OLD TELEGRAM

TO: THOMAS DANEHY MAYOR CAMBRIDGE MASS THE CAHS ARE NO LONGER BAHD FROM THE YAHD STOP DEREK BOK PRESIDENT OF HARVARD #HARVARD

TO: CARLY SIMON YOU DREAMED ABOUT CLOUDY COFFEE STOP BORING STOP THIS IS WHY WE BROKE UP STOP I NEEDED SOMEONE BETTER STOP WARREN BEATTY #MUSICSKY #MUSIC

TO: AXL ROSE GORILLAS INTERPRET GETTING ON ONES KNEES TO BE A SIGN OF AGGRESSION STOP JANE GOODALL #MUSICSKY #ACADEMICSKY

TO: LAWRENCE WELK STOP FRANK ZAPPA #MUSICSKY

TO: JOAO GILBERTO IT WOULD BE PRETTY ANNOYING TO HAVE EVERYONE SAY AH ANY TIME YOU WENT ANYWHERE STOP STAN GETZ #MUSICSKY

TO: STEVEN LISBERGER GIVE ME ENOUGH PEYOTE AND YOU WONT NEED ANY SPECIAL EFFECTS TO GET ME INSIDE A COMPUTER MAN STOP JEFF BRIDGES #TRON

TO: P D EASTMAN I HATE TO BE THE ONE TO TELL YOU THIS BUT YOUR MOTHER WAS MADE OF BARE WIRE AND COVERED WITH A CLOTH TOWEL STOP HARRY HARLOW #ACADEMICSKY #BOOKSKY

TO: LOUIS WAIN SIR STOP WE CONTRACTED YOU TO ILLUSTRATE THE BIBLE STOP JESUS WAS NOT A CAT STOP GEORGE BRETT JR MACMILLAN PUBLISHING #CATURDAY

TO: KURT LODER BREAKING NEWS STOP MC SKAT KAT DEAD AT 27 STOP TABITHA SOREN #MUSICSKY

TO: STEVE MILLER WHAT THE HELL IS A POMPATUS STOP BOZ SCAGGS #MUSICSKY

TO: SAMUEL BECKETT I DONT GET IT STOP JEAN PAUL SARTRE #BOOKSKY

TO: LAURA BRIDGMAN ITS NOT THAT I REGRET TEACHING HER BUT MY GOODNESS DOES SHE SWEAR LIKE A SAILOR STOP ANNIE SULLIVAN #HISTORYSKY

TO: BILLY SMITH WHOS CRAZY NOW BITCH STOP EDWIN DRAKE #HISTORYSKY

TO: HARPER LEE EVERY TIME I READ THE WORD BOO I SCREAM STOP CAN YOU CHANGE THE NAME STOP TAY HOHOFF J B LIPPINCOTT AND CO #BOOKSKY

TO: ROBERT ZUBRIN DONT TELL ANYONE BUT I THINK NEPTUNE IS STUPID AND IM TIRED OF IT STOP CARL SAGAN #ACADEMICSKY

TO: ARLINE GREENBAUM GOT BORED WITH PICKING LOCKS STOP NOW PLANNING THE PERFECT MURDER STOP RICHARD FEYNMAN #ACADEMICSKY #HISTORYSKY

TO: RICHARD DONNER CHRISTOPHER REEVE STOP THE GUY FROM THAT SOAP OPERA STOP ARE YOU MESSING WITH ME NOW STOP ALEXANDER SALKIND #SUPERMAN

TO: WILLIAM HANNA AND JOSEPH BARBERA WHEN PEOPLE THINK LONE RANGER THEY THINK CLAYTON MOORE STOP WHEN PEOPLE THINK SHERLOCK HOLMES THEY THINK BASIL RATHBONE STOP WHEN PEOPLE THINK BATMAN THEY THINK ADAM WEST STOP WHEN WILL IT BE DANNYS TURN I ASK YOU STOP DANNY DARK #SUPERMAN

TO: DAVE FLEISCHER HE CLEARLY ISNT A BIRD OR A PLANE STOP WHAT IS WRONG WITH THOSE PEOPLE STOP IS IT TOO LATE TO TAKE THAT OUT OF THE CARTOON STOP MAX FLEISCHER #SUPERMAN

TO: JERRY SIEGEL AND JOE SHUSTER WHAT IS WITH THE HAIR CURL STOP ARE THERE NO COMBS IN METROPOLIS OR SOMETHING STOP MALCOLM WHEELER-NICHOLSON DETECTIVE COMICS INC #SUPERMAN

TO: JACK HUNTER HEELEY FC WE CAN BE CERTAIN OF ONE THING STOP THERE WILL NEVER BE A FC WITH A STRANGER NAME THAN PATRICK THISTLE STOP FRED HARGREAVES BLACKBURN ROVERS FC #SPURS #THFC

