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You need someone at home, and you need a large enough home. I think stay at home moms were an attempt to have the same things a generation or so previous did with live-in help, like housekeepers, maids, and butlers. Paid help is a much better way than depending on unpaid and stuck spouses.

Oh ffs. My husband and I host lots of dinner parties. We can do it because we both clean and cook. Homes with men who care and OWN half the housework can still have friends over.

Oh, so THAT'S what they're talking about! Good grief! I thought the Guardian was better than that. That's like NYT early 90s fare.

I never drop in on someone unplanned and plan visits to my house rarely and only for relatives. Why? I'm an introvert with a strong sense of privacy. I'd feel vulnerable if I thought other people might just randomly show up.

When I first saw this piece and the main image for it, I thought the piece was going to critically parody Boomer type nostalgic whining about 'Kids these days who don't host anymore.' But no.

When I was younger in the ‘80s & ‘90s I often had dinner parties. It’s hard work so now I limit them to a few times a year

Influencers and bots have spotlessly clean and ultra designed homes that are all over our feeds. Most people barely have time to handle housework and repairs. No wonder we’re hiding

Wait. What is this BS? Hang with your friends! Who cares what thier place looks like? In art school we all had crappy, messy apartments but friends were over all the time! Even now, the only reason friends don't hang out more at our house is we live in the effing boonies and it's a long drive.

My home entertaining has increased massively since I moved in with my more flexibly employed (& not chronically ill) partner, who does the planning, prep, inviting, and cooking

Regardless of the reason for decline—few things are more stressful to me than having a bunch of people in my house

So the husbands can’t pitch in and help?

I’d have to clean for 3 weeks just to get the place presentable enough to hire one of those after-the-murder cleanup crews to come in and clean for three days just to hire a normal cleaning person to work as a live-in for life just to get the place to where I’d allow the EMT’s in to drag me off.

For me, hosting and church is impossible because of all the perfumes, body sprays, scented detergents, make up, etc. I end up very sick or in the ER

Oh wow finishing a book and playing cards being so low is sad.

We all grew up seeing how stressed out and crazy mom got before and after company and decided maybe, as adults, that meeting some place where somebody else does all the clean up and meal prep is worth spending money on.

Exactly. I don’t think the issue of scattered work hours is mentioned enough. Stores don’t close at 5 anymore. They’re open till 9,10pm. Open on weekends. People staff those hrs. The 24/7 work week changed family life forever.

I find it interesting, in a time where the news is constantly asking why we're not having children, that they've mentioned children and their mess but not the reality for most of us: 3-5 housemates and only enough kitchen and living room to fit half of you in.

but in short snatches for checking in here, or email.

I think this is an exaggeration. You can only afford to feed six guests at dinner, once every so often, if you have two adults working fifty hours a week? So no one earning less than (median wage) two hundred and sixteen thousand dollars a year can ever afford a dinner party? No.

the commutes have gotten worse

And most prehistoric societies also cared for their sick and disabled family members. Skeletons found in archaeology digs have shown both healed broken bones and signs of long--lasting disability.

For me personally WhatsApp made sustaining friendships possible that would've long faded away if we couldn't occasionally check in on each other. So I think distance is an important factor

Biggest reason is many people can’t really afford it. It generally requires having a big enough space that’s not in the middle of nowhere and to pay for food and drinks for the guests. All of that is kind of a luxury these days.

Want to drop by unannounced? drop on by, you’re always welcome. Feel the need you must be invited? come on over, we will party. Want to judge the cleanliness of my house? leave Open the closet or bathroom cabinet door? You die. Those are the rules

😥Sorry to hear that. I cut a some social events from my calendar if they seem risky because of health problems my husband has had in the past. I still try to guard his health. Plus, my adult kids keep me on a narrow a path to this same end for their dad.

It me.

Same. With like 2 exceptions, I'm not sure I'd trust it even if people told me they were masking. Sadly I've learned that I can't even trust most people to tell me they're sick before I see them.

I LOVE having people over for food & D&D & writing groups...or I did before I had to start sheltering from covid. I'm disabled & can't work (which is why I had time to occasionally have people over) but I can't anymore, it's too dangerous for my terrible health. They want dinner parties? Fix things.

