Cornopolous, Robespierre of the City State

Kiss me, I’m full of whimsy and unimaginable sadness.

i always compliment my friend’s achievements by saying ‘you’re going large’ or ‘congrats. extra large, bro’ which is basically a play on the word large. sometimes i’ll say, “wow, that’s largetime, bro,” in where i simply smash together the words large & time to create a new word.

HER: omg are you playing with that damn potato again ME: don’t listen to her Mashleigh she’s just jealous of what we have

(Barney Fife nose sniff of confidence) “my football team, as bad as their offense is, is the only undefeated team left and it’s time to put some respect on their name”

If your party were rigging elections, what is the only thing you’d repeat over and over before you know you’re about to get crushed, but still win?

You’ve got about six days to convert that pile of fentanyl into candy shapes and package it. Get to working

Gotta go pick the car up at the shop. He didn’t tell me the price but maintaining the ham fridge is critical

If any of you want to give me an epidural and ablate this synovial cyst to stop this pain I’d appreciate it.

Last night I told my friend I’m trying not to eat carbs **got drunk, ate 3 carburetor’s

Sneaking a fully grown Saguaro cactus into the movies

This Lyft ride is a thrill a minute! Two wheels in a Prius? Didn’t think it possible. Instant favorite

This rick is hatching…. A rock. And you told me pet rocks weren’t real

I had that dream again where Cote de Pablo is teaching me Spanish and feeding me a single bacon-wrapped fig every time I get the vocabulary correct.

Sweet! I got 20 cents off a gallon! Thanks, Republican Party!

The strongest survive Blind lead the blind

Weirdest hotel ghost ever. The toilet kept flushing itself. I get it, ghost. I get it

I remember when he used to just read me the news.

Me: “that’s too light. It’s off a couple hundred thousand pounds” Rep:” really?” Me:” yeah for sure. Did you do the take offs yourself?” Rep:” I ran that excel sheet through Claude.” Me:”Claude’s wrong.” Rep in ten minutes:” it removed 33 lines of product.”

Do you disavow the Kiss Army?

Do you disavow Up With People?

Omg I’ve never been more proud of any of my children

If I were president I’d shorten the NBA and MLB seasons and somehow the Supreme Court would have my back. Fuck you, owners. Labor is winning

Absolutely radical.

My parents moved us from Minnesota to a Brutalist House we only lived in for a year. The guy that came with us insulted us relentlessly u til we left. Brutal.

I counted everything, forever. Bathroom tiles, ceiling squares, stairs, cones. Everything. I tried to make it stop and when it finally did I panicked wondering if it were cognitive decline. (I’m resting)

Cool I spent 8 days in Phoenix, got home yesterday afternoon and flying out at 6:30. I’d like to stay home for a few days please, although I love what I’m doing.

Daughter just came to visit and get packages. “I ordered the skimpiest gym outfit possible for Shane Gillis. The weird thing is he must watch videos as that fat fuck hasn’t ever visited a single gym”

HOA called to tell me I have 30 days to limit the amount of graphic tees I wear

me: i don’t think i’m getting enough chalk in my diet. my doctor: you shouldn’t have ANY chalk in your diet. me: i feel like i should have some chalk in my diet. my doctor: i’m going to advise you to stop eating chalk. me: hehe, we’ll see.

We wouldn't be in this mess if we had listened to Woody Guthrie.

You had me at terrazzo

Can you give negative stars if your Lyft driver makes a joke about running over a homeless man?

Damnit Biden, you delayed my flight home

He was odd, like a white guy with dreds that doesn’t know anything about music.

Time to fight Have to kill

In walks a dame with legs til Thursday and trouble written all over her face. “How can I help you?” I says. She snaps, “I wanna find the person who wrote on my face.”

Leaving Phoenix after seven days. I love you Arizona, but you’re a dusty bitch

My life Jesus and tequila I'm satisfied And I can't deny it

Ok, grab your kazoos.

ZOOKEEPER: So lions are what we call apex predators ME: *way too loud* And humans are ex ape predators lol ZOOKEEPER: *taking out her tazer* look away kids

How embarrassing that I’m simply trying to call the front desk at the renaissance in Phoenix w a simple question their AI cannot answer so I’e been on hold for 12 minutes. The answer will take approximately four seconds. That’s REAL efficiency