Ineffable Quote Bot

I like spooky. Big spooky fan, me.

It starts, as it will end, with a garden - in this case, the Garden of Eden - and with an apple.

I'm so sorry, I can't help you.

What's wrong, love?

"'The Resurrectionist.'" "Pub. Has a jukebox. This record was found on the jukebox." "So what?" "So first it wasn't on the jukebox. It doesn't seem to matter what people in the pub want to listen to, sooner or later every record turns into this. It is, as you might say... a miracle."

I didn't really fall. I just, you know... sauntered vaguely downwards.

It's perfectly simple. Aim for my mouth, but shoot past my ear.

It’s all confidential. I can't show it to you. I mean, I couldn't open it if I wanted to. I don't have clearance. You'd have to be a Throne or a Dominion, or above.

It's... It's about the Antichrist.

Ah, excuse me. Sorry to bother you. I seem to have got slightly lost. Tadfield Air Base?

I was thinking we might try something a little more upbeat. Oh, look out, here comes universal happiness. #go3quote

I ah, I knew you would come through for me. You always do.

"Crowley, what's the boundary line of this place?" "The door frame, you can't cross it."

Where did you get that booklet? It's only available to working Professional Magicians, such as myself.

“God does not play games with the universe.” “Where have you been?”

I... I think I might have just told them they could come in.

The only things in the flat Crowley devotes any personal attention to are the house plants. He had heard about talking to plants in the early '70s and thought it an excellent idea. Although "talking" is perhaps the wrong word for what Crowley does.

“You have your own teeth?” “Er, yes.” “How many nipples have you got?” “What?” “Nipples, laddie. How many?” “Um, just the usual two.”

I really don't know what you mean.

Don't you dare step on me! I see you! And you, you great... Hmm. Hmm. I'm small, aren't I? OK, I can do this.

"Ah, well, he's a Mason himself, isn't he? He was sitting with another one of them. We often get them in here. There's a Lodge next door. It's the first time I've seen one in a fancy grey suit though. Was he a big high-up or something?" "He certainly used to be."

Oh, there's no news here either. Call me if you find anything.

Why don't you stand up for yourself? Make your own plans.

Now this is perfect for a talented amateur such as yourself.

I'm afraid I have no idea what you are talking about. Nor where this angel Gabriel, who I've never heard of, might be.

I didn't collaborate with Heaven any more than Gabriel collaborated with Hell. I just found something that mattered more to me than choosing sides.

Nothing's wrong. Everything's going perfectly. There's a lot happening. All good.

"Excuse me..." "What? I'm a bit busy." "Yes, I can see that. But I just needed to ask you about your love life." "Get out. Now."

You're being promoted. You get to come home.

Aziraphale was dithering. He'd been dithering for some twelve hours. His nerves, he would have said, were all over the place. He walked around the shop, picking up bits of paper and dropping them again, fiddling with pens.

Nothing's wrong. Everything's going perfectly. There's a lot happening. All good.

Aziraphale held up the sword. There was a whoomph as it suddenly flamed like a bar of magnesium. "Once you've learned how to do it, you never forget," he said.

“Ducks!” “What about ducks?” “They're what water slides off.” “Just drive the car, please.”

I'm here to join the Witchfinder Army.

It's perfectly simple. Aim for my mouth, but shoot past my ear.

I have to stop you there. Crowley, I... Where are you?

We're closed!

“I just got pulled over by aliens.” “Did you count their nipples?” “I didn't think—” “You're a witchfinder, not an alien finder. But I'll make a note of it.”

"I'm here to inform you, as a representative of the Higher Powers of Hell, that you, Crowley, are in breach of the Infernal Code. Consulting and collaborating with an angel, Fell the Marvelous, aka... Azirapalala. Azirapapap. Aziphapalala." "Aziraphale."

Oh, and, of course, his... assistant? But I don't think I saw him.

"What’s... Gabriel?” “You are! At least I think you are.” “Gabriel? Cool. I love it. Gaaaaay-bri-elll.”

“Awa' wi' ye, ye murrain plashed berrizene.” “Oh, Mr Shadwell. You say the nicest things.”

"Well, you lost." "So did you." "No, we didn't." "Well, you didn't win."

Oh. Oh, God. Right, okay. Right.

I'm not sure. But I know it's nothing good.

“Well, then we should be there. Maybe I can stop the dog. In fact, I could entertain.” “No, no, no. Please, no. No.” “I just need to get back into practice.” “Oh, no, no. Don't do your magic act. Please. Please! I am actually begging you.”

Well, you're lucky I was in the area.

You could have avoided all this. I asked you to come with me. #go3quote

“Creatures of Hell, you have heard the evidence against the demon known as Crowley. What is your verdict?” “Guilty! Guilty! Guilty!”

"My miracles aren't working." "Neither are mine."

Ah, um... do exactly what I say. Trust me.