TO: JERRY SIEGEL AND JOE SHUSTER A MAN WITH THE PROPORTIONAL STRENGTH AND ABILITIES OF A SPIDER STOP THATS EVEN STUPIDER THAN YOUR IDEA FOR A MAN WHO PRETENDS TO BE A BAT STOP TRY AGAIN FELLAS STOP MALCOLM WHEELER-NICHOLSON DETECTIVE COMICS INC #SUPERMAN

TO: OSCAR WILDE WHAT THE HELL MAN STOP JOHN GRAY #BOOKSKY

TO: MARCEL DUCHAMP WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO IF I NEED TO GO TO THE TOILET NOW STOP NICE ONE JERKFACE STOP MARCEL PROUST #ART #BOOKSKY

TO: JOHN SCULLEY NOTHING COULD EVER POSSIBLY EMBARRASS US MORE THAN THE NEWTON STOP STEVE JOBS #APPLE #NASDAQ

TO: AUGUSTE ESCOFFIER SLOW ROASTED OVER LOW HEAT FOR AN 18 HOUR PERIOD TURNING EVERY 30 MINUTES STOP NOT GREAT WITH SEASONINGS OR SAUCES THOUGH STOP FEEL FREE TO SHARE ANY IDEAS STOP ALFRED PACKER #HISTORYSKY

TO: MCPHERSON TYPEWRITER REPAIR THIS IS THE FIFTH TIME IVE GOTTEN IT BACK FROM YOU AND THE SHIFT KEY IS STILL BROKEN STOP IM ABOUT TO GIVE UP AND JUST GO ON WITHOUT IT STOP E E CUMMINGS #BOOKSKY

TO: JOHN SCULLEY NOTHING COULD EVER POSSIBLY EMBARRASS US MORE THAN THE NEWTON STOP STEVE JOBS #APPLE #NASDAQ

TO: JOHN D ROCKEFELLER IT IS MONDAY OCTOBER 28 1929 AND I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW LUCKY YOU AND I ARE STOP THERE IS NOWHERE TO GO BUT UP MY FRIEND STOP PRESIDENT HERBERT HOOVER #NASDAQ #TRUMPTARIFFS

TO: PRESIDENT HERMAN B WELLS I KNOW I WANTED TO DO THIS SURVEY BUT PEOPLE ARE SUPER FREAKY AND NOW IM SCARED STOP IMAGINE IF THEY ALL HAD WAYS TO SHARE THIS STUFF WITH THE WORLD STOP ALFRED KINSEY #ACADEMICSKY

TO: ROSALIND FRANLIN NICE DNA YOUVE GOT THERE STOP SHAME IF ANYTHING WERE TO HAPPEN TO IT STOP WATSON AND CRICK #ACADEMICSKY

TO: MARCEL DUCHAMP WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO IF I NEED TO GO TO THE TOILET NOW STOP NICE ONE JERKFACE STOP MARCEL PROUST #ART #BOOKSKY

TO: THE DUKE OF WELLINGTON THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN US AND THE YANKS IS WE ASKED NICELY STOP EARL GREY #AUSPOL

TO: SALVADOR DALI LIKE THE CLOCKS BUT HAVE YOU THOUGHT OF ADDING A FEW CATS STOP LOUIS WAIN #ART

TO: OSCAR WILDE WHAT THE HELL MAN STOP JOHN GRAY #BOOKSKY

TO: ANDREI TARKOVSKY SAW THE ROUGHT CUT OF SOLARIS THIS MORNING STOP NOT BAD BUT COULD BE MORE VAGUE STOP STANISLAW LEM #BOOKSKY

TO: VICE PRESIDENT GARRETT HOBART NOW THAT WE ARE IN WE CAN FIX THE ECONOMY BY RAISING TARIFFS STOP AND EVERYONE WILL THANK ME STOP FOUR TERMS HERE WE COME STOP PRESIDENT WILLIAM MCKINLEY #TARIFFS

TO: GEORGE BERNARD SHAW THE TROUBLE WITH MUMBAI IS ITS RUDDY HARD TO FIND A GOOD CURRY AROUND HERE STOP RUDYARD KIPLING

TO: THE WISCONSIN DEPARTMENT OF TOURISM THE SLOGAN YOU BOYS CAME UP WITH IS FINE BUT I JUST DONT SEE WISCONSIN AS AMERICAS FAIRYLAND STOP GOVERNOR JULIUS B HEIL #WISCONSIN

TO: EDGAR ALLEN POE YES STOP WE GET IT STOP ENOUGH WITH THE BELLS STOP RALPH WALDO EMERSON #BOOKSKY

TO: RAY MANZAREK YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD BE WILD STOP IF THEY MADE A MOVIE OF OUR LIVES AND THE GUY WHO PLAYED ME WAS ALSO BATMAN STOP BUT THATS PROBABLY JUST THE DRUGS TALKING STOP JIM MORRISON #VALKILMER

TO: RON HOWARD OTHER THAN THE DASHING SWORDSMAN FATHER WOULD HAVE BEEN VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU STOP CHRISTOPHER TOLKIEN #VALKILMER