walbart.bsky.social

🖤

Maybe I shouldn’t be here. Maybe it’s me that caused all of this to happen. Maybe I was the one at fault for my violent parents and cheating wife.

My exwife decided that hanging out with kids and partying was more important. She made the decision to cheat. Not only cheat but cheat on me with a 17 kid in high school. It was devastating. All the bad memories I had tucked away came flying back. Was I worthless? What was wrong with me?

I was ok with just me and the kids because, even though my daughter was not quite two and my some was not quite 5, they were so much fun! Also, they were the ones that kept me grounded. But, the partying was wearing on our relationship. Then it happened.

After my second child was born, my ex wife started working at a high school as a dance instructor. This led to her hanging out with high school aged kids. It was really weird. Then she started partying with these kids. Coming home at all times at night. Coming home wasted. It was just me and kids.

All my sisters, growing up tried to kill themselves. None were successful but they tried. I was the only one who didn’t but I constantly found myself fighting the urge just to end it. All the memories and the pain caught up with me at times. Then came along my second child.

I was a store director at this major retailer and had another child on the way. Even though life was moving forward, I found myself, at times, thinking that I was an impostor. I always felt like I was hiding who I was. I was a child of alcoholic and violent parents which was messing me up everyday.

Let’s get back to it. After doing this for a few years, I started dating my first wife. I fixed my life a bit and got a job at a major retailer. Got married, worked my way up and had my first child. I was finding myself successful at my job. We had to move around and finally settled in Iowa.

It was the way of life. Get up, go to work, get high, go to sleep. Wash, rinse and repeat. Everyone did it. Not sure everyone was dealing with what I was dealing with but it was the cycle we were all on and a hard one to break. I also, to be truthful, at the time, didn’t want to stop.

I used as often as I could. I thought it was cool and it hid all the other trauma that I had to deal with. This went on for years. After graduating, I moved to Iowa so I could work. Got a job at a steel mill and started making money. 💴 f course, most of that went in my lungs and up my nose.

Things were actually normal. My mom was not involved in much but she left us alone so I would do what I wanted and when I wanted. Of course, that lead to drug abuse and some alcohol it alcohol really was not a thing for me then. Pot and other harder drugs like meth/cocaine were always better.

The house was not a total loss but we did live in a hotel for about 8 months. Ok, back to the story. With just the theee of us and the house being rebuilt (this was the biggest blessing since it was destroyed from all the violence). It was a new house once they were done.

She was still mean as ever. Quick with a put down and slow to help for any reason. My dad found a job in his home state of Iowa and it was just my mom, sister and I. She fell asleep or drugged herself to sleep by 8 every single night. Oh, I almost forgot. Before my dad moved, our house caught fire.

..you just keep going. Once I got into high school, my mom actually went into counseling. She did stop drinking after a long stint in alcohol rehab. However, she just replaced alcohol with prescription drugs and over the counter sleeping pills. One thing for sure, her mean personality stayed.

Ok, now back to my story after a pause. Crazy after all these years how it impacts a person remembering such events in one’s life. All through grade school and jr high, it was a constant fight every single night and we would be up for hours. I still don’t know how I functioned but as a kid..

I was always good, at least I think I was, good at hiding what was happening. I did my best to go to friends house and avoid them coming over. I acted like everything was fine and my parents were just busy so that’s why you never see them. I still wonder if I actually hid it well.

I always had friends as well. I wonder what they must have thought. I never allowed anyone in my home because it was so destroyed. Friends would come over and I would always stand on the front porch. They had to know shit was messed up but no one asked.

As this went on throughout my youth, I struggled in school. My parents never cared about how I was doing so I didn’t ever try. I did enough to pass but that was about it. I did excel at sports and that was my getaway. I played a lot of soccer so I could stay out of the house.

I have to apologize. As I go through this and out it down, I will jump around a little as things pop into my memory. I spent so many years just suppressing, that when I do think about all of it, it comes back in chunks and not always following a timeline.

He was not a violent person towards us except once he dragged my sister across the living room. He was always violent towards my mom when they had fights. They pushed, slapped, yelled and pulled hair. Sometimes against walls, doors and whatever else was there.

I had a very complicated relationship with my father. As I got older and I had a child of my own, I realized that he made the decision to leave us in a terrible situation and didn’t care that much of what we were going through. It took me years to sort the whys behind his decisions.

…fir her. Fought with her and just kept providing the means for my mom to be an alcoholic. For a long time, I thought he was a victim as well but as I got older, I realized he was a huge part of the problem..

…other adults that I encountered in my youth. Just a constant looking of the other way. As I said before, this violence and heavy drinking by my mother and the engaging of it all by my day went on for years. He was just as bad. He wasn’t violent towards us but brought home whiskey every night..

..I remember one time in 7th grade I wrote a piece ‘em about being alone and how nobody cared and my teacher called me up to her desk and asked if I actually felt this way, when I said yes, she just looked at me and said I could return to my seat. She never brought it up again. Just like so many..

