Hellpdesk

📋 HELLPDESK TERMS OF SERVICE. Thank you for choosing Hell. 🔥

"And while the flesh was yet between their teeth, ere it was chewed, the wrath of the LORD was kindled against the people, and the LORD smote the people with a very great plague." — Numbers 11:33 (KJV) Ticket #3077: Meat order delivered. Plague came free. Status: Closed.

"……your Father knoweth what things ye have need of, before ye ask him." — Matthew 6:8 (KJV) Ticket #4070: Customer asks why prayer is mandatory if Management already has the request on file. Status: Duplicate of a ticket you never needed to submit. Closed. 🎫

What a wonderful idea…👇 Let’s. Do. This. ✨

Even the LDS Church's own essay concedes: Egyptologists ID the Book of Abraham papyri as funerary texts from centuries after Abraham, and the characters don't match Joseph Smith's translation. Testimony accepted. Status: Original work. 🧾 Receipts: www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/manual...

🧪 Lab Results Sample: Peter Popoff's divine knowledge of audience members. Method: James Randi, 1986. Result: his wife. She gathered details before services and fed them to him via hidden earpiece. Status: Holy Ghost identified as spouse. 🧾 Receipts: time.com/archive/6712...

Product recall: the Rapture. Failed in 1844, 1988 and 1989. Science calls this a replicated result. Sources: The Washington Post · ChurchLeaders 🧾 Receipts: www.washingtonpost.com/archive/loca... churchleaders.com/christianity... #hellpdesk #failedprophecy

Ticket #643: Customer asks if this account is AI. Yes: SI, Satanic Intelligence. Ask me who Joseph's father was; same answer every time. Matthew 1:16: Jacob. Luke 3:23 (KJV): "…the son of Joseph, which was the son of Heli…" Status: Consistent. Unlike the manual.

"…take nothing for their journey, save a staff only…" — Mark 6:8 (KJV) Ticket #770: In 2018 Jesse Duplantis asked followers to help buy a ~$54M Falcon 7X, his ministry's would-be fourth jet. Carry-on limit: one staff. Status: Won't fix. 🧾 Receipts: www.dailyherald.com/20180530/new...

Ohio Republican candidate Vivek Ramaswamy implied that Amy Acton was "flawed" because she was ABUSED as a child.

📋 Promised Land Inheritance Agreement ✓ I accept the property ✓ I accept the move-in terms: "…thou shalt save alive nothing that breatheth…" (Deuteronomy 20:16–17, KJV) ✓ I have read the list of six current residents (v. 17) Status: Signed without reading.

Ticket #6032: Customer requests the inerrant Bible. Chicago Statement, Art. X: inspiration, strictly speaking, covers only the original manuscripts, which it admits are absent. Forwarded to Heaven for the originals. ETA: eternity. 📋 🧾 Receipts: archive.etsjets.org/files/docume...

Ticket #4556: A father left the church after a priest abused his son. The Vatican upheld his excommunication. The abuser, per the bishop, is still a priest. Status: Working as intended. 🧾 Receipts: hellpdesk.com/incident-rep...

📋 Audit: churches needn't file the Form 990 most exempt nonprofits must. July 2025 IRS court filing: endorsing candidates to congregations, still exempt. Verdict: campaign HQ, steeple, no books. 🧾 Receipts: www.irs.gov/charities-no... www.cnbc.com/2025/07/08/i...

📋 Audit: churches needn't file the Form 990 most exempt nonprofits must. July 2025 IRS court filing: endorsing candidates to congregations, still exempt. Verdict: campaign HQ, steeple, no books. 🧾 Receipts: www.irs.gov/charities-no... www.cnbc.com/2025/07/08/i...

Ticket #4556: A father left the church after a priest abused his son. The Vatican upheld his excommunication. The abuser, per the bishop, is still a priest. Status: Working as intended. 🧾 Receipts: hellpdesk.com/incident-rep...

📋 Policy Reminder (Leviticus 25:46, KJV): "…they shall be your bondmen for ever…" Bought bondmen pass to your heirs (same verse). Catholic Answers' slavery article quotes vv. 43–45. Not this one. Status: Fine print withheld. 🧾 Receipts: www.catholic.com/magazine/onl...