My parents in 80s & 90s rarely hosted. they were always working or working out or we had school activities. Disliking their lack of social life is actually one of the reasons I dont have kids. But thanks to Covid I can’t host anymore anyway: too disabled & I can’t risk getting sicker from unmasked

Maybe it’s that women are tired of doing all the damn work involved in dinner parties, planning, cleaning, shopping and cooking. Maybe it’s that women are tired of being the damn maid. Maybe it’s that women are tired of imaginary gender roles.

No mention that the upper middle class hired domestic help. I grew up middle class and my family had potluck holiday dinners where everyone pitched in. They never hosted "dinner parties." At most, the neighbors came over for meatloaf or spaghetti. No-one expected more than that.

“Until the 1960s, things like homework from school was limited, and children kind of looked after themselves, playing in the street... and turning up only when they needed to get fed. Now the little darlings are under your feet until they go away to university.” What decade is this quote from??

Polarized gender relations, stressed families, and children raised by caregivers. If this model's promise was well-being, where are the results? Who is actually measuring the profound human cost to families and children?

It's more than okay to be scruffy I have friends who ... their homes always seem "company ready" to me. I have authentic conversations in their homes, probably because being neat and tidy is authentic for them. Authenticity invites authenticity. www.treehugger.com/in-priase-sc...

yea, yea, I don't know if the point of all this is people SHOULD have more parties in their 1 bedroom apartments or whatever. But at a party recently the person who owned a house hosted, not the person who lives with roommates. Is that terribly surprising?

*On the drop by victim thing, maybe I'm extrapolating from my own mother's dislike of this and Nick at Nite's old black and white comedies full of jokes about nosy neighbors and prying mother-in-laws...but those jokes came from somewhere...

Personally, I think dropping by unannounced is shockingly rude! I will never understand why some people still think it's acceptable.

The pandemic wasn't just an opportunity to cocoon, at least for some of us (me). It was the moment when my house turned into a hell-hole of chaos. I'm still climbing out. You have to be a *very* special friend to see my messy nest. (Hoping to fix that and get back into having people over.)

And intensive parenting.

Frankly the article tried to do too much. It touches on a bunch of reasons and misses several more. The one I was waiting to see but never did was the architectural changes in our homes over the past 50 years. We don’t build or design our homes with reception space in mind.

"Why aren't they throwing impromptu dinner parties in the slums we created where folk work 4 jobs to earn a living wage as grocery, gas & daycare prices go thru the roof?" We've fully gone back to well off weirdos as "journalists".

Exactly! That was the vibe I got from the Derek Thompson quote especially.

I would love to have family over, but they all live far away. I would love to have friends over, but they are all covered in artificial scents which causes an allergic reaction 😢

We can’t win! I remember Hillary Clinton articulating this very clearly in the early 1990s and goodness knows she probably wasn’t the first.

Just read this article for The Atlantic on the same subject, and they did take note of women entering the workforce being one of the factors. www.theatlantic.com/ideas/2026/1...

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Oh, no, we can’t have that! 😂

Where did they find that creepy picture?

The research show it does not work out that way. 2023: www.pewresearch.org/social-trend...

Yes! I was always 8 to 5. 9 to 5 was sleep-in luxury.

In our case we concluded that we just don’t like people that much.

I used to host a lot more regularly, now I keep it to maybe once a month. The COVID lockdown taught me I am actually a lot more of an introvert, and I was hosting more from obligation than enjoyment. Sometimes an extravagant meal for 1 or 2 tastes better.

Thank you for your service and sorry about your house 😏

And sometimes working for less income than a man in the same job, & still coming home to have the expectation laid on them that keeping house, cooking, etc. Is also "their" job. It's refreshing when running across a husband/father who cconsiders it equally a shared responsibility.

If you show up unannounced, you may show up to an empty house or an empty fridge or someone having to work from home the whole night. Or someone who is at home and making dinner and purchased two small steaks for two people for dinner so you can watch them eat.

Empty- handed is one thing but please don’t show up to my house at a meal I have planned with a food item which needs to be served immediately.

This.

be-all-and-end-all of socializing, when what really matters is spending quality time with your friends, not doing it in a particular (honestly kinda old-fashioned) way.

An American thing? Sounds quite nice. We did have parties, but they were booze and snacks affairs (mostly booze), not ‘dinner parties’ where the lady of the house cooks a posh 3 course meal for selected guests.

oh i guess that's a north american thing thanksgiving family dinner is a big thing for some reason which i always thought was dumb bc it's a month before christmas en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Friends...

