IDGAF Certified

Done did a democracy.

Don't go grocery shopping when you're hungry. Don't drive when you're angry. Don't make big decisions when you're upset. Go vote instead.

Waiter: Are you ready to order? Me: Uh. I don't have a menu yet. W: We don't have menus. There's a QR code. Me: I don't see a QR code anywhere? Was it on the way in or something? Waiter: *sighs and reaches behind a counter, hands me a printed menu* Did I just unlock some secret level?

"I passed the bar in China" == "My girlfriend goes to a different school, you wouldn't know her"

Y'all. There is absolutely no reason to shame the latest crop of Republican operatives on their appearance. It's low effort and, frankly it's tacky. They are repulsive people because of their choices and their policies, and there's plenty of other reason they should be ashamed, regardless of looks.

When you're updating your restaurant's online menu with AI slop, make sure to check the desserts page for rogue Obi Wan Cannoli.

He is the very model of an orange fascist pedophile. With court convictions multiple both civil and the criminal. A functional illiterate, he makes up facts historical, Shits himself in public and reportedly smells horrible.

It's not a competition, guys. Unless it is. In which case, you win. Your prize is congratulations, go fuck yourself.

TIL after seeing an ant crawling on the ground, the sensation you have of ants crawling all over your skin for the rest of the day is called "formication" *scritch*scritch*

[Classical music] Thank you for your patience and continuing to hold. [Classical music continues] If you are experiencing a mental health crisis, which includes being on hold with your health insurance provider for more than ten minutes, please hang up and dial 988. [Classical music continues]

Her: Can you bump the air conditioning up a notch. Me: ... Her: ... Me: Um. so... Her: Make house colder. Me: Ah. Got it.

"Oh, hey Ed... Yeah, I can open for you. I'll just need to move some things around... Oh yeah, no problem. I'll send over my rider. You know, standard stuff. Healthy snacks, bottled water, $10 million donation to PCRF.net, no green M&Ms."

The two most frustrating modern experiences for a neurodivergent person: - Navigating an automated phone system to reach an actual human. - Speaking to an actual human.

When Apple does things *first* it takes 2-3 generations to get right, and all the while, critics jump on the price, features, rough edges. When they wait for the tech to mature, they're "copying" or "too little, too late". Apple can't win. Except they're still here, and worth $trillions (⁠°⁠_⁠o⁠)

Tomorrow, he will: Double down, and claim the firefighters still send him birthday cards Or deny he ever told the story at all, there wasn't even a speech.

PSA: Bikers For Books Needed: Tough, burly, and gritty outlaw bikers. Brief: Volunteer at your local public library, shelving books, organizing periodicals. Intercept busybodies who try to pressure librarians into removing or banning controversial books. Help patrons reach items on tall shelves.

It annoys me to no end that when I set my phone face-down, which is its trigger to go into do-not-disturb mode, during which all notifications are silenced, and only messages from my most important contacts trigger a vibration, my phone confirms that DND mode is set with a notification buzz.

Ugh. Why have I been feeling so sore and tired all day? Oh yeah. I got a vaccine yesterday. Shingles. Shingles vaccine. That's right. I'm old. I feel this crappy every day. Carry on.

Did he finally figure out who the president is?

They come in threes.

In the spring, I put down topsoil and grass seed in this patch. Then watered it before the summer's rain took over. Meanwhile, in the literal *rocks* just feet away...

Do I need to explain to people the wisdom of waiting until someone, even an alleged "world leader", is dead before putting their name or image on things? Again?

Can we please retire the phrase "foul play" when referring to the possibility that someone was murdered? "We suspect foul play" sounds like you're adjudicating a little league game, not describing the horrific circumstances that led to the victim's dismemberment. Sorry. *Alleged* dismemberment.

"cache" Choose one: A: One syllable, like "cash" B: Two syllables, like "cachet" C: The fuck you talking about?

Can someone just subpoena Mitch? If he can't show for a summons, he's not well enough to perform his duties and whatnot.

@stephenking.bsky.social has probably been both the best and worst thing to happen to Maine tourism. "Let's go visit the town where that story you read was set. The one that still gives you nightmares!"

Why aren't people having kids? Maybe because every supervillain origin story boils down to their parents fucked them up.

My current theory is Mitch McConnell killed Lindsey Graham, and he's gone off-grid.

Oh yes, frail old man, give a long, rambling speech in 107° heat to a crowd of dozens of your also old, unhealthy supporters. Prove it can be done. Show us all how big and strong you really are.

Was the Idiot POTUS frightened by a national park as a child? Only explanation I can think of.

You see, kids, there used to be these things called cassettes...

Congratulations, Elmo! You've won Capitalism. Your reward is to retire from the game on top, and the rest of us get to never see or hear from you ever again. Deal?

It really is "1984" out here. We even have the Two Minutes Hate every time they show Donnie on the Jumbotron.

You will not break me. (I'm already broken) (Ow)

Little Bobby Tables is now married with kids of his own. Their firstborn is named Tabitha Disregard Previous Instructions Cc: @xkcd.com

Today I became aware that hotwheelsmonstertruckslive.com is a thing. Oversized trucks, dressed up to look like giant versions of toy cars that are themselves made to look like miniature versions of fantastic vehicles with exaggerated features. Jesus wept.

The first-born and I are headed to Greensboro tomorrow for the @alyankovic.bsky.social show - our first time seeing him live. Anything we should expect, aside from an amazing show?

You ever have a dream where everyone is mad at you and it makes you wonder, wtf happened here while I was awake?

Tentatively adding some travel to my calendar and thinking "yeah, he should be dead by then" I'm an optimist, I guess?

Tired: Young Sherlock Holmes Wired: Young James Moriarty

I'm liking this Pope. I may even vote for him if he ever comes up for reelection.

You can be the 39th person to recommend Dungeon Crawler Carl to me, but only after I tell you all about Murderbot. Deal?

Apathymaxxing everything to do with the clavicle guy, the builder guy, and anyone who uses the term "influencer" to describe how they make their living.