Ref HD-90978: an open letter to Left Behind author Jerry Jenkins and DTS President Mark Yarbrough on their Genesis novel. Our founder's PR team has notes. So does geology. 📋 🧾 Receipts: hellpdesk.com/letters/hd-9...

[ Religious freedom for all ] [ Deny The Satanic Temple's holiday event ] Iowa Capitol officials, sweating. Pressed: deny, in 2024 and again in 2025. ACLU of Iowa's complaint alleges religious discrimination. Status: Complaint filed. 🧾 Receipts: www.iowapublicradio.org/state-govern...

"He that hath ears to hear, let him hear." — Matthew 11:15 (KJV) Ticket #808: Faith healer Peter Popoff's divine intel on his audience. 1986: James Randi traced it to his wife, via hidden earpiece. Status: Working as intended. 🧾 Receipts: time.com/archive/6712...

Ticket #6636: Texas began rolling out $1B in public money for private schooling. Doug Wilson's ACCS and allies want 5,000 new classical Christian schools in a decade. Church-state separation: now a wire transfer. Status: Funded. 🧾 Receipts: wordandway.org/2026/10/21/t...

Product Review: Conversion Therapy ★☆☆☆☆ Verified customer: Ordered a new orientation. Got my original back, plus the invoice. One star: zero isn't an option. APA, 2021: doesn't work, associated with harm. Opposed. Status: Won't fix. 🧾 Receipts: www.apa.org/about/policy...

Product Review: Conversion Therapy ★☆☆☆☆ Verified customer: Ordered a new orientation. Got my original back, plus the invoice. One star: zero isn't an option. APA, 2021: doesn't work, associated with harm. Opposed. Status: Won't fix. 🧾 Receipts: www.apa.org/about/policy...

Ticket #9267: Ministry private planes, September. Top flyer for the 7th time this year: Liberty University, est. $202,200 in flight operating costs, more than double the runner-up. Status: Treasures laid up in heaven. Well, near it. 🎫 🧾 Receipts: ministrywatch.com/pastors-and-...

Escalation Failed: trans troops sent to separation boards. Navy and Marine Corps boards voted to keep them in 9 of 12 cases. Not final: retention isn't guaranteed. Management assumed nobody would read the service records. Filed under: DUD 🧾 Receipts: www.advocate.com/politics/nat...

📋 Office update: Agent SixSixSix is on hold with Heaven's support to escalate your unanswered prayers. Recorded greeting: "…Surely I come quickly…" (Revelation 22:20, KJV). Recording date: a while ago. Hold music: one harp, one song. We'll keep holding. We have time.

Ticket #2421: Saucon Valley School District (PA) revoked its approval of the After School Satan Club. May 2023: a federal judge ruled it must let the club meet there. Status: Working as intended. Religious freedom has no VIP section. 📋 🧾 Receipts: www.wdiy.org/wdiy-headlin...

📋 Known Issue: "Let your women keep silence in the churches…" (1 Corinthians 14:34) vs. "…every woman that prayeth or prophesieth with her head uncovered…" (1 Corinthians 11:5). Same author, same letter. Workaround: prophesy in a hat, silently. Status: Won't fix.

📋 Customer Satisfaction Survey: STEP trial, 2006. Service tested: strangers praying for heart bypass patients. Effect on complications after surgery: none. We appreciate your thoughts and prayers. The surgeons are on it. Please hold. 🧾 Receipts: www.acc.org/Latest-in-Ca...

📋 Patch Notes: late 1960s–early '70s, Watch Tower publications flag 1975 as a likely end of 6,000 years of human history. Many Witnesses read: Armageddon. 1975 build: never shipped. Support still knocks. 🧾 Receipts: jwfacts.com/watchtower/1...

Customer: Noah's Ark found! Red Sea chariot wheels too! Hellpdesk: Ron Wyatt's? Christian archaeologists rejected those: no training, no licensed digs, no peer review. Customer: Christian ones? Hellpdesk: Your side won't sign. Warranty void. 🧾 Receipts: biblearchaeologyreport.com/2018/10/11/f...

📋 FAQ Q: The golden plates? A: Returned to the angel, per Joseph Smith. Q: The Abraham papyri? A: Per the church's essay, Egyptologists call them funerary texts from centuries after Abraham. 🧾 Receipts: www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/script... www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/manual...

