Crustfundbabies

I think to myself as I slowly survey the room "My genius is lost on these fools." *empty silence...cat meows in background, fishtank humms*

Culture is chock full of gods and ghosts, language the drift of the spirit away from the meat and bones of its origin.

[dabbing perfume on my neck] This could be the night when the Abyss gazes back into me.

After an intense examination of the premises I found my missing cup of coffee in the shower.

When people take more than 3 seconds to hang up after saying Ok Bye I’m like

If you’re not coming with that, “Let’s drink Cabernet until our lips turn purple” energy, you should definitely ring the New Year in with someone else.

Hear me out: The Gronkch

“I’d like to add you to my professional network on LinkedIn”

Thinking I’m going to get fired for being sassy and snarky in an email, then realizing I actually just sound matter-of-fact, logical, and polite after reading it again is top Virgo behavior.

I'm not a hermit because I don't understand people, I'm a hermit because I do

My ears feel like they spontaneously spurt blood every time I click on a review video someone turned into ASMR. I hate them SO much. They make me want to bash my head against a wall and rip the remaining fragments of my brain out of my skull.

THIS NIGHTMARE WILL BE IN FULL COLOR

Raising Arizona.

Someone mispronounced 'gamut' on a podcast I was listening to the other day and I'm still mad about it

My neutered cat has a new nickname (Horn Dawg) and a new girlfriend (super fluffy blanket) I sit here giggling at my little Lothario and his discovery of this newfound and pointless pleasure.

Next Halloween I'm handing out Zippo lighters.

“omg gloves made out of paper towels” -me, stoned and eating chicken wings

Terry: 🖤🤍 📸unknown.

it’s the inner Cheech in me that sees the inner Chong in you

Stop hating on lazy people. We didn't even do anything.

The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.

[Trying to sleep] Brain: Brain: Brain: Brain: Brain: Brain: ᶜᵃˡˡ ʲᵍ ᵂᵉⁿᵗʷᵒʳᵗʰ ⁸⁷⁷ ᶜᵃˢʰ ⁿᵒʷ

No one: Teenage boys walking out the barbers:

I liked your ambiguously worded post because I know exactly what you’re talking about (there is an 80% chance I am wrong).

Airport workers know that behind every brand new car wrapped with a HUGE red bow in the parking lot at Christmas, there’s a cheating spouse just begging for forgiveness.

legitimately

How the Grinch Got His Groove Back

SKULL OF THOMAS AQUINAS: TAKE A LEFT NOW PRIEST: No, the GPS says we have to keep going— SKULL: I KNOW A SHORTCUT PRIEST: Do you remember the last ti— SKULL: FOR THOSE WITH FAITH, NO EVIDENCE IS NECESSARY; FOR THOSE WITHOUT IT, NO EVIDENCE WILL SUFFICE

Slay the dragon? Nah Baby gorl, Dragon gonna Slay!

Is it a guilty pleasure for someone who’s 5’2” to have a new obsession for watching videos of taller people struggling to jump on & off their new extra-tall platform beds they added both a box spring and mattress to? Because my tiny lil’ cackling ass doesn’t feel guilty at all. Welcome to our world

Share a Witch with good style. 🧙‍♀️👗

I’ve worked in public libraries for 20 years, today was the first time we’ve had to tell someone they couldn’t bring their chainsaw in the library.

Share a witch with good style 🧙🏻‍♀️