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"Look at him in that tan suit. Now he's eating dijon mustard. Now he's knocking the Cheesecake Factory!" "So uh... about your idol who is a felon, rapist, and scammer. Let's hear about their suit." #GOP #GuardiansOfPedophiles

"Yes. I am typically right. But I also hate it. Because me being right almost assuredly means me also being sad."

Rest in Ayn Rand's shit Greenspan. Anyone know where this mook will be buried? Because if I'm ever in town, I have some economics I need to trickle down on them. #AlanGreenspan

"Oh, some Utah police officers and a judge were caught red-handed being corrupt shitheads? Without looking, I'm going to go ahead and say it's American Fork... ... Yup." Y'all have been so embarrassing for so long it's become predictable. #AmericanFork #Utah

"Esteemed colleagues and guests, may our time together be marked by fruitful discourse, shared insight, and the harmonious pursuit of our common aspirations. I would also offer my apologies in advance as English is not my first language." – Every ESL speaker you encounter on the internet #ESL

The "Cat Distribution System" is a euphemistic title for the fact that people are not spaying or neutering their pets. A cat desperate and finding you would not have happened without someone being a piece of shit first. And y'all *abide* it. That level of ignorance puts you in a close 2nd place.

USA Today Co trying to dodge accountability by trying to duck the Wayback Machine. Yeah. That's going to stop the legion of data-scrapers from tracking what you did. 🙄

Melania Trump is doing nothing else other than poorly-timed damage control with that press conference. There's a story coming. 'Same energy as me saying: "By the way, the connections linking me to a bank robbery with my face in it next Wednesday are unfounded, unethical, and completely false."

Political discussion in the United States is at this point like a conversion over a car that went off the cliff. D: "Maybe they should have applied the brakes." R: "Maybe they should have had a better driver." Me: "My country is on fire and the game is over. Why are you discussing the what-ifs?"

"Take all that money that we spend on weapons and defense each year and instead spend it feeding and clothing and educating the poor of the world, which it would many times over-not one human being excluded-and we could explore space, together, both inner and outer, forever, in peace." – Bill Hicks

"You need to bring the thumb of your right hand– your sword hand– to your rectum and stick it in there to form the Arch of Honours." #DiscoElysium

Does anyone know the address I'm supposed to send my semen sample to for my Discord age verification?

"What would you do if you were stuck in one place and every day was exactly the same, and nothing that you did mattered?" "... That about sums it up for me." #GroundhogDay

I write and speak my dates in ISO 8601 standard and there is nothing anyone can do to stop me. Happy 2026-01-01.

You're hoping for a New Year. Unfortunately, you're about to get 2020: Part 6.

Oh, yes. This is real darkness. It’s not death, or war, or child molestation. Real darkness has love for a face. The first death is in the heart, Harry.

"What's the catch?" "The catch? The catch is you will sever every human contact. Nobody will ever know you exist anywhere— Ever." #bioinformatics

"A big problem in the media landscape is that writers are effectively the gatekeepers of creativity– and they are currently *really bad* at creativity."

You don't have to be the toughest guy in the room. You just have to make sure that person is your friend.

My hobby is calling up companies who send me mailers, pretending that I'm interested until I can get their personal information, and then picking a fight when I know who and where they are, but they don't know who I am. A bitch move? Absolutely. But I love it. Solution: Don't send me junk mail.

"Abandon your foolish quest! All that awaits you is the wrath of my master! You are too late to save the child! Now you'll join him– in Hell." Therapist: "Look, if you want this to go anywhere, you're going to have to at least try to play ball." Me: "Sorry. Gut reaction. Go on." #Diablo

I'm a card-carrying atheist and even I'm over here thinking: "Talk about possibly the shittiest time to lose a world leader that practiced and preached compassion." I hope you make it there, guy. o7 #PopeFrancis

I've flown on an airplane. I am not a pilot. I was a passenger. If someday I happened to fly on a rocket to space? I would not be an astronaut. I would be a passenger.