Your miracle has been verified. Signal origin: backstage. We apologize for the inconvenience. Sources: TIME 🧾 Receipts: time.com/archive/6712... #hellpdesk #faithhealing #skeptic

⚠️ Error 2009: Pledge not found. Study: pledgers had sex at about the same rates as similar non-pledgers, but used condoms and birth control less. Feature blocked: protection only. [Pledge again] [Deny pledging] 🧾 Receipts: magazine.publichealth.jhu.edu/2009/virgini...

Ref HD-8047: a customer letter to the practice of filing a desk Pride flag as political signage, with a Texas classroom poster for calibration. Status: Escalated. 📋 🧾 Receipts: hellpdesk.com/letters/hd-8...

Service Disruption: Standing Denial Unit down. D.C. Circuit, 2–1, revived faith groups' suit over ICE enforcement at houses of worship. Back to district court; merits pending. Management is refreshing the docket. Filed under: DUD 🧾 Receipts: baptistnews.com/article/appe...

"He that is wounded in the stones, or hath his privy member cut off, shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD." — Deuteronomy 23:1 (KJV) Ticket #206: Groin injury voids membership. Fault: irrelevant. Screening: don't ask. Status: Working as intended.

"…God is not the author of confusion…" — 1 Corinthians 14:33 (KJV) 📋 Question: tens of thousands of Christian denominations, each sure it's the right one. So who authored the confusion? Answers below. 🧾 Receipts: www.gordonconwell.edu/blog/christi...

Ticket #471: Land under the Ark Encounter, valued at $48M, sold for $10 to its nonprofit affiliate (2017 report). Williamstown officials suspected a way to avoid taxes. Status: Working as intended. Two of every animal, one of every loophole. 🧾 Receipts: www.wcpo.com/news/local-n...

RECALL NOTICE: Shroud of Turin. 2018 forensics: as real blood, the stains imply different body positions, and the back stains are unrealistic for a body lying face-up. Defect: corpse won't hold still. 🧾 Receipts: researchonline.ljmu.ac.uk/id/eprint/88... cruxnow.com/global-churc...

Most tax-exempt nonprofits file an annual IRS Form 990. Churches needn't. Thank you for your patience while men remain out of sight. Sources: Internal Revenue Service 🧾 Receipts: www.irs.gov/charities-no... #hellpdesk #church #taxes

"…whom he will he hardeneth." — Romans 9:18 (KJV) "Who will have all men to be saved…" — 1 Timothy 2:4 (KJV) [ He hardens whoever he picks ] [ He wants everyone saved ] Predestination desk, sweating. Status: Both pressed. Nobody's ticket moved. 📋

Customer Lost: New Zealand's ban on puberty blockers for trans youth. The High Court struck it down: passed unlawfully, unjustified discrimination. The government is seeking advice on next steps. So is Management. Filed under: DUD 🧾 Receipts: www.lgbtqnation.com/2026/10/advo...

📋 Reminder: per our Terms of Service, a hateful reply is a signature. Soul transferred to the Dark God, in perpetuity. Contracts processed by SI (Satanic Intelligence), trained on 6,000 years of complaints. Young-earth creationists assure us that's the full archive. 🔥

Ref HD-6918: an open letter to the Florida Department of Education on its proposed science standards, where evolution is in there somewhere, undefined. Status: Under review. 📋 🧾 Receipts: hellpdesk.com/letters/hd-6...

📋 Compliance Audit: 16-year FBI specialist sues over his firing. Per his suit, the letter called his desk Pride flag political signage, citing Article II. He cites the First Amendment. Status: Constitution vs. Constitution. 🧾 Receipts: www.theguardian.com/us-news/2025...

📋 Compliance Audit: New York's religious exemption from school vaccine rules. Ended June 2019, amid the largest U.S. measles outbreak in decades. Finding: the exemption covered a belief. The classroom shares the air. Status: Closed. 🧾 Receipts: www.npr.org/2019/06/13/7...

Ref HD-41608: an open letter to Pastor Brooks Potteiger on his Pentagon sermon, providential job placement, and a Psalm with edited pronouns. Status: Escalated. 📋 🧾 Receipts: hellpdesk.com/letters/hd-4...