Mostly Harmless

I strongly believe that when the crosswalk timer runs out a trapdoor should open and swallow the people who failed to make it across in time.

God: You have probably 70-80 years before you die, ideally. Man: Oh, well I'll make the most of- God: You'll be unconscious for 1/3 of the time. Man: …Uh God: *Leans in* That'll be your favourite part.

A haiku about being an adult: I am so tired Where did all my money go My back is hurting

Your secrets are safe with me because I zone out every time you speak.

I would prefer car commercials that feature unprofessional drivers on open courses.

The hardest part about watching "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown" at this point is realizing you are one of the "wah-wah-wah-wah" adults.

“Probiotic” sounds a lot better than “bacteria infested.”

The dumbest person you know is being told "You're absolutely right" by ChatGPT right now.

As a teenager getting picked up was embarrassing because everyone started driving. As an adult getting picked up is great because I don't have to drive.

Met an Egyptian; they walk just like us.

Day six of my push-up challenge. So far, I've eaten 107 push-up pops.

So many voices in my head and not one of them can hold a decent conversation.

Existence is a scam made up by Big Philosophy to sell more philosophy.

You may be married, but you aren’t *married* married until you’re in IKEA together and you brought your own tape measure.

A nice salad, except with sauce instead of dressing and maybe pepperoni and cheese instead of veggies and then baked on a crust.

All gas station bathrooms are required by law to look like the set of a Saw movie.

You just can't watch the news and drink a glass of water at the same time anymore.

I think New York has reached the point where it can finally be called York.