneeze and I always apologize to him

The great thing about keeping a list of drafts is you can use it to chronicle last night's slow descent into madness

i think it’s okay to be a little evil as long as you have whimsy in your heart and a twinkle in your eye

sometimes, if they’ve been good, i’ll let the groceries ride up in the front of the car with me

"rats with wings" is obviously anti pigeon propaganda, but i love rats! imagine if rats had wings. flying rats!!! they would be so happy

A friend told me I need to “find balance” but he won’t give me a hint where it is and now I’m just getting angry.

Accidentally used the same slice of bread as both the top slice and the bottom slice in the same sandwich and now I'm under arrest for making a non-euclidian hypersandwich

Times may change but the inviolable truths of the world remain unchanged: a scarab is one of the most valuable investments one may make.

Googling what to do when winged skeleton creatures are nesting in your garage

Nobody congratulates me for knowing shapes and colors any more. Even though I'm really good at it now

One thing videogames got right is that it's very difficult to fast travel when you're carrying 120kg of acorns

Roast beef and gravy scented lip gloss

Just realised I haven't posted about the lizards in a while so here's a quick update: They're still pouring out of every vent in my house and I'm still no closer to finding a solution

i just assume blue cheese is healthy bc its kinda weird

i love QR code. i wont scan them but i believe they are a living animal

i never know what to do with my other eye when i wink at people

"So long, suckers," I sobbed. I loved those suckers. I'd miss them terribly

Coming soon: 3 small cups of condiments outside your house for you to dip the mail in

Man is the only animal that borrows my shirts without permission

Third night in a row I’ve dreamt of bees. The hive is calling

Does anyone know what to do? Like in general? I tried running into the side of a parked car but it didn't help

i‘ll have the brown salad and two waters. oh and...(passing waiter a greek drachma)dont bring it to me. make me search for it

Maybe my winter will be dominated by glove choreography. Holding them in one hand while being told a secret. Hurling them at the feet of a traitor. Tightly gripping the wheel of a roadster, zooming along a country road, afire with news.

The 4 types of literary conflict are man vs man, man vs nature, nature vs lawnmower, and horse vs triceratops

Instead of Halloween candy, give the children what they want: sturdy shoelaces, antacids, tinned fish packed in oil. Maybe copies of your hand-bound manifesto.

Maps of the world used to have illustrations of deadly sea monsters, but then the sea monsters lobbied to have those illustrations removed so now you never know when they're going to get you

if cars were edible your friend might hit you up and say hey man can you pick me up, I ate my car

I’m grumpy about the thing I did to me

They call it a 'dish' washer but you can wash almost anything in there if you don't really care what happens to it

Establishing base camp at the bottom of my stairs

The evil version of myself that I trapped in the mirror is always saying stuff like "let me out, I'm not the evil one, you're literally holding a skull right now". Be quiet or I'll throw my skull at you

Every year on the day you were born you have to go on a little adventure. And beforehand everyone is always like “what would you like to do for your adventure” and you have to pause time to remember what your personality is

Delicately feeding crispy onions into my laptop's air vent. Eat up little one

Taunting you by jumping in and out of a protected wetland

I think I’m starting to hear insanely high-pitched frequencies like a bat

I am making a wholehearted effort to remove all cubes from my home.

I've made up a voice for each of you in my head and I've been reading your posts in those voices and frankly you all sound ridiculous

does anyone have any information

out of my way @everyone