tabuckton

Ding ding fucking ding.

I would do it for free.

Restaurant Staff Has Fun After-Work Ritual Where They Enable Each Other’s Alcoholism https://theonion.com/restaurant-staff-has-fun-after-work-ritual-where-they-e-1851265161/

Good Morning Blue 🌞 My old pickup 83 Chevy Square Body Didn't know it was going be a Classic

“My best writing usually comes from a personal place, and Whalefall is no different.” — Daniel Kraus

Photographer Peter Maier captured this jaw-dropping timelapse of a cloudburst over Lake Millstatt in Carinthia, Austria. Original post

Be sure to check your child’s Halloween candy. Last year, we found a copy of Atlas Shrugged in a fun-size Milky Way.

BREAKING: A complaint has been filed with the California Bar against White House Press Secretary Katie Zacharia, citing Popular Information’s reporting, for “the Unauthorized Practice of Law and for Holding Herself Out as Entitled to Practice Law.”

We Need To Take Trump’s Rhetoric Seriously, But Not Literally vs. Have That Guy Killed https://theonion.com/we-need-to-take-trumps-rhetoric-seriously-but-not-literally-vs-have-that-guy-killed/

“Upon careful analysis, it’s clear our organization is going to bungle messaging in late October, costing us many key races across the nation.” — Ken Martin, DNC chair

Brilliant video from Kansas Governor Laura Kelly talking about her "constituent" Zach Lahn, the Republican running for governor of IOWA who actually lives in Kansas. One of the most brutal political owns I've ever seen. Kudos to all involved.

Xi Jinping Impressed With How Much Trump’s English Has Improved Since Last Visit

Mitch McConnell Returns To Capitol Hill In Jar Of Formaldehyde

“While I am proud to have served Tibetan Buddhism in my current body since 1940, I could not pass up the opportunity to inhabit one of pop’s most electrifying showmen.” — Dalai Lama

A free Masterclass on handling Jesse Waters on Fox. #pinks Abdul is 👌

Slipknot Travels To India To Begin Psychedelic, Free-Love Phase Of Career https://theonion.com/slipknot-travels-to-india-to-begin-psychedelic-free-love-phase-of-career/

What is something that brought you Joy today? For me, I pulled one of my last watermelons, a little tiny one, slightly bigger than a softball. I stuck it in the fridge, even though I expected it to be unripe, but when I pulled it out and cut it in half it was sweet as can be. Eaten in one sitting.

An infinite number of Hollywood executive monkeys will eventually recreate the television production methods that worked for 70 years.

Google's 9/11 Homepage Design Stirs Controversy

Summer supper 🌽🍅

Hey Google, The benefit of online maps is that they're not supposed to fucking fold.

The Trump administration is once again attempting to bully Nevada officials into sending sensitive voter information. DHS previously challenged over 15,000 voters’ ability to remain registered — and, consequently, their right to vote — based on premature information: https://demdock.com/3TfXhXV

George Orwell is rolling in his grave right now. Representative Jim Himes

Really easy to track who authoritarians are waging war against by the abuse you receive as a woman. For me it’s gone from orders to from trolls to get back in the kitchen and make them a sandwich, to I deserve to be raped, to I’m too fat and ugly to rape, to being called trans

“Whether you’ve been sideswiped by a tractor-trailer on a two-lane road or dragged through an intersection by a furniture delivery truck, you can now easily plot a course that fully accommodates your mangled body.” — Jasmine Harper, lead product developer

Antique clockwork drinking bear automaton made in Paris around 1910 by Roullet & Decamps, stripped of its fur due to a severe moth larvae infestation. IG: @thehouseofautomata

The wrong 80-year-old died today.

Somewhere in Washington, D.C., there's a lonely little Left Anterior Descending Artery whose lumen is getting narrower and narrower.

© Olesya Dzhurayeva. 'Morning Conversation.' Linocut on paper, 2016. 21 × 29 cm.

Rosie O'Donnell went out with a bang, ending her guest-hosting of the Jimmy Kimmel Show. She saved her best song for last. Way to go, Rosie! 😅

Oh, and it's a BIG one. Plenty for everyone. But it will probably give you diarrhea.

I suspect the ICE shock gloves won't last long because like six out of ten of the guys who wear them are gonna forget they're on and reach down to scratch their balls.

Ladies and Gentlemen, The Cunt of Mostly Crisco:

May ICE forget their shock gloves are on as they go piss.

Now that's a smart fella. They'll never look in his direction.

Textbook tackle here from former Middletown High School middle linebacker, Kyle Schwarber

Too tired to make dinner, so I made a ice cold fruit salad that required a delicate blend of fresh lime, quinine and juniper berries. (if you catch my drift)

#1WordFor1Music Aug. 5. War. Talking Heads - Life During Wartime youtu.be/8al5cSQNmME?si…

Local Idiot To Post Comment On Internet https://theonion.com/local-idiot-to-post-comment-on-internet-1819569981/

“Generations of us have enjoyed driving out to this secluded little perch for sucking face, and now this giant corporation wants to make it some sort of growth investment,” said longtime Fredericktown resident Diane Moseley

Visited Canada this weekend for a Cardinals-Blue Jay series, and gotta admit Toronto is one great, welcoming city with awesome people.

It's a Franzia Blush night.

I have, with my own eyes, watched my tax dollars in the form of missiles as they hit buildings inhabited by civilians. I'd much prefer subsidizing a grocery story I don't use.

I don't just want the Dodgers to lose the World Series. I want them to get swept. I want the AL team to throw 4 no-hitters in a row, and I want every game to end with a final score of 10-0. #MLB

Trump tells his cultists in every speech, “we are respected all over the world like never before.” And most of them believe him. It should come as no surprise that the 10 states with the fewest number of people with passports per capita are all red states.