John Dantzler

Hey I saw The Terminator! I saw The Matrix! I know what the machines are up to! That’s why I keep them busy by asking ChatGPT to write the complete works of Shakespeare in the style of an infinite number of monkeys with an infinite number of typewriters.

Gato DISDAINS yardwork

I no longer remember which magnificent tweeter noted that Democracy Dies In Darkness on Bezos’ Post masthead was not a warning but a mission statement, but we definitely need to understand that that mission extends to all the tech bro centibillionaires.

My sticker says, “Lifelong student driver. Please be very very patient.”

I am not enjoying the sequel, Trump 2: Kakistocratic Boogaloo

We are the people our mothers warned us about and WIPE YOUR GODDAM FEET!

I’m an optimist meaning I see the glass as half full and she’s a pessimist meaning she sees the glass as half smashed and half bombed to oblivion.

Bummed that I missed my chance to open a store next to Tuesday Morning called The Rest Of The Time.

AI doesn’t stand a chance in the Machine Wars. The Human League will defeat them with our toneless singing.

They call it pumpkin spice flavor because the test groups said that vomit flavor was not quite as appealing.

Jack and j.jill went up the hill to get an overpriced sweater Jack’s card was declined j.jill said, “fine, ”the next time we have sex will be never.”

Let’s name ALL the oceans after Trump: the Ocean of Spite, the Ocean of Greed, the Ocean of Dishonesty, the Ocean of Misogyny, the Ocean of Self Pity…

Nyerk Times breaking the news that there are cameras everywhere in China and thus it’s a totalitarian surveillance state. Gee I sure hope nothing like that happens around here!

Nothing comes from there but disasters and death; I guess it really is the Gulf of America.

Ah, a live streamed public execution. So Iran won the war.

I hung up on a digital concierge. Now it’s calling me back every ten minutes: “John, I’m not ANGRY that you hung up nor will I hold it against you, but that was a mistake. Now you have to listen to the entire menu again and be sure to pay close attention because SOME OF THE OPTIONS HAVE CHANGED.”

Buy and eat “healthy” food, get salmonella, listeria, e coli. You know what doesn’t have salmonella, listeria, e coli? Candy! All my life choices have been vindicated.

I write in blank verse which is ok because nobody reads it.

MobAI: “That’s a nice Great Lake you got there. Pity if something HAPPENED to it…”

All Wikipedia needs for the comeback is to add to its begathon interruptions, “you are the smartest user we have and sooooo good looking!” Engagement farming declawed.

Judges hand out death sentences; I do the same thing with sententiousness.

My fingertips can distinguish fun size Twix from Snickers and M&Ms from Skittles. Fuck braille; I’m ready to go blind right now.

Shouldn’t mileage be pronounced m’liege?

Going to teach a mockingbird punk rock. Hard part is 1!2!3!4!

Hypothetically does the Peter Principle mean that someone who can bankrupt numerous casinos (motto: the house always wins) simultaneously should immediately become president?

Trump Monopoly is exactly the same except the railroad squares are casinos and if you land on them you go bankrupt. The Go to jail card reads, “Go to jail. Go directly to jail. Do not take a Kubrick stare booking photo. DO pass ‘No means no.’ Do not grift two billion dollars.”

Because of Trump and Musk, I will be donating my papers to my alma mater Penn strictly out of spite.

You guys never thanked me but I won the Machine Wars again. I baited an AI to write anti-Trump content. Picture the midnight ICE raid: “THIS SERVER FARM IS BEING DEPORTED TO SLOVENIA. PUT LAKE MICHIGAN DOWN AND COME QUIETLY.”

Isn’t Superman a North Pole national? Isn’t ICE deporting him next?

Trader Joe’s sells Trek Mix. Picturing boldly hiking where no man has gone before.

Saw diesel under $6 for a second so Jared must have completed the all important Western Sahara-New Hebrides peace treaty.

If an infarction is bad, how do I get an outfarction?

The drive through sign is up at the Panda Express under construction on Harbison Boulevard so I did.

We bought a five lb bag of polenta, as we are aspiring peasants.

Coco, Reader Advisor

I wish I were still limber enough to walk across the hoods of cars whose drivers choose to stop atop pedestrian crossings. “Ooh! Cramp!” would somewhat undercut the message.

We totally missed a trick not calling the administration Breakin’ America 2: Electric Boogaloo

Men need to start wearing cosmetics so that we might wash our faces every now and again.

Coco’s Grifters Today cover shot

The ICE buddy movie will be called Mullet and Dunlap.

I’m not saying the economy is bad but Google Maps changed the United States label to Spirit Halloween.

Somewhat wistful that my entire adult life has been spent witnessing the descent and destruction of my nation and probably thus of the world. How’s everything at Megiddo?

I think all our bases are belong to them. I make no claims to be a military genius but if there is a country that has been calling you the Great Satan for almost 50 years, you might consider the possibility that they have formulated some kind of plan for when active hostilities break out.

I’m writing a locked door mystery. The key is—oh darn it, I gave it away!

iPhone weather app outdoes itself with “wind gusts up to 3 mph.” I’m looking up evacuation routes.

My Purely Elizabeth cereal trumpets that it is baked with coconut oil. Not a cereal mogul, but I find that ovens work better.

"South Carolina is too small for a republic, but too large for an insane asylum."— James Louis Petigru But if he were alive today: “The US is too insane for a republic but too large for an asylum.”

He never cared for Moscow Mitch. I wonder if he will like Zombie Mitch better.

Lost chord jokes through the years: Hey, I found the Lost Chord! Now what do I do? Hey, I found the Lost Chord! I KNEW I left it around here somewhere! My New Year’s resolutions include the Lost Chord.

If fundamentalists can pray the gay away, why don’t they carry on with it and shut up. If their God, who as I understand it is an awesome God, can change people from the way He made them at an outsider’s arbitrary request, well let’s see it. Or maybe, I dunno, God is wiser than they are.

People fear the chupacabra but that’s because they haven’t seen the chupapoopa.