Akai Riot

There's a terrible irony in that if you express that you feel lonely, you're more likely to continue to be lonely -- and that if you already have an active and engaging social and/or love life, you'll have an easier time finding even more people to hang out with or be romantically involved with.

> started watching the NBA (mostly Nuggets) last year via highlights on YouTube > finally decided to bite the bullet and get an NBA streaming subscription > see there's a game live right now, alright fine, let's see what I've been missing! > it's a guy doing handstands with his chihuahua at halftime

...am I allowed to say I kinda enjoyed the Street Fighter movie? Went in with really low expectations, so maybe that helped. Many character choices did not land (I do not like this Bison at all), messy pacing and tone, vapid references that miss the point, dumb CGI, and yet...it was somehow *fun*.

The animated segments were, of course, fucking awesome. I want a whole-ass movie of just that!! Ken and Ryu worked for me. Some of the fights were cool (when they didn't overdo it with CGI, the choreo was often tight and impactful). Guile is literally just Cody Rhodes and yes, I liked that.

It's frustrating that I basically only have two modes of "diet" -- either I eat in a way that feels right/satisfies me and I end up naturally between 270 and 300 pounds, or I count every single calorie like a psycho and starve myself for months and lose the weight but feel like shit the whole time.

And doubly hard to explain is that it's much, much harder to just barely undereat than it is to starve myself. Cutting 200 calories is harder than going sicko mode and eating grilled chicken and mustard. I know that makes no sense, and I don't know why my brain works like that, but it does, lol.

It's frustrating that I basically only have two modes of "diet" -- either I eat in a way that feels right/satisfies me and I end up naturally between 270 and 300 pounds, or I count every single calorie like a psycho and starve myself for months and lose the weight but feel like shit the whole time.

Made a list of 25 albums to start with, and I'll slowly build up my digital library over time. ...honestly, the idea of going back to a small curated collection of music sounds very appealing, instead of the ADHD-brained "lemme listen to 40 different things every hour" way I've been living lately.

My Spotify account spontaneously stopped working today, and it may have radicalized me into getting back into physical media again, lol. Or at the very least, having a robust library of downloaded mp3s. It's super convenient to stream any song I want, any time I want...until suddenly, I can't.

Yesterday was the worst I've felt (mentally) in like 3 or 4 years. It was like all ambition and inner spark had drained out of me again. Everything was a struggle. I kept thinking about how I was doomed to a life of loneliness and suffering. Today I woke up, felt totally fine, been smiling all day.

It's weird how, even when I know for certain with the logical part of my mind that the feelings (or lack of feelings) are just the drugs messing with my brain chemicals, I can't simply will them away. Makes it easier to ride them out, for sure, but they're still *there*.

I really do miss doodling for fun (i.e., not with the intent of producing a shareable piece for Patreon/social media), but my nerve issues kinda preclude that now. I already go overboard on work stuff sometimes and end up wrecked...if I drew after work too, I'd hit a breaking point sooner or later.

> find a reference that works really well for an idea I have, but it's from the wrong angle > open Blender, recreate the pose matching the angle of the reference > move the camera to the angle I wanted

the 3D models in Clip Studio Paint were convenient, but holy shit, learning the basics of Blender is such a step up I can always find the reference I want!! because I can make that shit myself!! hell yeah!!

They increased the dosage on my nerve pain meds, and it's been a very interesting roller coaster. First day, best I've felt in like 3 years. No pain, no brain fog, no muscle spasms. Second day, REALLY BAD. Everything hurt, body and brain. Third day, good. Then bad. Then good, then bad, etc etc

Honestly, while I've been rewatching the original anime, I've been thinking a lot about how dripped the fuck out everybody is, lol Gimme a mix of like 50% Yugi, 40% Joey and 10% Kaiba vibes. Edgy base and accessories, comfy streetwear, and also going way too hard every once in awhile just because.

I find fashion cues challenging, because I grew up in the 90s in rural Iowa and got most of my clothes up through college from garage sales and Walmart. I dunno what anything is supposed to signify, what subculture it's in, what's cool or not cool. I just wanna be edgy and comfy at the same time.