House of 1000 Fionas

My main hobbies

I'm not meant for a 9-to-5. I should be caramelizing onions and writing upsetting short stories.

You know what I could really go for right now? One of those large cash settlements

A few years ago I saw a car that had been painted up for a high school pep event or whatever, and man do I wish I had gotten a picture of the back window that said in huge teen girl neon bubble lettering "HONK IF YOU'RE DOING BAD"

Today was the first day un-sweaty enough to wear this gray Paleface Swiss tour T-shirt since I got it in May, and you KNOW that means it's "shorts-clad body emerges, steaming, from the Rite-Aid" season

"EAR MUFFS WHEN IT'S 55°? HO HO, I WISH YOU LUCK ON MAKING IT TO SPRING," I boom as my shorts-clad body emerges, steaming, from the Rite Aid

For the first time in my life I had a honeydew melon that was actually ripe, and well, "I wasn't really familiar with your game" etc

Just had an epiphany (what if slice cheddar long-wise??)

Try new and improved Ubiquitol: It's Everywhere™

Ahh, nothing like the post-teletherapy 15 minute semi-supine couch void-stare

I promise to use my powers for good, only very occasionally for evil, and always for class war

Whenever I'm almost caught up at work, my body is like "finally I have time for 48 hours of gastrointestinal upheaval"

I don't want to shower and go to work, I wanna stay home and be disgusting

awoke this morning with a Vision

My English ex-boyfriend's mother: Cor blimey Me: Y'all motherfuckers really out here sayin that shit, huh

(wakes up too early on a Saturday) (Santa Claus "Detective Crashmore" press junket voice) Absolute fսcking bullshit. Unprofessional bullshit.

Had a dream I was observing an MRI, but the machine spun the person like they were in a tumble dryer and I was like "how are they possibly getting a clear image here"

I do enjoy going on vacation, but there's just nothing like home toilet advantage

I must not lie down. Lie down is the awake killer

New York is feeling so much joy from the Knicks championship win that maybe we can finally begin to heal from our greatest tragedy: the death of Jerry Orbach

Sources close to the situation are saying "who cares" and "do I have to"

Being callously refused entry to the cinema for trying to bring my emotional support nachos

The entity known as "Jelly Roll"

🎶 Might as well face it you're addicted to

Everyone who rocks dies and everyone who sucks is still fucking president

NYT reporters all shoving their heads up random asses, asking the intestinal parasites where they stand on the filibuster.

All Democrats have to do to win midterms is be like "We won't give you the explosive diarrhea parasite" and instead they probably will be like "We have to move further right to appeal to the explosive diarrhea parasite"

How are you guys distinguishing between the parasite explosive diarrhea and your regular everyday anxiety explosive diarrhea

Can't tell if this is pre-menopause, or just the ill effects of this ring I'm carrying to Mordor

Wearing my emotional support Judas Priest tee shirt

(picturing the meeting after someone inevitably asks if I'm glad to be back) Me, to HR: I said I "low key wish I'd never been born" not "high key wish I were dead" okay?? Fucking idiot

Marmalade does the quality checks. This one is good to ship

The old world is dying, and the new world struggles to be born. Now is the time of monsters. Why not buy a nice handmade wallet?

Comin' in hot to Tuesday running on fumes and fury

Can't tell if this is pre-menopause, or just the ill effects of this ring I'm carrying to Mordor

I'm 1 of 3 sisters, so take this writing tip from me: never have anyone call their sister "sis". Calling them "dude" is much more realistic

For more, we go to our reporter at the scene, Glenn Danzig. Glenn?

Oh funny coincidence, I also cloned that rich monster as a baby