crappystuffforjerks

31 Jan 2025

Your Joke is Factually Incorrect: A Guide to Dying Alone

Ok I’m bartending on Halloween. I wanna be a pickle. I don’t know why but it’s so funny.

So I’m gonna wear the costume and then I’m gonna make like 15 “I’m with the pickle” shirts to hand out to the people who come in with no costume. Because who doesn’t wanna be with the pickle? Couldn’t be me.

Update: I’ve also ordered a doe costume (doe. A deer. A female deer.) And when you put them together you get something. Tell me what it is and I’ll tell you if anyone else gets it.

Actual exchange I just had. Customer: I’ll have Smirnoff and grapefruit Me: We don’t have grapefruit Customer: I’ll have Smirnoff, 7, and a splash of grapefruit Me: We still don’t have grapefruit. Like buddy what do you think we’re doing? RATIONING THE GRAPEFRUIT???

I was bartending and a man asked me “how much extra would it be for titty milk” when I was making a beverage with cream in it. I genuinely think he believed women can just shoot milk out their boobs whenever they feel like it. I want him to keep believing that.

And yes. This man said “titty milk.” I hate it so much.

Also. A town I live adjacent to got hit really hard by a tornado. Tonight there was an event during which I got to Fountains of Wayne, Charlie Berens, AND Tony Shalouhb. @fountofwayne.bsky.social @charlieberens.bsky.social @greenbaypackers.bsky.social

In the year of our lord, 2026, I’m watching”Riverdale”for the first time. I’m two episodes in and I’m OBSESSED. It’s so dramatic. Like a soap opera that’s trynna be spooky. It reminds me of Twin Peaks and I’m here for it.

20 Sept

Watched the Packer game (GO PACK!) and if you’ve never been in a Wisconsin bar and were wondering what it’s like I just had a 20 minute conversation about whether 2 people could rub buttholes together. And that’s a standard post-game Sunday. #wisconsin

@mattoswaltva.bsky.social

19 Sept

It hits different when you leave those kind of comments on FB.

crappystuffforjerks reposted

andy™

@andylevy.net

14 June

never forget

Matt Ufford@mattufford.bsky.social

lol the Knicks lost one game in the last 8 weeks of the playoffs and it was the Trump game

crappystuffforjerks reposted

Matt Oswalt

NBA is rigged! when Spurs had 29 point lead the game should have been immediately stopped and Spurs declared winner. Instead officials decides to play "4th quarter?" and Knicks "somehow" score enough baskets to win. Fraud!

HOLY FUCKING SHIT

Live footage of Wemby in action. #Finals

Alright let’s see if the Knicks can knock this one out.

6 June

I’M LOSING IT

4 June

I can’t breathe let’s go KNICKS

4 June

HOLY SHIT

4 June

This is why I wanted them to play Oklahoma.

The Knicks are in the playoffs for the first time since 1999 tomorrow. It’s basically Christmas Eve over here.

Apocalypse now.

My dad has dementia. This isn’t new for me so I’m not going to be all sentimental about it right now. But it’s a necessary backstory. I was on the phone with my sister tonight and I mentioned that I have 2 people I’ve asked to take me out if it ever comes to that (1/ however many it takes)

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Anyway I told her if it made her feel better we could put heroin on my “KICK the bucket list” and she legit said “I think that’s where we end it for the night.” I love her so much. 🤣

I AM the chaos in my head. (What’s with the inconsistent parenthetical use? The telling of that was WEIRD and disjointed. This banana pudding is INCREDIBLE. Good work bringing up euthanasia on a Tuesday.) All of THAT? It’s what makes me. If it goes away, so do I.

And I told her if they both fail me imma need her to do it. And I was like “I’ve never done heroin… get enough to end me and make it look like I did it.” Because if it came to that? If I disappeared completely? If I COULD I absolutely would. (2/ idk. Imagine knowing where a thought will end.)

[we could have an entire aside about how we euthanize a pet that we love because we know they’re suffering and it’s the right thing to do. How it’s LOVE that does that. How a person- being of sound mind- should be able to ask for that same kindness. But we won’t! On to the point!] 3/infinity

Look on my works, ye mighty, and despair.

This banana pudding is gonna turn this year around, I can feel it.

23 May

Put the lime in the coconut.

Aaron Rupar@atrupar.com

Trump: "He's a dumb person! D-U-M. Not the B. Most people don't know it has a B."

23 May

Also I swear he just did this with whole milk the other day. “That’s whole. With a w.” You think we can get the whole alphabet or what? Lmao.

22 May

Again.

crappystuffforjerks@somecleverthing.bsky.social

The Knicks fan in me doesn’t want to hope. But holy shit. #nyknicks

22 May

My Knicks heart can’t take it.

7 May

My life is legitimately the most stressful it has ever been but I think I’m doing pretty ok at pretending that everything is fine. Right? RIGHT?? JUST PLAY ALONG I NEED THIS.

7 May

I’m so excited about the Knicks and I’m not going to apologize for it (that’s clearly a lie. I’m apologizing.)

7 May

The Knicks fan in me doesn’t want to hope. But holy shit. #nyknicks

In the event you think I’m exaggerating. Don’t mind my face.

crappystuffforjerks@somecleverthing.bsky.social

So a friend of mine asked me to go to a concert with him. (Floor seats. Maybe 16 rows back. Not that it matters but I’m telling you anyway.) I didn’t know who we were seeing. (I’m here and I still don’t). But friends. I can’t stop laughing.

I’m out here in my usual corduroy bibs and LITERALLY everyone else is in jeans and a black shirt. To the point that the people working have pointed it out. They keep saying “you look great though.” I cannot.

THIS IS THE MOST FUN IVE SEEN A DRUMMER HAVE IN A LONG TIME.

18 Apr

I saw the end of a rainbow for the first time in my life today. It terminated on the lake. I didn’t take a picture because it was legitimately the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen, and being there was the only option.

crappystuffforjerks reposted

Sky Marchini

@sky.skymarchini.net

3 Apr

why is pete hegseth always Visibly Moist

David Dixon@dixondaver.bsky.social

This motherfucker never met a stupid idea he didn't love:

3 Apr

The Lakers just got STOMPED. holy shit.

3 Apr

They were on like a 9 win streak. Unreal.

1 Apr

I’ve been going through it and subsequently haven’t been in public for a minute. This former coworker who I just don’t like (rare for me, ok? I try. With everyone. Can’t with her). Anyway. She went “oh! It’s Rebecca!” And I didn’t even think. I just said “404 Rebecca not found.”

crappystuffforjerks reposted

Ron Sequitur ꙮ

@ronsequitur.bsky.social

17 Mar

Game designers are really like, "The best way to get gamers to download our game is to force them to watch an ad for our game for 30 seconds, during which time a timer will count down toward 0, only at 0, a new ad for our game opens, and they can click away from that, but it just takes them to anoth

15 Mar

Wisconsin is great.

13 Mar

LET’S GO BADGERS.