David Simon

The citizen who yelled "Shove that ballroom up your fat ass" is, in this hard time, a patriot. Honestly, what is left to say about this level of misrule? What careful critique hasn't been already offered? What reasoned response to this full-on run at fascism and kleptocracy remained unspoken?

As a Baltimorean old enough to remember when Mayor William Donald Schaefer wore 1890s bathing trunks and jumped into the seal pool himself to highlight the eminent opening of the National Aquarium here, I need to politely suggest that Mr. Mamdani did not go big enough here.

Lately I've been pretending that he was Ukrainian.

It's almost as if he's for once trying to tell a fundamental truth, but he can't name names.

If still debating whether Donald Trump or Elon Musk willfully crippled Ukraine's missile defense, helping to slay innocent civilians, you are a rube. If the U.S. President had no role, then an oligarch governs national security. If not, the U.S. President serves Russia. Both answers are mortifying.

Favorite film in haiku -- If they move, kill 'em. Because you don't give your word To a railroad, Pike.

Too true. Between appetizer and entree at the Old Ebbitt Grill two weeks ago, not only was I jacked up by a street gang for a watch and wallet, but then, as I was waiting, bereft, for a dessert menu, my youngest child was taken away by the kitchen staff and transitioned without informing me.

Lorenzo Salgado Araujo was driving his construction crew to work when an ICE officer shot and killed him in Houston. He wasn’t even the person ICE was looking for. Now Texas voters are leaving their “I Voted” stickers at his memorial. #BlueWaveIn10Days

This is fucking lunacy. The only people getting robbed in D.C. restaurants were those prodigals patrons leaning too hard into the overpriced wine list.

This gibbering moron's political rhetoric is a fourth-grader standing at the edge of an elementary school blacktop yelling the first shard of juvenilia that floats into his head. And he is the President of the United States. We are so debased before the world.

Now that he's committed and with the ring on his credit card that 3-5 exacta bet needs to come in, for fuck's sake.

This is a murder.

My uncle was the tsar of all the Russias. He later married Jean Harlow. And he invented the electric guitar. Since we're just making shit up.

Astounding corruption, even for kleptocracy as debased as ours is now.

That he would call that woman a mother and walk away from the young child who was raped -- and the two children who were abandoned when the woman fled with the rapist rather than show up in court -- is entirely on-brand. Sociopath. Narcissist. Liar. And yes, rapist.

Democrats won, Democrats lost. Republicans won, Republicans lost. Until this tinpot fascist lost an election, this republic and our ability to select our own government was presumed. It was the cornerstone. Now we no longer believe in our own process. He is destroying our democracy. With intent.

We live in the most debased political environment in modern American history and even so, I am slackjawed that this vileness is being pursued. This woman sided with the rapist and abuser of her 12-year-old daughter. After he was indicted, she fled with him rather than face court. The GOP is trash.

Yes, everything on the internet that doesn't echo your prayers is unfocused and off-point. Fuck all, Kathie, citing this as an obvious metaphor is actually quite specific to the charge that Trump and Hegseth have destroyed U.S. standing in the world. If that eluded you, take a breath. Thanks.

This metaphor is ridiculously obvious and unsubtle. Fire the writers. They're hacks.

@andertoon.bsky.social

Shame is dead. So is the Republican Party as a legitimate participant in our self-governance.

How is this brand of political engagement and advocacy entitled to any non-profit tax-exempt status? How is this is any difference than the messaging from a political organization or PAC? How the fuck how?

Every day before this election that Donald Trump gibbers on about his ballroom, his helipad and some fucking golf course in Washington D.C. is a good day for restoring our republic.

The United States of America is bathing in shame.

When your admiration for another man's ass and your desire to tell the world carries across state lines and over several days, it's time to acknowledge that you may be ready to consider a change in lifestyle.

Do you know how fecal you hae to be to use for political gain a daughter's evidenced sexual abuse by her stepfather and subsequent estrangment from a mother who took her husband's side and lost custody of both her kids as a result? We do now. Come on down, Vivek, you utter piece of shit.

Girls! Stop fighting. You're both pretty..

That buainess about God delivering himself in human form so that he could feel the actual suffering of his every creation and then using that suffering to redeem all? That lofty bit eluded these sadists in its entirety. Whatsoever they do to the least of other people, hey, they were asking for it.

And they clap.

How about your fair fucking share of taxes and stop trying to fool the rest of us by sweeping the crumbs off your table.

J.D. Vance is the most soulless, slanderizing, racist asshole to ever hold high office in the United States. Except, of course, for the president he serves. And by not employing more profanity and maledicta here, I am short-selling him. So to the extent my rhetoric has been imperfect, that's on me.

Glad to see your seat seemingly secure in these troubled times for Republican office holders. And certainly, Faber College is widely recognized for the legtimacy of its polls, as well as the excellence of its academic programming. As Founder Emil Faber, so famously opined: "Knowledge is good."

Political insight from the Texas senator. Clearly, Trump has alienated this powerful voting cohort and certainly, in doing so, he has tipped the scales and brought about polls in which 60 percent of Americans think his administration is fucking the dog. Never poke left-wing transgender witches.

It's time to bring back Mr. Scaramucci. He's tan, he's rested, he's ready.

My deepest regret today is simply that this shard of enlightenment on the human condition was not broadcast to a waiting, credulous audience on Fox News. In that sense, I kind of miss this guy.

Are you kidding? Do you know how much that trinklet is going to be worth as a one-of-a-kind? It's the Shroud of Turin of statuettes, the upside-down-plane-airmail-postage-stamp of peace prizes. Trump just made a killing.

It's about time someone optioned that classic and delivered on a non-stop action flick.

This is just piling on the poor lady. If only that unreliable donor had transferred the $100K to her Amex account, then everyone else would be paid in full. What is it about trickle-down economics that you hollowed-out Keynesian lefties don't understand?

The buck stops on whatever mook catches my knife in his back.

I love this as a variation on a theme. Thelonius Monk once replied to someone who termed him a genius: "A genius is the one most like himself."

Rep. James was busy helping his neighbor deworm a dog, a task which took longer than expected. The dog, by then quite exercised, chewed up the ony copy of the congressman's campaign remarks. Thereafter, we are told, his car wouldn't start, else he would certainly be here with us today...

Irony is a mouldering cadaver.

The law says no such thing. And to play this game with any reporter marks you as an idiotic blowhard -- which nowadays equates to merely being a garden-variety political hack. But to do it and target a student journalist? You are the Platonic ideal of a unwiped asshole, which equates to Andy Harris.

This sort of stuff can be confusing. I consulted some people I knew to ask if I could say I was once the starting third baseman for the Baltimore Orioles and they said, "Brooks, my man, you can absolutely say that. You played some infield in Little League and summer camp, right?"

If true, tens and possibly hundreds of thousands of human beings are going to destroy themselves and each other in new and mildly interesting ways.

John Roberts and four other Supreme Court justices have betrayed the U.S. Constitution. The checks are gone. Imbalance prevails. The American experiment in self-governance is imploding in real time.

Double-binkied.