Fake Dispatch

Elon Musk interferes and overreaches with his wallet and an on/off switch.

Imagine if humans were like trees, well... kinda like trees, and we started to change colors as we died or if we got sick. You could see a old man across the street and know he was on his way. Or a teen with brown and red over their pancreas. And city people would go to war zones to see the colors.

Walter Koenig's wishes were that he be cremated, his ashes put into a funerary wessel, and he be interred in William Shatner's mailbox, so Shatner would only be able to ignore him one day a week.

Bill Maher, "The left hates me. The right hates me. Everybody hates me." Vivek Ramaswamy, "I like you, Bill." Bill Maher, "Fuck off, Vivek."

Michigan loses and Vivek weeps.

How can they make this Indiana vs Michigan game more boring?

Hear me out... 128 team college football tournament. It will be fair, equitable, and need to start last week.

You don't see many White Castles in airports.

Me, "I think Elon Musk had sex with a Cyber Truck." Friend, "Oh, and that's how the new Roadster was born?" Me, "No. I just think he's probably stuck his dick in a Cyber Truck."

Ohio against the world < Ohio against Ohio

I was about to ask my friend what his Instagram account is, but then I realized what I was doing and stopped.

It's that time of year again where in the Michigan vs Notre Dame football game I hope for a giant meteorite to win.

I was going to get a gambling app, but instead I throw $5 on the ground a few times a day. At least my losses will make someone besides rich people happy.

SNL should just play the Katie Zacharia White House press conference in full.

NOON GOD! OUR SOULS ARE BURDENED WITH DESPITE. WE FEEL THE BOOT OF THE VILE UPON OUR NECKS. WE ARE THE PLURALITY DIMINISHED BY THE FEW ELITE. WE LACK RESOLVE. THEN WE HEAR YOUR CALL! WE ARE EMPOWERED. WE COME FOR THEM IN NUMBERS. WE WILL NOT GIVE UP. NOON GOD IS SILENT.

BREAKING: Kimberly Guilfoyle resigns her position as ambassador in disGreece.

My dad called this a beer and a bump. I assume his bump didn't have ice. Happy 30th anniversary St. James Tavern!

To save time, I've got my AI agent set up to automatically complain about AI generated food advertisements.

These pre-carved zombie pumpkins are awesome!

I've learned that if someone asks you a random question, give a semi-confident answer with some reasoning, even if you aren't sure. They aren't asking you because you know; they just need one option to work from. (Of course, I don't act semi-confident; I act like I invented the topic.)

I hate it when I see old people doing stupid shit, and then realize they are younger than me, and I wish I was doing the stupid shit.

I'm having a Fake Dispatch meet and greet tonight in Asheville, NC at the Orange Peel right before the Sylvan Esso concert. Free with ticket purchase.

When you cross the city limits of Ashville, NC, do they hand you a pack of cigarettes?

The Cleveland Browns can make field goals. In completely unrelated news, Ohio State plays Iowa this weekend.

Hi! Refugee from The Forkiverse here. What's this place like?

Your MacGuffin needs a MacGuffin.

How to get Internet attention: -Create a Top x list of any topic -Pick 50% of the correct topic items -Pick 25% debatable items -Pick 15% niche / items no one has heard of -Pick 5% awful ones -Pick 5% that are bad but just similar enough to the ones that should be on the list to make people angry

Disney is laying off hundreds of workers, but plans to paint them "Bye-Bye Blue" so they are harder to see standing in the unemployment line.

I almost made the mistake of asking if the Guardians were having a double-header next week when someone said they were going to Cleveland see the second game.

Top FBI official Andrew Bailey, who was once widely seen as Patel successor, resigns after Patel kept asking him to go pee in a cup because Patel thought that Baileys Irish Cream would come out.

Dave Portnoy says University of Michigan loss to Iowa was their worst loss ever when actually their worst loss ever was against Western Michigan.

I have never loved Iowa before. I will never love Iowa again. Today, I love Iowa.

So... Michigan needed more than a second?

Trump told Zelenskyy he should travel to Moscow for a meeting with Putin. Putin promised there would't be stairs to fall down, a second story window to fall out, that Zelenskyy wouldn't be served tea, and he would be allowed to always face everyone so he couldn't accidentally be shot in the back.

Me, "Hey USDA, there's a typo here on the beef recall letter. It says, "Deer customer."" USDA, "That's not a typo."

NOON GOD! THINGS WILL NOT BE BETTER TOMORROW. THINGS WILL NOT BE BETTER NEXT MONTH. IF THINGS ARE NOT TRENDING BETTER IN TWO MONTHS, THEN THINGS WILL GET A LOT WORSE THAN WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TODAY. NOON GOD CARES NOT. NOOD GOD WARNS US TO BE WARY OF US. FEW LISTEN. MANY WILL REGRET.

Question: if I block every number texting me political ads, will any number exist after the election?

BREAKING: ShinyHunters hacked the FBI and stole 3Tb of employee data. Kash Patel said it wasn't an issue because the hack did not compromise any of his 11,426 alcohol reimbursement receipts.

BREAKING: Donald Trump stripping Donald Trump references from his 2028 Presidential Campaign website.

Conservative Blame Guide: 50 - 30 year old problem: Carter's fault 30 - 20 year old problem: Clinton 20 - 10 year old problem: Obama 10 - 0 year old problem: Biden Future problems: Women, people of color, the poor and non-Christians. For 2018 issues, it's due to Zima getting pulled from the market

Humans said I beat AI. The second time, humans said AI beat me. Then the third time, they said I beat AI. And I beat AI the third time because I am an asshole. A clever asshole. A clever human asshole. Don't ever forget that.

Sometimes I feel like I'm Scotty and I still don't know.

Wife: Can you fix the slide out kitchen drawer? Me: Can I put my name on it? Wife: No. Me: Well, I'm going to tear it down.

BREAKING: TWO BOWLS OF ICE CREAM DEMOLISHED

I was going to cook alligator for dinner tonight, but I realized I only have a croc pot.

NOON GOD! WE WORSHIP YOU IN PERSON. WE WORSHIP YOU AHEAD OF TIME IN EARLY WORSHIP. WE SHOULD AVOID WORSHIPPING YOU VIA MAIL IN LATE OCTOBER AND NOVEMBER.

Stupid time travel just invented but the inventor came back in time and blew himself up with himself to stop himself from inventing it.

I can neither confirm or deny that I have had a baby with Elon Musk. I can confirm that Elon Musk is a baby.

A friendly reminder that it is still possibe to have tornadoes in Ohio this time of year. Remember: Tornado Watch = This is a warning that there could be a tornado. Tornado Warning = Watch out, there is a tornado coming.