Setsune Wave

Had a little panic attack last night. Hadn't seen her around for days. Kept expecting her to show last night but she never did. Once we finished watching we realized a bunch of people were at respawn up some stairs. Without thinking I charged up them, until I was unexpectedly staring right at her.

Navigating this has been hell. It'd be easier if I had clearer boundaries and understanding if a *future* friendship is even a possibility, or if I need to walk on eggshells around her from now until forever. But I believe if I approach her to ask about those boundaries, it's likely to backfire.

Had a little panic attack last night. Hadn't seen her around for days. Kept expecting her to show last night but she never did. Once we finished watching we realized a bunch of people were at respawn up some stairs. Without thinking I charged up them, until I was unexpectedly staring right at her.

I had a lot of fears run through my head all at once and so I sat there, mute and frozen. The panic was snowballing pretty bad for a bit, but I got it under control. Eventually I shrunk down and slid over to a side of the group. Then it became Operation Be Fucking Normal About Things.

Had a little panic attack last night. Hadn't seen her around for days. Kept expecting her to show last night but she never did. Once we finished watching we realized a bunch of people were at respawn up some stairs. Without thinking I charged up them, until I was unexpectedly staring right at her.

By the way, I don't say this to ignore people being kind here, or old friends. It's just a different thing. I've spent a lot of my life before this interacting with people passively, like on social networks like this, or rarely feeling like I was really part of the group. I missed this part of life.

I was doing really well yesterday. Attended a great community event, chatted with friends, unintentionally got them to watch My Adventures with Superman, we joined another group watching Ernest, I got to bop in a club for a little bit and was even kindly invited to another movie I had to bow out of.

And... my brain saw I was having too much of a good time and cranked the "Fuck Her Up" dial. It dreamed a conversation that came at things from this angle I hadn't considered before. It wrecked me. ...I can't even unpack it fully because it was a fading dream and I woke up in a muddled haze.

I was doing really well yesterday. Attended a great community event, chatted with friends, unintentionally got them to watch My Adventures with Superman, we joined another group watching Ernest, I got to bop in a club for a little bit and was even kindly invited to another movie I had to bow out of.

Didn't really watch YouTube for a few weeks, but when I did check in it seemed rather dry. Took me a while to realize how much of my subscriber feed it was straight up ignoring. People I've consistently watched dozens, *hundreds* of videos from. All because I skipped a week or two.

Nearly skipped the hangout last night. I missed most of it, and many familiar faces weren't there, instead on Orange in an event I couldn't see, around the time... she likes to run a weekly event. So brain wasn't doing nice things. ⛈️ But I'm glad I went to hangout. I did see some and talked, a lot.

It really was good to hang out with them, a mellow, thoughtful night in a lot of ways. One friend even mentioned they were really glad I showed up as a familiar face, which made it worth it, and two others in particular have been really there for me recently, which I appreciate so much.