Stangle’s Kid

The barista who served me at Starbucks just now was named Teairstayn and it was embroidered on their apron so I don’t think it was a joke and I’m scared you guys

Last night my Lyft driver told me about how she had almost died from sepsis a few weeks earlier and still had her PICC line in but has to be out driving because of course she now needs a ton of money to pay her hospital bills

My brief time in Canada summed up in 2 photos

Or indeed at all, historically speaking

I’ve been forbidden from buying the most incredible horse painting ever made

I’d love to have a talk with whatever product designer at Philips Sonicare decided that my toothbrush charger should be a USB and not a regular plug because why the fuck would I have a USB port in my bathroom??

what if we kissed at the dan quayle museum

What do we think ET would taste like I feel like it wouldn’t be good

IS ANYONE ELSE ABOUT TO LOSE THEIR MINDS OVER THE NUMBER OF SPAM CALLS AND TEXTS THEY ARE GETTING EVERY DAY BECAUSE

whenever trump's DOJ has to go in front of a judge to get yelled at, every lawyer on here is like "omg i've NEVER seen a judge this mad, if a judge yelled at me like this i'd immediately commit seppeku," and then at the end of the hearing the judge is like "ok no sanctions just don't do it again"

I’m going to be out of the country for Election Day and part of me is starting to think gee I hope getting back won’t be an issue lol what a time to be alive

He just like me fr

My mom told me last week she was getting a sinus infection (she gets them a lot) but today she texted me and goes “wow I’m so tired, and I don’t ever remember having a fever with a sinus infection before!” If anyone needs me I’ll be staring directly into the camera, Office-style

Yes…haha! Yes!

The douche vibes were so strong I literally made a u-turn to take this pic

Today in “they don’t make stuff like they used to”: meet my grandmother’s hand mixer. This thing is older than me by decades and probably a fire hazard but it could blend up a dead body in 15 minutes. I have no doubt it will outlive me.

Listen I know Lioness is pro America imperialist propaganda but goddammit it’s so good

Did my first real leg day at the gym this weekend since taking off my cast and I don’t think I will ever walk normally again

Phoebe has perfected the art of the Menacing Hover

*sicko voice* yes…haha! Yes!

Computer: zoom,,, enhance

I refuse to be scared of these people fully taking over the world because all we would have to do is drop them off 3 miles from their house with no phone and we’d never hear from them again

Celebrating 1 year of Phoebe with her most iconic poses

If there is one thing I believe down to my very bones, it’s that Mitch McConnell is dead. Maybe they’re pumping him full of some top secret military shit that’s keeping his body upright but that is a whole ass corpse rolling around the senate

Holy shit, literally no one liked this

In case I needed further proof that Phoebe is evil, I just found her sitting on my laptop and she’d managed to somehow open excel and do this

Otis gonna look cunty asf

Ed Sheeran saying "I'm in love with the shape of you" while looking at a map of Greater Israel

Emma D’Arcy notice me

Screaming, crying, throwing up, etc.

Just reminded Mike that I don’t really eat hot dogs with buns and he was floored like damn, can’t a girl have a little disordered eating, as a treat

idk guys maybe think about phrasing next time

these mfers

If I were scared of my computer I would simply turn it off

i’ve been solving a lot of problems lately with my calculator like 5 + 8 and 12 x 3. but now i’m starting to think it’s alive

DAVE: Let me share a link to this folder, HAL. HAL: I'm sorry, Dave. You don't have permission to share this item. Add the person you'd like to share with and we'll send a request to be approved first.

Ok Abercrombie I wasn’t aware of your game #ally 🏳️‍⚧️