Michael Clear

It's bad enough I have to pay extra for this since Elon killed it's HBO release butt do I really have too watch all four hours to successfully "resist fascism"? I feel like I could get the gist after 20 minutes

Politico describing how Rahm Emmanuel eats a salad is funnier than anything The Onion ever published

Congratulations to new Florida resident Flavio Bolsonaro

I don’t know how to break this to some of you, but a system isn’t what you think it does, a system is what it rewards and punishes. So a system that treats common gutter bigotry as normal but punishes snark about a suburban chain restaurant isn’t misguided or confused. It’s operating as intended.

Today I've learned to live my life in a way that my two choices aren't the Presidency or jail time

The idea of a "historically accurate" movie that has a cyclops in it will never not be funny

RFK doesn't know how to use Google so I get to call him an old racist weirdo en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ardem_P...

People who think Trump is going to save them are so funny. If Trump had a way to change election results, he'd have done that a few times by now

How's his ass, dude?

Alaska Democratic Senate candidate got into a car accident yesterday and if that had happened to her Republican opponent, Trump would have accused the Democrats dozens of times of trying to kill him

Now do Twitter

Why is Amy Acton's mother speaking with Trump in Michigan?

Had much money did Elon sink into Brazil? Anyway the sane guy won that so RIP Elon's money

This is good. Non-American political news these days is usually "Far right leader of Spain's Hitler Was Right Party has overwhelmingly won his election thanks to economic dissatisfaction and massive support from Elon Musk"

Normally you have to wait until Thanksgiving dinner to hear old men ramble on like this

I was thinking I wasn’t that excited about November movies but then remembered one exception. I won’t be available on November 6

“Or just scrape dead animals off the highway. Those don’t cost anything. Everyone should be able to afford food then”

OK so we’re NOT calling it SI anymore?

Least realistic thing about Clayface is how popular newspapers are. Otherwise, not bad. Hovering between an A- and B+

I’m waiting in the theater for Clayface to start and I think everyone will really appreciate me yelling “THIS IS DIFFERENT FROM THE COMIC BOOKS” whenever they have something that doesn’t match the comic books

Whoever does his hair and eyebrows hates him

The way his mind works, this story was probably leaked by Vivek because he thinks it makes the mother look good

A lot of countries are asking themselves if they want to live according to the whims of Elon Musk and, to Elon’s surprise, the answer seems to be no

So far the only two people in the country openly supporting the pro-child rape ad are the President and Vice President

If you think you have a deal with Donald Trump, you do not.

Everyone at Apple: “My God I hate our customers. How can we screw them over?” “Time to release another iPhone update.” Evil smile: “Yeah MUAHAHAHA”

I finally saw You Can See Everything and walked out as the credits rolled asking myself “what the hell did I just watch?” but on the way out I saw that I’d gone into the wrong theater and had in fact watched Whalefall

So happy my disguise worked

I’m pretty sure the reason no one asks Trump about this is because they know he’ll say something like “Maybe 12 year old Amy seduced him”

I keep telling people this but have yet to convince a single person to stop calling him a trillionaire

Me watching Rings of Power: “Why don’t the Eagles just develop their own magic rings?”

I haven’t seen You Can See Everything yet but I’m wondering if the surprise twist everyone is talking about is that the blood test machine developed by Elizabeth Holmes actually worked

A steam room would be more Trump’s vibe

I will now damn the new Street Fighter movie with faint praise and say it’s not the worst movie I’ve ever seen and that it’s probably the best movie ever made with the words Street Fighter in the title. Should you see it? Not in theaters, no. Wait till you can watch it at home

Ironically for Vivek, the rapist protecting mother is now the top Republican choice for Ohio Governor and voters are demanding Vivek step aside so she can run

Off to hang out with my new gym friends. We talk about things like how much we bench. You all probably don’t know what that means

Honestly surprised the word “uppity” wasn’t used

Literally no one talks about it except for Trump fans who say "Why is gas so expensive? I thought we stole all of Venezuela's oil"

Whalefall is a great movie for people who think that maybe their father was too kind and compassionate when they were growing up and wish he’d been more of an emotionally abusing asshole and a drink so that he could impart knowledge and skills to survive the most unlikely situation possible

My followers know I sometimes say this: “The Democratic Party leadership is old, rich and comfortable and they’re fine with being in the minority”

The “longtime Republican strategists” are surprised because they expected their voters to be worried about things like “boys in girls sports” and didn’t realize that worrying about things like that are a luxury you get to have when you can easily buy things like food and gas

BREAKING NEWS: the company that’s so evil that there are two movies about the evil things it does is still evil

Hi all, it’s me, that celebrity you’ve loved since childhood. I’m just here to say immigrants are all garbage and only the closest thing the UK has to an actual Nazi party can save us. Ni!