Ghost 1: "If you don't change your ways, *this* will be you." Ghost 2, who looks exactly like me: "Oh... God! Oh God!! Okay. Okay! I'm sorry! Stop it! Stop this! End this vision, cruel specter!!" Ghost 1: "So be it." *poof* Me: "What the hell? Hey!"

Just out of curiosity, does anyone know who is supposed to cut me my check for protesting yesterday? I keep hearing again and again that we're getting paid and I'm over here waiting...

This is Utah in case anyone’s wondering how pissed off people are. I have never seen anything like this.

You're technically not supposed to be up there. But you're so damned cute I can't kick you off it. #cats #voids #catsofbluesky

You know you've fucked up when you have China, Japan, and South Korea all in the same room nodding in agreement.

I have completely lost the computer to the cat. She's been locked in into YouTube for about 20 minutes. #cats #voids #catsofbluesky

You got "police" see also: Fingermen in masks not willing to ID themselves removing civilians from the street for an op-ed burning the Trump administration. Here it is. Say it with me folks: "First they came for the Communists And I did not speak out Because I was not a Communist..."

Genuine ostrich. Three payments.

A woman that stood by your side for over a decade as you dealt with alcoholism, depression, and the immense stress from a job you poured everything into. After years of misery inflicted by your own hand, she finally works up the courage to leave and in your heart of hearts you know it is your fault.

Moose got her name for a reason. She bunts heads like a truck, and she adores the snow. (Sorry for the wandering frame. I'm using new video-editing software, and I suck at it.) #cats #catsofbluesky #voids

The smartest people I know say "I don't know." and "I was wrong." more than anyone else.

Moose has commandeered the hammock and is *not* giving it up. #Cats #CatsofBluesky #Voids

"But then, on the other hand, I must warn you that when you finally have the pleasure of saying the thing you mean to say at the moment you mean to say it, remorse inevitably follows."

Sunday’s @thetimes.com cartoon times.newsprints.co.uk/morten-morla...

Holy ass, this Hoya Carnosa needs to start paying rent. What do I even do with this thing? It's damn near occupied an entire room. 🤔 #plants

Is anyone else going to be exceedingly upset when they wrap on Kingdom Come: Deliverance 2? I feel like a teenager on the business end of a break-up. "No! It can't be over! What will I do after this!? I'll do anything! Please!" #KCD2

"I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel– –but I am, so that's how it comes out."

"If you had to be any defunct instant messenger's icon in an orgy– which one would you be?" "The ICQ flower." "Damn. Good answer."

I don't really follow hip hop, but I am *pumped* for the entire nation to call Drake a PDF File all together. #SuperBowl #Unity

I try hard to not use people's superficial behaviors as guidance for my own decisions about their personality or integrity. It's a bad, impulsive habit and I'm usually wrong. But– if they're the sort of person who uses the term "4D Chess" in casual conversation– we're probably not friends. 😬

There is a special place in hell for the developers of webpages that intercept Ctrl+F to pull up their own shitty, internal search function when I obviously just want to find a string on the page.

Discussing US politics at this juncture feels like firefighters considering the nuances of Oxygen, Heat, and Fuel whilst standing in front of a of building that is completely engulfed in flames. I mean, you're not wrong. You're just too late.

"Natural Killer Cells? That's the actual, by-the-book name?" "Yup." "That's so fucking metal." Pathology is just dripping with potential band names and everyone is sleeping on it.

It's gonna be cold. It's gonna be grey. And it's gonna last you for the rest of your life.

To "impeach" is not to remove someone from their office. An impeachment is an accusation. We've had presidents who remained in office after their successful impeachment. Andrew Johnson and Bill Clinton. Nixon may have become a third if he didn't resign beforehand. #WordPolice

what are the steps you would only take if push came to shove? and what constitutes a "shove"? and how many shoves have you already gone through without noticing? the final Alt-Right Playbook is now live. it's called The South Bank of the Rubicon. youtu.be/0YFdwfNh5vs