Tamper Proof Lid

Every night I get in bed and assume this position until my wife hits me with a rolled up newspaper

It feels like this is a must-win game for the Tampa Bay Devil Rays

Lickum’ Park

Chipmunks really cooked with storing food in their cheeks

The Conspicuously Absent Homie

Calling my desk at work an “Ethnic Enclave”

Remember when everyone was mad cause Janet Jackson had boobs?

Bustinio Carlova

A peaks and troughs type mf

Nothing else to do there

Lmfao Handel standing on top of a harpsichord going “HEYYYYYYYY BROTHERRRR”

Imagining opinions historical figures would have had that would have been no’s for me.

Dragon Ball DeeZ Nutz

‘Urban legend’ is such a funny term. Before lies about razor blades in apples, “cities” had no culture, see ,

Forwarding a coworker’s emails to the whole company and deleting the extant text and replacing it so they all say “It’s time to go Dragon Ball Z onna bitch “

Your honor, they asked me - a married man - to buy them a cup of coffee

Texting my wife a picture of the withholding section on a paystub that says ‘Married’ with the caption “Nice 😎”

‘Cantalope’? Why not? You can get married however you two want. Don’t let anyone hem you in,

Jay Z selects self to shit at toilet

October. Wow. The eight month of the year. The Ancient Romans were so brilliant. And their month names really bear that out. You got the seventh month, September. The eight month, October. The ninth, November. The tenth, December. It’s important to worship those freaks who got it all right so long a

Would have easily out-posted any viking

Romulus and Rhesus

‘Translatable Skills’? Well for one, I dress well

Phrase "beaked up shorties" has been prowling around the ol' brainpan for a while now. Feels like it's destined to be something I respond to a basic question with before realising the inappropriateness of the answer in context

Inventing erotic stretching routines at my desk. I have a thoroughly captivated gallery. HR have put out a wet floor sign, but taken no further action.

Paying $48 to see the new dumbass steben king movie and loudly shouting “Fuck this steben king-ass shit” over and over until someone drowns me with a commemorative $17 soda cup 🥤

Somebody should slap steben king dumb ass for coming up with some dumb shit like ‘It’ the fuck

You simply must laugh

People don’t fuckint know Shit