mizer

One of the few times I got scolded in school when I didn’t deserve it was the day after dog racing and betting were banned in Massachusetts. The teacher came in excited about it and I said, “Awww, man, now The Simpsons won’t make sense.”

the local apples were off the hook this season. the stuff that doesn't have to ship long distances is exponentially better, regardless of type.

A lot of wisdom on this chart

@jamesspader14.bsky.social what would take for Boston Legal to come back? I'll swing by the set if that sweetens the deal

How it feels to piss with a window open

me: i made a blood box thing Rupert Murdoch: you’re doing a Theranos? hOw OrIgInAl me: no, it’s a golem. you really should give me a billion dollars

should the chains of propriety be sundered from me by circumstance, only the intercession of Saint Jude could save the receivers of my emails

Day 1 of language instruction should be a list of false cognates in that language, ranked from party-silencing faux pas to harmless oopsie. What do you mean the word Gift in German is poison?

Unfortunately your paper falls outside the scope of the Journal of the American Academy of Religion. Your thesis connecting the First Great Awakening to critiques invoking “Surf Dracula” along with overreliance on Bellarmine and “CinemaSins” in the footnotes made the paper unsuitable for publication

In all my years, I have not seen a ratio as clean as this one

it's cool how many careers are locked behing college when every college is giving your information to ICE and considering putting a sniper rifle aimed at your head when you cross the quad

garbage website, garbage country

Massive pickup for the squad

For some reason, publishers aren’t lining up in droves, or at all, for my pitch of a spiritual sequel to "A Million Little Pieces."

My song “Choosin’ Massachusetts” has not broken into the Billboard Top 100. Maybe people are not ready for a song about nuisance crew cuts.

It is smart to take the one marshmallow now because scientists are tricksters

It’s only a world war if there are hostilities in the Bourgogne-Franche-Comté region of France otherwise it is a sparked global conflict.

CVS is trying real hard to appeal to myself and my fellow gigachads. They got this deal going for when you get two vaccines, they give you a coupon for 5 bucks off any purchase. Absolute rubes! I didn't need the coupon, I would have gotten vaccinated anyway.

going insane because you traveled interdimensionally or met aliens or met god is understandable. but going insane because you used a computer chat program is just embarrassing

First Millennial VP: Give us another year. Jim and Pam's romance wasn't built in a day, it took three years.

“Hey Ton’, what’s an oubliette” “Forget about it.” “Okay boss”

The edition I have of iRobot has the Three Laws of Robotics written right there on the first page. Just slap those puppies into the AIs and we'll be good. They seem pretty airtight. For what it is worth, that is all I read of that book.

ROBERTCAROHEADS, I’M ASKING YOU TO STAND BACK AND STAND BY

I always add one too many nas to Anna Kareninana

Weekend reading: why it’s time to focus on food and why edible perennials are such a vital part of that www.wildway.info/p/is-it-time...

Every day, I hope for my Umbrella Man moment - making some obscure political point, only for the prestige to happen nearly a decade and a half later in front of Congress, leaving a paltry number of commentators entirely nonplussed by the affair. Oh and I hope they bring back the Minions® Frosty®.

Feel like we've all memory-holed the word forgot