Jeff

I do a thorough examination of every new TV I buy to make sure the girl from The Ring is not living inside of it.

you don't rise when people fall

I'm not meant for a 9-to-5. I should be caramelizing onions and writing upsetting short stories.

Lesser-Known McDonaldland Characters: - Ed McMuffin - Deputy Mayor McHucknall - Young Ronald - Mr. Meat Sweats - Marge Fries - Chief Petty Officer Phil A. O'Fish - Dr. Beef Getwellington - Mike D.L.T.

I'm really tired of having to remind all you dipshits and losers how beloved I am.

Every Halloween, Chip and I offer solid alternatives for when you run out of candy. Latest: - a cappuccino - handful of random Legos - tennis ball - AA and AAA batteries from your junk drawer that you’re pretty sure still work - USB cable - Kraft Single More: www.junkmilesshow.com/talking-hubi...

Create an unwarranted level of concern by telling your family "pray for me" every time you leave the house.

It's been a while but I am 100% back on my #FrozenMarg bullshit.

Hazelnut loves Kelly very much and will leap onto any piece of furniture, usually in a single bound, to be near her.

My two favorite Cars songs. Benjamin Orr 🙏 youtu.be/z9Ua4qVKQsk?...

me thinking about the one beer I will enjoy tonight before I fall asleep while watching 80s Top of The Pops video compilations.

A few weeks ago, while driving on Kelly Drive in a torrential rainstorm, I spotted a historical marker high on a hill. "Huh, why is that there?" I said to myself. A few days later I found myself bushwhacking through knee-deep underbrush and sumac trees to find the answer.

☠️NEW EPISODE☠️ @chipchantry.bsky.social and I chatted with comedian Jake Mattera about “Hubie Halloween” and all things Spooky Season including awesome kids’ costumes, Halloween candy alternatives, Mogwai, Dana Gould, Edward Scissorhands, Ken Burns and more! www.junkmilesshow.com/talking-hubi...

I feel bad for the Dodgers. I think the team that spends the most money should always win, it means they care more.

WHERE'S MY GODDAMN JASMINE AND SANDALWOOD CALMING CANDLE??!!!

sorry I can't come to your thing I have a spooktacular

Love knowing I’ve got a meeting where coffee will be provided. The coffee will be bad, assuredly, but how much can I drink? At what point in the meeting will I most enjoy leaving the table to refill my cup? And the choice of milks!

when you're pleased with the job you've done

Imagine seeing a little girl dressed as Edith Bunker at your door...

British people please stop using "pudding" as a general term for desserts, you're just being difficult.

I had no idea this was a show when I wrote the post below :) www.the-independent.com/arts-enterta...

My son is very little so he's going as the Tom Cruise version of Reacher for Halloween.

If I was in charge of naming "The Lost Boys" "Vampire Town" "Santa Carla Stake House" "Bosom Bloodies" "The Boy Suck Club"

Not part of the problem or the solution but some secret third thing

Watching Great British Bake Off with the fam, LOLing, thinking about this classic Tom DeLonge Cake

You know those accounts where they power wash and scrub very dirty rugs? All those rugs are from my house.

You know what really bugs me? When my astronaut stepfather comes back from his latest mission "different" and no one else notices, nor believes me when I try to tell them. So annoying!

When I tell my husband I’m going to do something, I’m going to do it. No need to remind me every six months.

Doing the lord’s work (I caused a drought)