Dan Telfer

Thank you @samanthabeart.bsky.social for the making @darkestwhimsy.com sound badass by association! Come watch them on our show, y’all!

Pancake is playing Baldur’s Gate rn twitch.tv/TelferDan

Meta’s mascot Muse has his name come up in the Epstein Files 1,427 times

streaming Overwatch with a cat on my chest (it’s her Gotcha Day!) twitch.tv/TelferDan

People keep being like “you’re seriously missing out by not seeing Digger” and I’m like, oh, you mean like how Shelly Miscavige seems to be missing out on things?

it is the weekend let us Baldur’s Gate twitch.tv/TelferDan

It is the golden age of 50+ male actors dyeing their hair jet black, while it is also apparent that they have never had a facial skin care routine in their entire life

You know what doesn’t make me want to do laundry? It’s not so much demand avoidance as it’s that it now costs $10 a load.

Watch Darkest Whimsy’s live premiere with us, and subscribe! youtu.be/YtahtgM7HIQ?...

Remember when they first put video cameras in phones, & people would record standup comics without permission, & the comic would flip out, & people would say, “chill out, it’s good publicity, nothing bad can happen from just putting your work online.” And now there’s “AI comics” doing our jokes.

it’s weird that they let a random gym pervert host SNL

Let’s have them big end-of-Act-2 Baldur’s Gate moments! twitch.tv/TelferDan

reminder: pronouns are only a thing because some people can’t handle the bare minimum, so we dug down to the ultimate bottom level of basic banners to make it easier for you It’s easy to forget pronouns, I get it. BUT if LESS than the BARE MINIMUM makes you straight-up ANGRY, then oh-fucking-well

Oh yeah? I’d like to see AI write a screenplay while ALSO sobbing for 36 hours straight while listening to Ego Death At A Bachelorette Party on repeat and eating 6 entire boxes of Pumpkin Joe-Joe’s 🤷✨🤙

Conservatives: “We’re going to rebrand AI as SUPER intelligence!!” Also Conservatives, 24/7: “Dorp derp doy bloop fart bonk poooop”

If I have ever heard you refer to a part of fruit as “flesh” just a heads up that we are in a life-long blood feud

I just want to stay alive long enough that I can collect the $7,000 in my 401K and pay a free month’s rent

Finishing Overwatch Drives with D.Va chaos 🤙✨ twitch.tv/TelferDan

It feels pretty miserable that the sitting american president is encouraging iran to bomb the city I live in, but let’s not pretend it’s shocking

Streaming Overwatch Drives - starring Ryan Gosling twitch.tv/TelferDan

One way you could support trans and non-binary people is to hire them for work you already know they can do 🙏✨

I wouldn’t say I *enjoyed* interviewing with someone who ghosted me on Hinge two years ago, but I’ve never felt so liberated from the frustrating ambiguity of whether I’ll hear back from them

Mighty bold move making a movie whose plot is “the movie audience versus Mark Zuckerberg” when Zuckerberg has already won and is gloating about how stupid and poor the audience is 🤷🤷🤷 Imagine how bold I would be to say this on THREADS

An advance congratulations and you’re welcome to everyone inviting me to a halloween-related gathering during this next month

Having a tough time making my midterm voting decision. Do I vote for the Democratic candidate who forgot to return their cart at the grocery store once or the Republican candidate who promises to eradicate millions of Americans and use my tax money to bomb schools? Both sides always have issues!

can we call it “28 Years Later: The Bone Zone” yet?

Y’ALL. @jackiekashian.bsky.social is on the new @darkestwhimsy.com! Such a fun, insane episode- which I say as a proudly medicated bonkers person- youtu.be/72YaCDlgYe0?...

“Now that everyone has been laid off and it’s just three of us executives in an empty building the profits are gonna ROLL IN WOOOO CONGRATS SHAREHOLDERS WAIT WHY ARE THE OTHER TWO EXECS TRY TO STAB ME WITH IMPROVISED KNIVES”

I love LA, but I don’t love having a narcissist almost kill me in traffic because they swerved while on a dating app and driving, having them decide it was somehow my fault, and then following me and trying to run me off the road for 20 minutes. The food here is so good, though

All of California hates this smug, lying, transphobic trash bag. It’s really saying something about how low key conservative California can be, that all our other options were a million times worse. Let everyone out of state never stop hearing how bad he is at his job.

It feels like no coincidence that since he eats so horribly, we all predicted he’d die in office from fatal diarrhea, and now he’s rigged it so we all get fatal diarrhea from fresh fruits and vegetables

“It’s just a tool,” they said, smiling, shoving us down onto the rocks, drawing the AI knife, and gutting us like a fish

Great how we replaced all artists with clumsy chatbots instead of inventing useful things like a dry erase marker that works TWICE

he literally made the whole country more poor, and then bribed everyone to let him keep doing it

Oh great, now I have to be jealous of people booked on Comics Unleashed, of all things. Please. I am begging you. Don’t bring back Hee Haw unless I’m in with the booker!

I get it if you mess up my pronouns. They’re tough for some people. It doesn’t make me mad, I can usually shrug it off. BUT: I loudly declared they/them a few years ago, and it’s kinda LITERALLY the LEAST a person can do. Try to at least stop calling me man, guy, etc. I am not these things. 🩷🫡

Thank you for all the birthday wishes, mega-corporations. Though friends may forget, on my deathbed I shall savor your enthusiastic 15% off select items one day a year.

Apparently I have been pronouncing “Nutella” wrong all my life It’s actually pronounced “NEW-data-centers-are-STILL-being-built-EVERY-DAY”

Sure there’s no jobs and strawberries are poison, but my phone FOLDS!

The first step towards becoming a great writer is figuring out how to use the word “defenestrate” in a sentence. The second step is learning to resist defenestrating yourself every time you forget to save your latest draft.

oh you have a blog? a podcast? that's neat. how many of your apprentices are now masters unto themselves, carrying forward the sacred truth of your homebrewed initiative rules?

Joke’s on you: my reply was just Reply Guy bait

maggots for brains is an insane banger