geekysteven

I have three books for sale: My National Parks, Explain THAT, Science!, and Unbelievable History. On my book info page it shows where you can get them! geekysteven.com/books

You can just call it chess and need not say rooksmaxing.

Children are not born knowing how to hate. You have to expose them to the couples on House Hunters and explain it to them.

trying to kick someone out of the country for fraud is insane. there is nothing more american than fraud. except maybe shopping carts

thinking about stealing fire from the gods. a hot take

I need a new hobby, maybe I’ll become one of those guys who like to get kicked in the balls.

"you don't have to post every thought you have" well that is news to me

Which of your friends is most likely to drop an anvil on your head? Were you looking for the helper? Because that's the helper.

When Marilyn Manson dies and comes back as a skeleton, he's going to be disappointed that he can't play a full xylophone octave on his ribs.

Pestilence: there can only be four horsemen of the apocalypse Famine: so, one of us needs to go War: well, I know who I’d choose Gary: you thinking Death too?

That’s weird, man. I wear sunglasses inside because I’m high like a normal person.

When you're bitten by a werewolf people assume the hideous transformation occurs when you turn into a snarling beast, but the worst change is that you have to become the sort of person that is overly interested in the lunar phases.

please say it’s twizzlers please say it’s twizzlers please say it’s t

installed a colour-changing led bulb so NOW SHOWING: low budget wicked

I bet there’s a lot of kissing st thr bottom of a football pile

jsyk if you keep your bag on the seat next to yours on an extremely full train im casting Fall In Love With An Emotionally Unavailable Brunette on you as a 9th level spell

the person who starts the big group chat is the CEO. they don’t make a lot of appearances but when they do everyone is extra agreeable with them, so as to earn their recognition; possibly a bonus

Please listen carefully as our menu items have changed.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but they only take a maximum of 5 HP per turn

“i'm a top" "i'm a bottom” Yeah, that’s how a horse costume works pal

Make this season magical by getting a swamp witch to cast a hex that brings about the fall of humanity.

fascist: queer people are a mortal threat to our country liberal: I disagree with what he says but I will defend to the death his right to say it queer person: *gets murdered* liberal: liberal: look I never specified WHOSE death

liberty mutual was the only advertiser who stuck with tucker carlson after he said mexicans were "filth" so whatever fantasies you have about torturing the mascot are morally correct

Me: I'm not threatening anyone, I'd just like you to ask him if he'd consent to a fistfight behind the Waffle House. Secret Service: SIR.

getting "high"??? maybe you should try getting "hi", as in saying "hi" and "hello" to the people on your neighborhood!

I swear I'm too old for hookup culture, the only poppers I got are these knees, ya feel me

He didn't even get any special training on the transporters, he just likes them and thinks they're cool

"So long, suckers," I sobbed. I loved those suckers. I'd miss them terribly

[after learning about how muscles work] oh so we're marionettes from the inside

Showing up to the Halloween orgy as the One-Eyed, One-Horned, Flying Purple People Eater so they know what to expect

I don't respect people who don't vote. It's a meaningless parody of protest. If every leftist in Canada who doesn't vote instead wrote in "Proportional Representation" on every ballot, that'd be an actual protest. It could get news coverage and create conversation. But not voting achieves nothing.

Probably the worst thing about the clocks going forward is having to rotate your entire henge 30°

I'm red-blue colorblind so I never know if distant objects are moving quickly toward me or away from me.

It's a little easier now with Zoom cannibalism, but still a lot of work Wanna book? Here's where you can get it. www.smashwords.com/b...

What annoys me about the BioWare shutdown is that I pretty much just got into Dragon Age. I'm used to being sad about abandoned franchises like Chrono Trigger, you guys give me time to adjust my expectations

It's a myth that you need to drink 8 glasses of water each day. You're thinking about the serum that keeps your bones from liquefying.

Of course, we would have a functional society if you didn't get that latte

I don't do dating apps. I'll take my rejection the old fashioned way. In person.

Me: okay so ask me what my name is My son, very literal: I know, you're Steven Me: no, like say "what's your name" My son: oh, got it. What's your name? Me: Puddin' Tame, ask me again and I'll tell you the same. My son: Wrong. Try again.

me, 44: I just found out I’m on the spectrum best friend: I mean, clearly