Cmdr. Overbite

An important thing to realize before you seek to cancel me is that I am a cishet white Gen X Former Gifted Kid divorced dad; there is therefore a vast scope for my opinions to be way Worse

You cannot better embody the dril tweet about turning a big dial labeled “RACISM” while looking back at the audience like a contestant on the Price Is Right without actually bringing an actual physical dial on stage before your remarks

I don’t know who that is and I don’t know who that is and I don’t know what that is and I don’t know who that is, or even whether that last one is a “who.”

Chelsea Hotel Mambo Number Five

A few years ago I had a dream about a political cartoon which depicted a totem pole whose top three animals were labeled (from bottom to top) “CONGRESSIONAL INITIATIVE,” “YOUR TAX $,” and “BOB SEGER.” No, I don’t know either.

RFK is of course correct, it has been *checks notes* an entire year since an Arab has won a Nobel Prize

today’s sports commentary: wearing throwback gear in the world series is just wrong for reasons I can’t articulate but are true

It is eternally vexing that there is a halo effect from this guy’s Magic Surname that still prevents a slice of the public from realizing how much he sucks

Next month, Esquire’s Unsurprising Revelations Department will be publishing my essay “Yee-Ouch, Them Pins Is Pointy.”

Bumper sticker reading “MY OTHER MAP IS THE TERRITORY”

The guy who The Mods gave way too many chances to before they permabanned him from the web forums you used to frequent in the early 2000s learned so few lessons from that experience he now works In Republican digital comms, part 19 of an endless series

re: my Obama number

Pay any price, bear any burden, until we accomplish something or another maybe, not sure what, doesn’t really matter. What do YOU, the viewers at HOME, think the point of this all was?

maaan fuck ya doink

Rome Odunze hater brigade in shambles

But “trans kids are a threat to the safety of participants in municipal U7 coed recreational soccer” is an overreaction along the lines of saying “Glonzo is real and if I am elected the junior senator from Mass I will devote all my energy to napalming Haverhill on the off chance he’s hiding there”

When someone comes up with a genuine attempt to address the question that isn’t “trans people shouldn’t be allowed to exist in public,” I’d be ready to listen but not holding my breath there

once more with feeling

I don’t mean to blow up my friend who posted this meme to FB but, real talk, this shit is DOGE But Leftishly. “I don’t understand thing therefore thing not important” is dumb as hell no matter the premises you started with before you came to that conclusion

“Mr. Jefferson, in light of the fact that the US has evolved into a nation with a diverse industrialized economy, do you regret the emphasis you placed on becoming a nation of freehold farmers?” “WTF THERES AN IRON BIRD IN THE SKY”

I kind of enjoy the fact that there’s a genre of music so nebulously defined it can encompass both Slint and Avril Lavigne and I encourage its devotees to pretend (with a completely straight face) that this is actually a normal thing everyone’s OK with

No Kings includes Draft Kings

seeing Digable Planets as part of the Make It The Mid-Nineties Again Through Science Or Magic Extravaganza

The first ~40 minutes of WALL-E is not just an S-Tier all-ages animated film but a Sight & Sound poll cinematic masterpiece irrespective of genre and the rest of the movie is…fine

"We cannot get out. We cannot get out. They have taken the bridge and the second hall. The pool is up to the wall at West Gate. The Watcher in the Water took Óin. We cannot get out. The end comes soon. We hear drums... drums in the deep. They are coming"

As one of the candidates featured in these polls - the infamous one in late June that showed me plummeting into single digits (which was at odds with our internals) - here's the impact of this "experiment"

My social media is just for show. My real work involves visiting each of my followers in alphabetical order and telling them to their face what their problem is.

It’s great to finally be back in Portland

The Romance Of Flight update: the guy in the aisle seat went to the washroom to freshen up, by which I apparently mean “douse himself in a mixture of Canoe By Dana and 1M Aqueous Ammonia Solution”

Choosing to believe that the American Airlines AAdvantage frequent flyer program is properly pronounced by voicing both As with a glottal stop between them, like a double vowel in Hawaiian separated with an apostrophe

I have officially broken the single-year record for Inexplicably Setting Off The TSA Metal Detector With One’s Crotch previously held by Silas “Tungsten Dick” McGillicuddy back in 1931

It’s almost always dumb when the public blames the President for gas prices but in this case it’s true to an extraordinary degree that the government had an alternative course they could have taken to avoid this and that was “doing literally anything else.”

the people of chicagoland have delegated to me the responsibility to issue the following statement: fuck this jagoff in particular thank you for your time, green bay sucks, drive home safe, etc

Netanyahu is a genocidal war criminal who belongs in the Hague, but Jews were not considered ethnic Poles based on the Polish government, and Polish Jewish last names were forced on families against their will. This kind of conspiratorial rhetoric about Jews faking their identity is gross.

I think it’s a coalition of groups. Group One learned great-power geopolitics from Civilization and HOI and sees democracy as a hopelessly squishy form of government that can’t possibly win a war against a stoic leviathan state of manly lethal killguys

My man out here bringing the Cat 5 rhetorical defense of the Republican ticket in the home stretch of the campaign