It also seems to be based on TV commercials from the 60s and 70s. The only thing worse than nostalgia is fauxstalgia.

People in the international women's club still host dinner parties in NL - a perfect example of how some traditions survive abroad better than at home. I never go to them because my social anxiety can't do dinner parties. Can't stand them . I go to other IWCU events - they are my 3rd space.

Or that it's simply easier and often cheaper to go to a pizza parlor or a sports bar to share some appetizers and a pitcher of beer.

Driving a long way & cleaning up are huge issues w/ having people over but frankly ppl need to learn to ignore instagram & do less. I have friends over regularly to craft or watch tv. The house is messy, unfashionable, and I serve herbal tea & light snacks to save time and $. People come!

How long before those candles caused a fire to break out?

Why is this a bad thing? What a horror having the social pressure to entertain at oné’s home every so often. Much better to meet some place outside.

“now” If “now” means for the last 40+ years or so, sure.

Don’t worry your almost fully invaded and slavery is part of the package

Unplanned visits are kind of psycho with 24/7 communication.

Posh, innit

Yes! Jess I'm so tired. Being a working mom is so tiring! (I know you know).

I limit who I have over because I only allow blue people to my home. It’s peaceful and safe here.

so THAT'S why everyone stopped inviting me to parties.

Shirley her husband's job pays enough for her to stay home to host impromptu parties ... Right?

Among other issues, hygge doesn’t mean staying home alone with your candles lit, it’s about candlelight and spending quality time with your close friends and family - at home and elsewhere.

Unplanned guests? Who shows up to someone’s house without an invitation or a text?

Oh shit, yeah - real. Unless you count living in a punk show-house: I've never hosted. But I do remember that doting sense I'd adorn for the first few friends or the touring band who'd show up early.

Also cost, at least for me. Pre Covid I'd spend about 150 or less for a gathering, but two years ago someone invited me and requested a fave dish to bring, a crab & eggplant dish. Naturally the cost of crab has tripled so it cost me a fortune to bring one dish for 10. Pot luck isn't appealing to me.

🎯💯💯🎯 truth!!

And… my husband and I only overlap on one day off, so we fit chores we have to do together. I care for my dad (and mom until recently). So even houses with older (though most still at home now a days) adult kids have other care duties.

@davidho you should review these comments in answer to your post.

Plus everyone is working something on the side!

It's great to hear that you *personally* have it figured out. It would be *better* if that same generosity was extended for everyone else.

We have an active social life for sure but I want to get OUT of my house and NOT cook when I get a free evening. Also everyone's kids are WAY TOO DAMN OVER SCHEDULED!! Chill the f out, people. I know it's bc college is expensive and competitive but lil Brantley isn't going to MIT, so chilllllllll

This.

I imagine a good start is to have friends and/or family.

OR, hear me out about why we don't entertain at home anymore: to make ends meet, we have to work far more than 9-5 jobs for both male and female. Literally no TIME for this. How about forcing a reasonable salary, minimum wage would be up to about $25 by now if it kept up with inflation.

My family is half thai. We have freinds & family over for dinner 3-5 times a week on average. Its just normal.

"I wasn't allowed to attend my mother's parties as a child and she used to yell at everyone beforehand due to the stress of planning them" yeah, great, this definitely sounds like something we should go back to doing, absolutely.

For a time, I had a weekly movie night for friends that was easy peasy. Everyone brought simple, cold snacks. We all took turns bringing the booze! I didn't have little kids by then, though. If I did, this would never have happened. I

My family has always self hosted, cooking for friends and family is a great pleasure but not the cleaning up 😅

who even hast the space to do that, anymore? I don't even have a functioning living room

We can’t afford to entertain these days

That’s exactly the point… at a restaurant you only pay for yourself, if you host, you pay for everyone, which is why people don’t host.

Zero mention of caring responsibilities, natch (also mainly women).

Not a word about how standards have changed. If your house doesn't look like it's tick tock ready, you don't want to show it. Yes I have a robovac but it's confined to the bedroom because the rest of the house has too much clutter for it to do anything.

Women have always worked. A very small privileged few did not for a very short time in specific countries. More likely that women simply do not want to shoulder the responsibility and labour anymore, and they are no longer forced to. Plus we now have more varied forms of entertainment.