Jordan

I’m reading Stewart Little (I know, about 30 years too late) and found out he’s not a mouse! He’s a boy that looks like a mouse.

My goal is to become the first non-racist trillionaire

Me: "What a nice upbeat song" Smokey Robinson: "I'm saaaaad!"

Revealing Banksy's identity is like taking off Mickey Mouse's head at Disneyland. It doesn't help anyone and it ruins the fun.

When the folks at Lowe's laughed, I realized the tool to cut crown moulding is not called a "coping mechanism".

Bad Bunny's performance was such a fun vibe. Exactly what we needed. ❤️

Kids these days don't know what it's like to be hit with another one of them block rockin beats

I have a feeling the cut 60 minutes segment will be their most watched, just not on CBS

How much is everybody paying for their Santa subscriptions this year?

I think we need stronger boarders. These kids can't make it halfway through a powder day without a "mellow one" to rest their legs.

The Giants, Timbers, and Democrats let me down today.

Antifa offered me an "ordinary" stick of gum. Much to my chagrin it was anything but ordinary.

The Mariners now have the privilege of getting swept by the Blue Jays

I know there are bigger problems right now but how is this not a category?

The economy around AI feels like that episode of Beavis and Butt-Head where they trade the same dollar back and forth for candy bars

No I didn't read the article in the San Diego Tribune: I'm off socal media.

Let's elect an atheist Pope. Need to hear both sides.

Scientists have found the key to a long life: missing or inaccurate birth records.

Can't wait for a generic uncontroversial "be nice to each other" commercial

Why are people pretending like white men can't be incompetent? Have you worked anywhere before?

Putting French mustard on KFC and calling it Dijon Sanders

The movies are too long

Fosse? The one who taught all the gorillas choreography?

If the administration isn't going to distance themselves over elon's gestures, it tells me all I need to know about their beliefs.

"I carried to my lips a spoonful of the tea in which I had let soften a bit of Doritos™"

The 1960s were the golden age of songs about weird people around town.

I can never get my mouth around the toothpicks in a club sandwich

Guest on The Fuck Shit Piss Podcast: ...Can I swear on here?

Jurassic Park was such a good movie they named an NBA team after one of the characters.

Please rise and remove your caps as the Samsung washing machine performs its little jingle.

For the price of a Cybertruck you can buy a 2014 Aston Martin Vanquish and not look like a big dummy.

I assume Bluesky rhymes with brewski. I will not be investigating further.

I've trained AI to go on a luxurious vacation so I don't have to.

Frankly embarrassing how far Chester Copperpot made it looking for One Eyed Willie's treasure.

I would love Elmo to host SNL, but it's on past Elmo's bedtime.