Blah Reckons

What base is it when she runs you over with her sugar daddy's golf cart?

Never friend your current coworkers; it allows them to see how cool you are and then they want to hang out with you.

I am busy building a fire with a stolen spark.

what really got me out of bed and other great mysteries of our times

Patching the empty space inside me with donut holes.

Them: Leave only your footprints. Kwai-Chang Caine: Fuck that noise!

Time to suck at life again. LFG!

learning chemistry by posting nonsense jokes and getting corrected

I’m not eating cookie dough at 3 am you’re eating cookie dough at 3 am

😂😂🔥

RIP Donnie Iris youtu.be/YH5Arbm47IQ

*pulls away from kissing Can you tell I just went down on your dad?

Misery loves company but the company doesn't want misery

Enough mashed potatoes on this plate to sculpt Devil's Tower

Sometimes I worry that laying down in my free time isn’t a hobby

Me and the other 3 active accounts on this website think you're hilarious

I just think it's a little suspicious that Pete Townshend has nothing to do with Whoville.

I finally understood the phrase, “rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic,” when I tried to make a plan to fix my life.

Not to brag but I know a thing or two about fuckin' shit up.

Seeing adult twins is weird. Like this isn’t cute anymore

Darting back and forth around the snowplough driveway markers like they are weave poles on a dog agility course

Don’t stop, believing bro

Are you slutty or are you "internet slutty"

I need a new hobby, maybe I’ll become one of those guys who like to get kicked in the balls.

Looking for someone to shoot me with a tranquilizer dart at around 6 every night so I don't drink and smoke constantly. No weirdos

Him: What is your major malfunction? Me: Well, the bigger ones kinda rotate depending on time, day, stress level, etc.

I don’t feel well, but mostly because I’ve completely ruined my life.

And for my next trick *spontaneously combusts*

I put my pants on just like everyone else .. when the supermarket manager tells me he called the cops and I'd better stop molesting the pumpkins.

RIP Chekov 😭😭

For Halloween I'm dressing up as a cutie patootie with a side of anxiety and just a dash of depression

Escape room but it's just me and a block of cheese.

There's no radicchio in this salad! This is radicchio-less!

My cat yells at me every time I sneeze and I always apologize to him

Dentist: your gums are bleeding Dracula: no I suck blood *slurp noises*