…once they left, we only had about an hour to get to get ready for school and that is what we did. Through all those nights, we (I) always got up for school. I didn’t have a single teacher or school counselor ask any questions. I came to school with no ability to stay awake, much less focus to work.

…my sister and I (the one who helped hide my dad under the bed) begged the police to take her away and they just said, they really don’t do those things. Now, this was the late 70s into the early 80s and cops just left those situations alone no matter how bad they were. Even with two kids crying..

Ok, now back to my story. Yes, the police came that night. The first thing they asked my dad, “have you two been fighting?”. Hmmm, let’s see, bruises on both my dad and mom and a huge kitchen knife laying in the grass in the front yard. What was the first clue? Yes, they have been fighting…

Ok, all for now. I will continue later.

….then we heard it. A knife scrapping the indie from outside. There was my mom, topless with a huge kitchen knife scrapping the knife across the window screaming, where is your father. This would be the first of a few police visits to the house..

…he said to us, she has a knife and you need to hide me. He slid under the bunk bed and we went to our positions of holding the door. She came to the door and was screaming at us to let her in as the knife was scrapping the door and popping through the holes. After a bit she walked away…

When she couldn’t get the door down, she grabbed a matt and started to break though it just like in the shinning but not with an ax. After a few nights, the door had large holes through it. However, it did keep her out. One night, our dad came running to the door and asked us to come in…

..room enough times that she broke the door off the hinges. It just was propped up and knocked over every single night. My sister, had her own escape. She went to her friends house every night so when my mom barged into, it was an empty room. This made her come after us much harder.

We got really good at falling asleep while holding the board and only waking up to push against it to keep her out. During my 5th grade my oldest sister moved to my grandmas house in Iowa. She escaped and never looked back. So, it was down to me my two older sisters. She barged into my sisters..

She had a bunkbed that my dad made for them during much better times. To slow my mom down from coming in every night, we broke off a railing of the bunk bed and used it to prop up against the door as a stopper. We had to hold it in place to keep her out. This was every single night.

Every single night from 5th grade to 7th grade my parents would fight. This evolved into my mother breaking into our rooms to yall, scream and hit us for being a burden to her. During 5th grade, to protect ourselves, my sister, who is only 1 year older than me, slept in the same room every night.

However, I did realize it was more about keeping up the appearance of a normal family life as my sisters and dealt with violence every night. Just to wrap your head around what I am talking about..

Ok, not back to it. My childhood was a violent mess with drunk parents or really did everything for themselves. It has taken me a long time to figure this out. With all the mess at home, they still took me to every soccer/baseball game and practice which at the time, I thought it was for me.

Ok, more at a later time.

..standing between them would get them to stop but you risked being part of the fight. My mom liked to hit us with hair brushes and wooden spoons but not really with her hands. She was a petit woman who probably thought she didn’t have the strength but I can tell you, when drunk, very strong…

…else. Looking back on it, she seemed to enjoy being mean. My parents, when drunk, which was every single night, were very violent with each other. Fights every single night and violent fights at that. We would take turns (I had three older sisters) begging them to stop. If you dared..

However, things started to take a drastic turn for the worse when I was around 6/7. Both my parents were alcoholics (both are dead today). My mom, she was not only an alcoholic but a violent alcoholic. My mom was also just naturally a mean person. She spent more time putting you down than anything….

I grew up in Texas after moving there when I was 5. This was via California/Arkansas. I don’t remember too much of Arkansas besides it being extremely racially divided town. My memories really start in Texas. My childhood started out like all little kids, play, play, play..

I have come to the conclusion that, in my own mental awareness journey, that I need to get out of my mind and onto something else. I was going to write all of this down on paper and I do have a journal however, that is for the most recent events in my life. For now, let’s just start…

I’m not going to hail Barrett and Roberts for allowing us to count our votes. It’s a huge win for democracy, but it shouldn’t have even been a question. That we were one vote away from disenfranchising votes is all the more reason to expand the court in 2029.

🚨#Inflation hit 4.2% in May, a three year high. Dont buy the bullshit Republicans are selling. This is the second year they have had a Majority in Congress & they are doing nothing to fix this. The only thing they are doing is pardoning criminals & enriching their donors while you foot the bill.

Elon Musk basically accused Trump of being a pedophile and then got dinner with him again a few months later. Joe Rogan acted shocked and dismayed about ICE and Iran and now he’s standing behind Trump in the Oval Office. These guys only care about holding onto power through any means necessary

History shows this is what dictatorships do. They sow distrust in the very institutions that the public trusts and makes it us vs them. It is an old playbook that the Trump administration is using. Mainstream media eats this up for sound bites instead of doing the work to tie it all together.

MAGA must be proud. Now, let’s see if how Christian MAGA is with Trump portraying Jesus. My guess is that speaker Johnson hasn’t seen it?