MajorFlake

Aw but seriously look at us all telling our little jokes while anything resembling a civilized society collapses around us in neck breaking speed

Oh no, now everyone is gonna know about my "low T"

WIFE: what’s wrong ME: i’ve been cursed by a witch [earlier] WITCH: fuck you

Yes I also survived the band 'N Sync

I love animals and it has to be at least a little bit because they can't speak. Oh my God, my last dog would've been absolutely insufferable if he could talk. Just a constantly rambling jerk. Luckily he never really seemed to be trying to learn though

Sometimes my mom makes me wish human beings didn't have the ability to speak. This is not a joke but an actual thought I had while she was talking

I'm not just dumb, I'm stupid too. *winks at you with both eyes*

Jealousy is small, petty, and malignant. Try and revel in the beauty and wonder of others. Marvel and evolve and be elated by people. Just try it out if you have any jealous tendencies and I think you'll be delighted and transformed

Good Lord my executive functioning issues are so bad I was all proud of myself at 3am for getting a Halloween costume for an early month party while I have no sheets on my bed I feel sad

People expecting words is the worst

Place was packed & distracted but best "drop" in all of music history is undeniable ("Dance Yourself Clean" by LCD Soundsystem)

Real Bitch Ass Hoes of Orange County

Countries with PUBLIC EXECUTIONS? 1. Iran 2. Afghanistan (under rule of the TALIBAN) 3. North fxking Korea 4. PARTS of Somalia (controlled by a terrorist group, not the Somalian government) 5. United States of America in 2026 (if they have their way)

No country in EU has death penalty at all. They think we're barbaric for it. Yes, there are people who can never be freed, but it is not our place to kill them. Also, it costs MORE to execute (appeals process), there's NO evidence it's a deterrent, & people are still wrongly executed.

I'M THE KING OF HUMILITY!!!! nope, nope. Did it wrong.

🎶 Brown paper packages tied up with strings Nonsense that likely will be distancing These are a few of my favorite things🎶

Oh my gosh, how are you? I haven't seen you in ages. How are your kids? And tell your mom I said hi! I miss drawing dicks on her face.

Parents are so obnoxious. “Look at me! I definitely had sex once.” It’s like, stop bragging, we get it.

Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill, Charlie Brown

Night of the Living Dead, Charlie Brown

I have done so many of these I'm trying to remember my favorites... The Darkness in your Soul, Charlie Brown Coping with the Terrors of Sentient Existence, Charlie Brown

LMAO Reactions of confusion, or dismay, or just outright disapproval are my *favorites*

Sorry!! Did you not wanna know that or something? Well I never wanted to know what your face looked like so I guess we're even.

😂😂😂 I don't know if it's my autistic literalness but I think Frovo is absolutely the best joke writer on Bluesky

[first day as a vet] ME: i'm sorry but your pet owl has died OWNER: oh no *boo hoo* ME: oh fuck was that its ghost

Hey guys, what's your favorite documentary *cuts you off* mines "Zoo"! A guy dies from receptive anal sex with a horse!!

🎶I want a girl with a short skirt and a lonnnnnnng strap-on

That was supposed to say born with it I don't know what people thought I meant by boring with it or why on earth someone saved it

So y'all know what to get me for my birthday

Sometimes, on some occasions, I "think first" and don't hit the send button

It should not take someone to die and a ghost bike to be placed to get safe bike infrastructure.

Would I rather fight one horse-sized duck or 100 duck-sized horses? Um, neither. I have the world's greatest show (100% ethical treatment they all get massages every single day!) in all of history on my hands, thankyouverymuch.

if i had 100 duck-sized horses that'd be pretty friggin sweet

With "friends" like fkn Stacey who needs acquaintances AMIRITE?! (I am available to perform at nursing homes.)

Knuckle tattoo: CANT COUN

I don't have Tourette's but I do have verbal tics where I just kind of blurt out things that I don't plan or even know are coming and i today I said, "country music motherfucking dumb" and you know what, brain? That was a good one.