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“We don’t want anyone to be hurt, but we have to get these traffic fatality numbers down somehow,” a city official tells Suburbanista. “We’re working with our legal team to designate walking or biking near our roads as assisted suicide, and will post implied consent notices at all intersections.”

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“It’s a big day for our city,” said the mayor. “Coppell now shines bright as both a thriving bedroom community and a gateway to responsibly manicured nature along our humble three mile stretch of I-635.”

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