I've got a dad back

Me, visibly uncomfortable: they told me beans give you gas My mechanic: not like that. How did you fit so many into your gas tank?

“the fun size are going down a little too easy today” he said, butterfingerly

Friend: Your cat's meowing - where is she? Me: In the litter box Friend: She cries when she's pooping? Aw, hahaha Me: HAHAHA RIGHT WHERE'D SHE LEARN THAT ELL OH ELL

“𝘞𝘪𝘤𝘬𝘦𝘳 was great. I mean, who doesn’t fantasize about fucking the furniture?” - film review by JD Vance

they should invent a peanut butter jar that doesn’t get peanut butter on the knife handle

Wesley Snipes is so bad ass in Blade because he’s not acting. He still hunts vampires on the weekends.

Maybe stop bitching about your own little problems for a second and help me find out where my wife hid the goddamn Halloween candy.

sometimes, if they’ve been good, i’ll let the groceries ride up in the front of the car with me

mr peanut shell half on mr peanut no shell mr peanut sex tape mrs peanut mr peanut see through shell mr peanut stepmother the elegant mrs cashew mr peanut nude

Children are not born knowing how to hate. You have to expose them to the couples on House Hunters and explain it to them.

[i come crashing through the ceiling tiles] it’s time to post

retroactively dedicating this to @youremceekayvee.bsky.social

​

About to rearrange some guts (carve pumpkins)

wife: i could use a small break from you me: i understand and that’s fine but when do i get a small break from me

I’m the guy who decided every Microsoft Office app needs to be like 3 GB. I actually don’t think they’re big enough

I love how the garbage can clings to the bag when you try to pull it out. I love romance.

BREAKING: Flávio Bolsonaro admitted to hospital for “tube time”

my 37 “i voted” stickers has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my stickers

I'm not sure where some people learned to talk quietly, but I'm guessing inside a helicopter, surrounded by chainsaws.

"Yes, this small stool will definitely fit in your enormous SUV unless it is filled also with clowns"

🤣 smooth whale jazz

Sunday music. An oldie but a goodie.

just found out that if you bring your own bags and you organize the items on the belt in the most efficient way and are really fast loading up your groceries, you can sometimes get a compliment from the checkout person, in case anyone needed a new possible reward to try to unlock

True story: we named our first daughter after my mother in law, and when our second daughter was born I had to break it to my mom that she didn't have any useable names 😢

To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance, press 3.

Fall is here. So we can finally talk about this serious topic... Jonagold vs. Honeycrisp apples.

All the worms at the park start slithering towards me at the same time. I shake my head. They stop. I'm on a first date, and she's not ready to know about that part of my life yet.

[determined to say something positive] we have had a nice long break from Pauly Shore movies, though

I just found out Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman

"How's life going?" Swimmingly. (High effort, exhausting, you have no choice but to engage in it, or you will die)

Three years ago, my dad said that all fish are the same shape. Out of spite, I decided to draw all 478 families of bony fish listed in Nelson 2016. There's still some stuff I need to edit and some fish I want to redraw but, after 985 days, I finished my big dumb fish project last night.

FRIEND: did you know there's a global shortage of helium? ME: *in a hilariously high voice* that's awful

*trying to even out my sweatshirt strings by pushing the long one back in*

me: hey, can we pick up my mom on the way to church? uber driver: sure me: cool, I’ll cancel the hearse

me: do you suppose it feels better for the sock when you put it on or when you take it off? my pharmacist: I meant do you have any questions about this prescription?

One sec. *returns, wrapped in a blanket with only my eyes visible, settles on your couch* Go on.