𝚁𝚘𝚗𝚊𝚕𝚍 𝙼𝚌𝓢𝓹𝓸𝓸𝓴𝔂

🪦epitaph "He posted too much and somehow so little"

Wait, is this another whole Cheese Barrel situation? Or is it the Cracker Cake Factory?

You know how you're supposed to fast before a blood test? What would absolutely fuck up a result instead? Huge steak? A whole pie? A handful of poppyseeds? What would make my Doctor go "Dude. How are you alive?"

I'm not ready for Tiger King: Pumpkin Spice

Saturday Night Fever Between My Legs

Bluesky has four kinds of users

Since Travis and Taylor got married at MSG, where do they get divorced?

Maria Taylor looking like a Burton era Batman villain (complimentary)

Me and the regular group who like my posts

I never know whats going on here

Halloween candy is expensive this year so I’ll just be handing out random nuts and bolts in baby food jars from my garage.

I have a blood test Monday and a Dr's appt Friday. So, yeah, I'm getting nothing done until the following Monday....maybe never.

I just want one post to make it to 69 licks

Lolly...gagging?

#foodsky saffron chix with taters n carrots, rainy night meal

Ruin a song by adding "I guess" to its title Nookie, I guess

My Favorite Tom Skerritt reference youtu.be/wCF3ywukQYA

Seriously, I had to look it up

Ruin a song by adding "In My Pants" to the title. Calm Like a Bomb In My Pants

"This thing looks cute, I'd love to take a closer loo-. Oh. It's AI-generated."

Make it a memorable holiday season, flip all the charcuterie boards like a toddler having a tantrum

Getting clobbered upside the head with a giant chalkboard eraser would fix me

Buying a bungee cord thong at Harbor Freight™️

Rain is here. I'm wearing a hoody indoors. Coffee is hot. Checking in with the cat soon. *end AM report

Table flipping at the BINGO HALL

them: What's the occasion? me (holding a wooden spoon: I'm stirring?

there's always a point when you're about to punch a wall you think "don't hit the stud, please don't hit the stud" and then the drama of punching the hole in the wall loses all meaning.

I feel the same way about Spotify as I do about Ai: Thieving pieces of shit that should be burned to the ground.

loading my shotgun shells with loose diamonds

Chitty Chitty Bong Bong

Hey guys, the dishes are piling up

Sports phrases that sound sexual but aren’t: Bunt

you guys are moving so fast

Airline Pilot: We have a medical emergency. Is there a doctor onboard? Me *stands up too fast*: Whoa, that was weird!

When you get mad at me online, this is who you are getting mad at just so you know

Allegiant Stadium looks like a used 2009 Chrysler 300 with DIY window tint

Movie --> Porn Parody Saving Ryan's Privates

Roommates that go out on the town once a month (they all hate it)

IDKWTFIGO

Go to your camera roll and search "boat" and then post a picture of a boat you like.

🎼I got leftover pizza on a Saturday night🎶

Hey, I was offline for 2 days. nothing? okay, fine, you're probably right.

ACAB includes referees

Them: Do you have any kids? Me: No, no we don't have any of those. We have some...uh, string cheese?

#nowplaying

saw your man at the grocery store and he was talking to a pretend friend on a banana

Oh my man CHONKER...sorry bud...but I want BILLS

#nowplaying #vinyl #jazz Straight Life Freddie Hubbard

I hate the Rams, but I ❤️ CHONK KICKER