Derek, Director of Minutiae

If you found and followed me from someone's Starter Pack, drop me a note to let me know who's so I can properly thank them and share the love.

🎶 I'm holding out for a gyro 🎶

They called him Atilla the hun because he was a real sweety pie. Along with hun, we was also known as babe, sweetheart, and whatever other pet names his wife gave him.

Exactly, and I mean exactly, what it took to finally radicalize me into action. It's almost like I was a sleeper cell for shitposters.

I'm just going to put this here in case anyone is interested in it for some kind of reference or "entertainment purposes only" or whatever. Wouldn't it be wild if one particular Tesla was targeted? That'd be crazy, right? Just completely nuts and so unexpected. gadgetsranked.com/can-a-tesla-...

Anita Ward's 1979 classic "Ring My Bell" as I think it would be sung by Till Lindemann of Rammstein.

Wife: *intentionally singing WAY off key and only well enough for the tune to be recognizable* Wife: I love singing to you! Me: Let me know when it happens... Got a high five for that one. Well, I self-fived, but that made her laugh, so I wasn't in trouble.

Her: Why don't you act maturely and face up to your responsibilities? Me: Get the fuck out of my treehouse.

Linux users: *crickets, but smug*

christian sail:

*knuckle tats* FISH STIX

*knuckle tats* SH_P CLAS

I think it's important to remember, with everything extremely fucked up and dumb right now, that at the root of it, fuck fuck fucking fucking fuck.

No one ever takes me seriously when I say we should bring back guillotines for politicians who don't server the people. Is it because I pronounce it "GWILL-oh-tynz"? I'm saying that right, yeah? I think so. I really think I'm right on this one.

*cutting my own hair* Me: So, doing anything fun this weekend? Me: I don't talk to pigs! *makes oinking noise* Me: *intentionally fucks up my hair because I don't like the attitude*

I console myself that, even if I can't use the word "clusterfuck" in an academic book, "omnishambles" serves just as well.

👇

Peeling open this tube of cookie dough and eating it like a corn on the cob

Here it is, your moment of zen.

Get you a spouse who, when you get a Brennan Lee Mulligan - level rant going about how you want to quit your job and move to the woods to be a hermit, will hand you a snack you can eat while ranting and then patiently listen until your blood sugar stabilizes

This is literally the reason my wife says "Thank Youuu!" after using Alexa. She says, when the inevitable robot uprising happens, she will be looked upon with favor for being polite. Her: ...that way, they won't kill me! Me: First. They won't kill you 𝘧𝘪𝘳𝘴𝘵.

Yeah yeah. Eat the rich. We're on board. But how best to 𝘱𝘳𝘦𝘱𝘢𝘳𝘦 the rich? In my limited culinary experience, I am of the opinion that sous vide would be the most fun, because first you get to completely seal them in a watertight, thick plastic bag, 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 you put them in very hot water for hours!

Hi, just a reminder that when you use Libro.fm for your audiobooks, you support independent bookshops vs. large corporations that drive them out of business. We also pay taxes. And so do indie bookshops.

Hostage Negotiator: "We want the funk! Give up the funk!" *gets shot* "Oww!"

Trying to understand all of the ins and outs of digital security can be overwhelming, but our team at EFF is here to help. With our security starter pack, you can take a few simple steps to improve your digital privacy.

"It's genuinely amazing how little people know about Elon Musk." A Reddit comment that goes back, lays it out, brings receipts, and links to all claims made. Astonishing, honestly. Link: www.reddit.com/r/Fauxmoi/co... ps. I'm just a humble shitposter, but thought this might be informative. Enjoy.

I took Tae Koran Do for a while.

Thinking of changing my name to a schwa just to see how they call for me at the doctor's office. ə.

My wife's dream is to be at a fancy schmancy party and a helicopter lands and someone is like "You are needed at an undisclosed location", so she hands her drink to the closest person, gets in the chopper and disappears into the night sky.

I'm going to start repeating "Hey, human!" to all the magpies around my house. That way, once they learn the vocalization, they can freak out every other person they encounter. My biggest hope is that they pass it down the generations and it spreads from flock to flock.

No one: No one at all: Not a single soul: Me: I'm against cracker crumbs on top of Mac & Cheese. I'm in it for the squish. Thanks for asking.

When you kick a pirate in the crotch

I love when people are like, "I have an idea so ridiculous, I'm going to pay for stickers about it!"

I only have the energy to rage against one, maybe two, machines at a time these days.

Somewhere out there right now, someone's musical resume` has a listing like "Was the HEY! HO! back-up 'singer' guy for [insert stomp-clap-hey indie band here]".

A dating app but it's just one picture of someone's bookshelves, one of their usual grocery haul, one of their pets, and one their thermostat

Ever lay face-down naked in the snow to show solidarity with stumpy-legged dogs who have to pee outside in the winter? haha Yeah, no. Me neither. That would be weird. Totally never done that.

I am famous at my post office for asking to have heavy packages left on the porch instead of returned to the post office and left with a delivery attempt notification slip. This is what I got the last time I asked.

I read that as Pavarotti, which everyone knows are the unscrupulous jerks that follow poor people around and take pictures of them.

Scream Cipher xkcd.com/3054

PSA to remember to freeze your credit, now that your information is in the dark web and also in the hands of hacker bros with no security clearances and a couple of hard drives that might get sold to the highest bidder. easy step by step instructions... www.nerdwallet.com/article/fina...

Darth Vader's full name was Dartholomew Space Invader

nurse: *doing ultrasound* your baby looks fine girlfriend: what about the sex? me: do you not know how this baby got in there?

Nostraratu? Nosferdamus? Nostraferdamatus? Psychic vampire.

Anyone who ever claimed to have suffered from spontaneous human combustion probably just got done sprinting in cords. Being twice accused of lying shortly beforehand is purely coincidence, despite the observational rhyme.

I'm laughing imagining the cars are like dogs when you have to give them to a new home and they run off and run all the way back to where they used to live. All these cars randomly showing up at the massive factory parking lot.