Marloween

A horror movie where the Mom does everything around the house, and at the end the husband wasn't a ghost the whole time.

Steven: “Good evening” Stephen: “Good ephening”

Waxing Gibbous is my stripper name.

Her: Your selfies look AI-generated. Me: How can you say that? *gestures angrily with foot-hand*

Coworker: The meatloaf is better today than the first time I got it. Me: Try it tomorrow to find out if two out of three ain’t bad. Coworker: Sometimes I hate sitting next to you.

finally rewound my Blockbuster videos then learned some startling news

There may be no escape, but then again, the cage is imaginary.

A common phobia is to be scared of heights but I'm scared of lengths. Some things are just too far away. How did they even get over there?

Them: Would you like some tea? How do you take it? Me: Orally. Dare I ask how you take it?

I just checked and the latest polling says "POLLING DOESN'T MEAN SHIT -- YOU HAVE TO ACTUALLY VOTE" and that has a margin of error of 0%.

Be the rizz you wish to see in the world

People who say you can’t buy happiness: Can you not see this large order of fries?

Sometimes I feel weird about having a maid, like I'm too good to do any of that stuff myself. I dunno, maybe I'll ask my butler what he thinks.

Probably the most difficult part of being a birthing partner is finding the right moment to ask for the WiFi password.

My freak flag features a goat rampant on a field of broken dreams.

ME: I got kicked off the jury at uncle Alan’s trial. MY MOM: It’s probably because you know him. ME: [wearing my t-rex costume] Probably.

me: do you suppose it feels better for the sock when you put it on or when you take it off? my pharmacist: I meant do you have any questions about this prescription?

Technically, a dictionary is a book of spells.

She was thrilling, like a fall down the stairs.

I’m the Icarus of getting too high for my own good.

My son asked me if Harrison Ford was a president or the guy who made cars so I threw my light saber at him

COP: You got any gang tats? ME: [showing him my one of Mickey Mouse] It’s more of a club.

And then her mood ring just…exploded.

Why is “rest in peace” exclusively reserved for dead people? Pretty sure everyone alive would be thrilled with some peaceful rest.

Roses are red Pumpkins are orange Poems are stupid

She was attractive, like an industrial magnet in a scrap metal yard.

Just got kicked off an airplane because the baby in the seat beside me complained I was crying too loudly

this used record store I'm in has an uncomfortable amount of Fleetwood Mac albums

Find a hand-written note and post an image of it.