Your most loyal and bloodthirsty mufo

Soft-launching my conspiracy theory that all of history’s greatest geniuses actually had access to AI on LinkedIn

@fluddle.bsky.social @cornsilk.bsky.social I’m in the market for a new Anki deck. Any recs for trees, birds, plants, scout/outdoorsman knowledge, things of this nature?

Ball is wife

Pussy got me Chinese(?)

I’m laying on my back throwing a ball in the air to myself, my 2yo walks up and says “are you playing garf?” I ask what’s garf and he says “the name of soccer”

First, they butt mogged the zoomers, and I said nothing

This covers my opinion of AI math

Oh man, that beer went straight to my balls

Basketball should be played in 8 inches of water

If you're frustrated, try clenching your teeth for several hours

As midnight tolls my 30th birthday, an invisible force takes hold of me, forcing out the words “Metamucil is fye!” whereupon I immediately fall asleep

Beautiful enby name: Linoleum Uncrustable

I simply believe that even looking at moving images of our enemies contributes to the profound degradation of our inner lives

Whenever an egg rolls slightly too close to the edge of the kitchen counter I scream and immediately lose consciousness

(nods approvingly at you wasting food) the next Hitler could have eaten that

Big round glasses are traditional Latina garb

PODCAST HOST: the blood from the crime scene was found to actually be from the murder victim PODCAST CO-HOST: wait… the murder victim… died? with blood PODCAST HOST: i know—i was thinking the same thing. but then i read in the report that they died from the blood not being in the body anymore

i think about this post all the time. you might too

The only honorable way out of all this is to live a long, fulfilling life

@pfrazee.com two requests: 1. Let me remove followers 2. When I block someone, let me save a screenshot alongside it so I can later recall why I blocked Please and thank you

(standing over my infant son sleeping peacefully in his crib) there will come a time when it will seem to be funny to you to pretend to like something that you know to be bad. You must not do it

Millennials invented bro (vocative) Zoomers invented bro (subjective) Gen Alpha invented bro (objective)

Boku no Jiggly Jubbly Wubbly Boing-Boing

My enemies are amassing on the outskirts of town. Probably to apologise for their grievous misconduct

Over a year of “bouncing on it”‘s iron grip over the American mind and RFK Jr still has nothing to say about it smdh

W’s flow effortlessly to me My W’s greatly exceed my L’s I am open to W’s W’s seek me out I am in control of W’s and have as many as I want

Happy 25 years of 9/11. Here’s to 25 more!

My ingenious purchases 

You guys have got me real close to googling “ed sheeran”, real close! but I still won’t do it

Just coined the phrase “I yucky with that” (meaning I fuck with that). Clearly a banger, but young people don’t know about it yet. How to spread the good word…